How did I get here?

A Thursday afternoon, late last July, I was at home taking a couple days off to recover from two weeks at kids camp before starting a week of VBS. My phone rang and I didn’t answer it. Soon after, I received a text message and a Facebook message asking me to call the church. I was asked to help with a transition time in our media department. I was excited to help! Church media and production are two passions of mine. Seventeen days later, I was asked if I would accept the position as our new media director. 

I didn’t know what to say! While it seemed like it was seventeen days in the making for some, it was twelve years in the making for me. 

Around the age of 15, I was praying and seeking direction for my life. I decided I wanted to be an attorney. I was going to get a college degree in history then work my way into being a Constitutional Law Lawyer. That was my plan. It was set in stone for me…at least I thought it was. 

During my prayer time, the Lord told me I would go into youth ministry as the person who oversaw the service elements, like worship and drama so that the youth pastor could focus on the message. A couple years later, it turned into working with all church drama and worship. By the age of 19, I knew that I was supposed to be in church production. 

My college plan changed from law school to theater school. The thought in my mind was that if I wanted a job in a church, I would need to attend a Bible College. After all, where else do churches get their staffs from? My first two years of school were at a local community college. After that, I was set to attend a Bible College in the Pacific Northwest. After I had been accepted and given a room assignment, my parents and I were going over the financial part of things. The cost was more than they had anticipated. I was left with a choice. Go to a school that didn’t have the exact major I wanted and take out massive loans to pay for it.

(I wanted a school with a theater department. I chose this school because it was close to family and I could stay there over breaks. They didn’t have a theater department. They had an education department with a focus in drama.) 

Or, I could go somewhere local and have help from my parents. 

I didn’t want to be in debt at the age of 20. Looks like I was going to “settle” for a local school. I looked at some schools that were not in town. But again, I “settled” for UNCG. Their theater program is incredible. With only a few days to spare, I applied, got accepted, and enrolled for classes. 

I had no idea that my “settling” was actually part of His plan. At the end of my first semester, my advisor and I had a meeting. She asked me what I wanted to do. She wanted to know why I was a theater major at UNCG. 

While I was not ashamed of my answer, I always said it waiting for the reaction. In the liberal theater world, telling people you want to work in a church is not always accepted. I had heard before that I would be wasting my talent to work in a church and that it wouldn’t be possible for me to make a living doing that. My first reaction was always “I’m a theater major, I don’t expect to make much money anywhere I work!”

I told my advisor the short version of my story: I wanted to work in church production and help give it a better reputation. 

She thought it was great. In fact, she wanted to help me succeed in that area. She gave me the name of the production crew at a local church and said I should see about interning with them. I couldn’t get any school credit, but the experience would be good.

I didn’t know how to take this news. Here I was trying to get out of town. I started my internship in January of the next year and was there for a little over a year and a half. In the summer of 2008, I was offered a job at my home church…

…It was in Children’s Ministry. 

I struggled before applying for this job. I knew I couldn’t work at a burrito shop and be an intern forever. The Lord really worked on my heart and said I was to go for it. I did and He was faithful. I spent almost five years not only working in Children’s Ministry but gaining experience in leading people, learning the ins and outs of how a church functions, and becoming a better, more mature person. 

My summers were spent at camp and running supplies for VBS. My winters were spent preparing for Christmas musicals. All the time in-between was spent teaching, pasting, and drying tears for little ones. I did a lot of data entry and troubleshooting when our equipment didn’t work. 

It was a time I wouldn’t trade for anything.  

Plus, it lead me to where I am today.  A blog post like this has been on my mind in the past several months. I even started a post talking about my story. Most don’t realize that a call was placed on my life at 15. Well, maybe they would, but they wouldn’t guess it was for this. I’ve always been involved in Children’s Ministry. It was and still is a ministry that my entire family works in…both as a profession and by volunteering. I would often get asked if I was going to take over as Children’s Pastor if ours ever left. Politely as I could say it, my response would be “no and I have no desire to be.” 

