Time to Share

A couple of years ago, I was asked to speak to a class of 6th-8th Grade girls about purity. It was supposed to be just a couple of minutes to pop into their class and tell them to save themselves for their husband, not to dress so revealing, and to think how God would want them to think. But it turned out to be so much more than that. I talked for a bit then opened it up for questions. What resulted was a lengthy discussion about things that would make one blush. Those girls, who are in middle school, were talking and asking questions about stuff that I didn't have to deal with until I was an adult. I left with a pit in my stomach. I met some friends for dinner after and I couldn't eat. The discussion affected me that much. Something was stirring deep within me. I didn't know what it was exactly, but I knew that I needed to do something for those girls.


About a year later, I was involved in working with refugees and international high school students. For 5 days over the summer of 2010, we took those students to summer camp. Being around those kids and hearing their stories also affected me. That fall, I heard the story of a 16 year old girl who just came to the States. Her family had been here for a few years and they had been patiently waiting for her. While talking with one of her sponsors about how to introduce her to life in the States, we began talking about her self worth. Not to us, but to herself. Things she experienced while waiting to come here I do not want to repeat. One can only imagine how her self worth had been annihilated. 


Most teenage girls I've met have had self issues. It is apart of growing up. After hearing the stories of the international girls and talking with those middle school girls, I knew what I needed to do. I turned to one of the things I love the most, writing. I bought a purple composition book and began to write. This book is being filled with things I have learned in my life about self worth, self confidence, and other things that girls struggle with. It isn't anything spectacular and by no means it is edited and finished. But it is there.


There are several books, websites, and tools out there for girls to look at. And while I'm not sure what sets this one apart, I think it's time I started sharing it with people...


November 29, 2010


Love. What is it? What does it mean? It is a word that means so much, has so much depth and meaning, yet it is used to describe the most mundane things.
"I love pizza."
"I love these shoes."
"I love this book."


The word "love" means "passionate". "Passionate" means to "have strong feeling or ruled by intense emotion." (dictionary.com) 


...It is quite possible to have an intense emotion for pizza, but it could also be heartburn....


I use the word "love" all the time. I have a great love for ham and pineapple pizza with extra sauce. I tell my pizza that right before I eat the entire thing. I do not use the word "love", however, when I'm talking to other people. 


What do I mean, exactly? Well, it took me two years before I said "I love you" to my best friend. When I'm dating a guy seriously, I don't say it unless I know I mean it. I've had it said to me a few times before, but it wasn't love they were feeling. I haven't said it to a guy yet (well, not in a romantic way. I've said it to friends before...but still, it took me a while). I don't take the decision to love someone lightly. It's a pretty big thing to love someone outside of your family. I'm not so sure how serious this concept/decision/choice is taken any more. 


It did get me thinking, though, how often do I tell myself that I love me?


The answer? Never.


Or at least not often enough for me to remember. And then, it hit me. How can I love others if I don't love myself? How can I understand this important decision when I can't decide whether or not I love myself? All of that got me to thinking about body image, how I present myself, and how I interact with others. Then, all of that got me thinking that if I'm thinking about these things that other chicks must be as well. It also reminded me of when I was younger and thought about stuff like this. I'm the oldest child. I have a great relationship with my mom but I couldn't or more, I sometimes felt like I could talk to her about certain things. I have some amazing aunts, but they lived 3,000 miles away. We didn't have Google and chat rooms and message boards were "scary" places.


So, what did I do? Try to figure it out myself. I would have loved to had a girl in her 20s to talk to. 


Well, now I'm the girl in her 20s. I talk to girls all the time about things they aren't comfortable talking to their moms about. Don't get me wrong, I strongly advocate talking to your parents. But I totally understand that sometimes it's pretty embarrassing. I figured I should write it all down in one place.


So, here I go. The following pages are going to be filled with my thoughts, favorite quotes, verses, stories, songs, books. You name it, I will put it in here. 


It's worth it.
I'm worth it.
You're worth it.


Part One: I love ME!!!
The older I get, the cooler I think I am. Seriously, every year I get more vain. I fall more and more in love with myself all the time.


Now, don't confuse me for being narcissistic. There is a difference. In Greek mythology, they tell the story of Narcissus. He was so beautiful that he was told not to look at his reflection. He was suppose to love this other person, but didn't. He decided to gaze upon himself. He gazed so much that he fell in love with himself and eventually died. I am not that way.
What I mean is that I'm constantly finding something new and exciting out about myself. It not only makes life really fun to live but I'm also learning that I can do so many different things!


I wasn't always like this. Typical right? Probably.