My inspiration to write today comes from several things I’ve read about working in church production and media departments….and Oprah. 

More on those soon. 

Before I can get there though, it seemed logical to share how I got to where I am today. 

It is not a spectacular, dramatic story. Well, to me it is. I can look back now and see where I was, who I was and what I thought I should do. Then I realize that it was never about where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be and how I wanted to get there. It was all Him.  He had the plan. He directed me steps. He taught me many things about leaning on Him. That is how I got to where I am today. 

6 months and 581 unread emails

Currently, I have 581 unread emails in my personal email inbox and two blog posts sitting in my "drafts" folder here on blogger.

How does someone get to that point? Good question. If you find the answer, please let me know. 

The only answer I can come up with is this: I'm ultra busy. 

If you're read my blog before you know that "busy" is a common theme. Especially in the past two years. I guess having a great boyfriend who turned into a great fiance who turned into a great husband can really keep a girl busy and keep her from writing. Add planning our wedding, helping with one of my best friend's weddings, looking for and buying a home, family vacations, working on new home and owning a currently 72-pound 8.5 month old German Shepherd into the mix and a there wasn't much time for anything else in the past two years. 

Oh wait. Yes there is. Work. I forgot to add my job.

Now, don't start thinking that this is a post to complain or gripe about my job. One of my posts sitting in my drafts folder details  some changes that I've made at work in the past 6 months. Eventually, I will finished that post and publish it...but until then, here is a run down of the past 6 months.

In August, my role at the church transitioned from Children's Admin Assistant to Media Director. Now, I am up to my ears in website and HTML coding, video editing, publications and marketing for the church. I am in a tech booth every Sunday and Wednesday working with a great team of guys to run lighting, audio, graphics, and even cameras for our services. I am the "voice" of our church each week for announcements (For those of you wondering who does that, it's me!!).  I print bulletins, troubleshoot copier problems, and attempt to help fix computers, printers, iPad, smart phones and who knows what else on the fly. 

It keeps me busy. I joke that I've spent more time at the church these last 6 months than I have the previous 5 years of being employed here. 

And you know what....I really do love what I do.

Yes, there are frustrating moments. But any job has those. Yes, there are times I wish I was at home with my husband and not working. But that comes with the territory. I wouldn't change what I do. This is what I love to do...this is what I was called to do. 

Six months ago, I was recovering from two back to back weeks of kids camp followed by 4 days of rest then a week of VBS. I had no idea that somewhere in that time my world would flip upside down and I would be doing this. I knew one day, down the road, this is where I would end up. But I didn't think it would be now. 

August 18 was my first official Sunday as Media Director. That was 6 months and 581 unread emails ago. 

Yes, I am busy. Yes, I could work on my time management. But you know, I really love life right now.

...make that 582 unread emails.

...also, in an attempt to make myself not sound lame...I've received MORE than 582 emails in the past 6 months. The 582 are the ones that we not important. You know, the ones with the diet and exercise tips. 

Hello Old Friend

I last wrote in January. I was frustrated with a "process". That process was buying a house. It was a long process and it wasn't until April that we ended up buying a house. 

That is what the first half of this year was all about: Finding a house.

We did. Then we went on vacation.Then did some work on the fence. Then I went to summer camp for a week. Then we got a dog. Then I went back to summer camp for another week. Then I came home for a couple days. Then it was time for VBS. During VBS I was offered a new job at the church. Then I got the new job. Then we started remodeling our basement. 

That has been our year in four lines. That has been our year in 75 words or less. Yes, there were other things that happened, but if you asked me to give a summary of 2013 thus far, that would be it. 

So here I am, with a couple minutes to spare before a band rehearsal to say "Yes, I am still here. Yes, I am still writing. And, yes, life is still moving faster than a NASCAR race."