My life has always had some flare to it. I've always been the life of the party and a COA (center of attention). As a child, I was loud, probably obnoxious, and knew it all. I was writing and directing sketches and choreographing dances constantly. I was very comfortable with who I was. That's what you're suppose to do as a kid. But, when I was 12, we moved across the country. My world changed completely. I was living somewhere completely different, they talked funny, and I had to make new friends. This was a lot. Especially with painful growth spurts, molars coming in crooked, and hitting puberty. I was going from cute kid to awkward teen in a whole new surrounding. And it sucked. 


Hello Geekdom
"Lanky" was my new favorite word. It described me perfectly:
Ungracefully thin and rawboned; bony" (dictionary.com)


Ungraceful? Check.
Thin? Check.
Bony? Check.


Ages 12 and 13 meant people thought I was 15 and played basketball since I was so tall. I didn't. Remember the ungraceful part? A friend once told me it was painful to watch me run.


This age also brought on braces. The dentist looked at my teeth and said "yep, you need braces." I wanted to ask if he really got paid to make such profound observations. I had an overcrowding problem. The orthodontist told me something I'd never heard before: I had a small mouth. So small, in fact, that I had 4 teeth pulled. Then, when my wisdom teeth came in a few years later, they pulled them as well. That's 8 teeth!!


I wore braces for 3 years, 2 months, and 5 days. That would have been from the beginning of 9th grade to the beginning of 11th grade. And I got glasses the fall of my 9th grade year as well. Not a new thing, I had been in and out of them my whole life.


But still, I was now a total geek...

Life Moves

August started with a bang. Seriously, August 1st was one of the toughest days I have experienced in my life. 


We put my dog, Abby, down.  


I got Abby for my 13th birthday when she was 4 months old. I had her for 12 1/2 years. I knew this day would eventually come. Abby always had problems. One of the funnier ones was that the vet wanted to give her braces to fix her teeth because she had too many for her mouth. We opted just to pull the teeth. (Funny thing about that was that it was around the same time I got my braces...for the same problem. I had too many teeth for my mouth!) I could go on and list her problems, but there is no point. She had several issues and my parents decided it was time. I agreed. Though, as much as I cried over the matter, one could beg to differ. I had been preparing myself for this day for about a year. And if it didn't happen now, it would be in 6 months or a year. The vet said that most people actually wait too long, because they're selfish and can't let go. He said that we did the right thing by doing it now. She was in pain and pretty miserable but had we held on longer, she would have suffered more. I didn't want that to happen. 


I think I'm better now. I cried the weekend before it happened, the day of, and a couple of days after. But life moved on. Though, every time I hear a dog story....you know, those ones where the dog was faithful to the end...I tear up. I'm crying now. It hasn't been that long since it happened. Someone asked me if I was ready for another dog a day or so later and I adamantly said I was not. Yes, I will get another dog one day. But not now. Someday, though. I miss my girl. She was a great dog

It occurred to me, in the midst of my crying that weekend, that I had not cried this hard since last August, when my Great-Grandmother passed away. Again, it was something the family had known was coming. For me, I was 3,000 miles away from her and hadn't seen her in almost 3 years so it was especially difficult. On the anniversary of her death, I was with family. We were not celebrating her life, however. We were celebrating something that was coming up...

...On the 14th, my sister got married. She was the absolute most gorgeous bride I have ever seen. Seriously, she rivaled any bride I have seen in a magazine. Words do not describe how she looked. 

The day was exciting, of course, but added elements like the weather, made it more exciting.  The ceremony was outside but there were a threat of storms. Not just our typical mid-summer storm but a tornado and hail producing storm. There was a lot of praying that day. Even as I was walking down the aisle to take my place as a bridesmaid the sky was growing dark and the wind was picking up. I prayed the whole time during my walk. Then during the ceremony, a gust came through and I thought the flowers on a pillar beside me were going to crash to the ground. They didn't and I'm glad because I would have busted out laughing. At the end of the ceremony, and this is the best part, right as Pastor said " you may kiss your bride" the skies opened up and the sun shone down on the happy couple. It stayed until they were announced as Mr. and Mrs. Then as soon as they got out of sight, the clouds came back and the sky turned gray again. The rain stayed away until everyone was inside at the reception. Then, the storm came and they had the best fireworks show I've ever seen. The lightening was going across the sky. It was horizontal not vertical like you're used to seeing. It was pretty spectacular.

This month started rough. Very rough. But life moves on. While I lost a dear friend, I was also able to see my sister start a life with her best friend. Those are both days I will never forget. Totally different in every way. But both left the same, lasting impression. 

Life moves on. Each day brings something new. This quote sums up how I've felt thus far this month. I like it, though, I'm not sure who said it and neither is Google...

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.