...Did I just use a NASCAR reference? Good grief. That would be the influence of my husband. Not living in the South, but my husband. I don't even like NASCAR, just watch for the wrecks. 

But thats neither here nor there. 

I, however, am here. 

And, I will be here more often. I have a lot to say. I have a lot that I learned this year and I am excited to share it. 

Process Equals Patience

This time last year, I was well into planning my wedding. I think by the time January rolled along, all we really needed to do was send the invitations, pick out the menu for dinner and prepare Dad to write the final checks.

We easily could have gotten married in February instead of April. But, we had to complete the "process" of planning the wedding. It was a six month process and it was painful. Not painful in that it was horrid. Painful in that I had no patience to complete the process. I wanted it to be a lot faster than it was. (Then again, I know some brides who say six months is too short! They'd prefer a longer process!!)

I've never been a very patient person. I like to have things done at a rapid speed. I've learned to become an efficient worker at a quick pace. People say you can learn to be patient, but I don't think that is true. I'm a few years away from 30 and if I don't have it now, not sure I will ever master the concept. 

Well, here we are in another January and yet again, we are involved in another long process. This one is a big bigger than planning a wedding...which was huge by the way!! Don't get me wrong! 

This process has more paperwork, more people involved and more on the line for us. This is one of those things where we need to be really patient with things. It is easy to get discouraged. Need to remind myself to be patient. 

I'd like to think that this process is not a test of my patience, but more of a way to grow my patience well bigger. It hasn't yet...but here's to hoping, right? 

Just be patient. It will all pan out. 

My patience cup does not runneth over after my pep talks. Not one bit. 

Nope. No patience. None. 

Oh well. Maybe by the end of this process I will be a pro at patience. Maybe I will be able to give seminars on how to be patient? Maybe I will write a book? Maybe...you know, everything I am thinking of has a long process that is attached to it...

First Married Post?

I do believe it is. Sorry about that! We'v been married for 6 months and I haven't written a single thing. 

Well, maybe that's not true. I've written in a journal once or twice.

Hence the blog makeover. I'm not trying to get published or even noticed in a Google search. I just like to write. And, sometimes, I will write a lot. Sometimes I won't write for, umm, 8 months. 

So what have I done the past 8 months? Let me recap:

February, March and the first half of April were spent working on the final details of the wedding. 
The wedding was at the end of April. I really loved the day itself. Really loved having family and friends in one place. Really loved how it all turned out. Then, really loved going on vacation right after.

Once we got back from the honeymoon, my summer at work really went into overdrive. We had events from May through July. That is pretty much how the summer was spent: Summer Camps, Vacation Bible School, and Volunteer Appreciation. Throw in a couple of swim parties, awards nights, and tons of planning meetings for fall 2012 and early 2013 and there is my summer. 

My dad's entire side of the family (all 13 of us total!haha) went to Las Vegas in early August to celebrate my Grandparent's 50th Wedding Anniversary. Their actual anniversary was just before our wedding, this was the best time for all of us to get together to celebrate them. We had a great time there but don't think we will be going back. Unless you like to party and drink or unless you are super rich to go shopping, there isn't really much to do there...except walk up and down the strip. We did that a lot. People watching was a big thing to do as well.

September meant getting ready to go back to South Africa. I will write more about that later. The trip was from the end of September to almost the middle of October. I loved being back there. It is like a home away from home. The way we are treated by our hosts over there is just like family. I think the fact that we get to stay in the same place each year helps with that. Being familiar with your surroundings in an unfamiliar place helps make the long trip not so long.

Coming back and jumping into the middle of October means getting ready for our Fall Family Festival. I'm pretty pumped for this event. It is one of my favorites we do. 

That is the past 8 months in a nutshell. Tonight is a quiet night at home, switching channels between the World Series and currently the final season of The Office. 

I'm excited for things to slow down for us. Not that they ever really do, but we are learning to work with crazy schedules. 

I'm excited to see where this new phase in life will take us and excited to see how much I will write about it...or not. 

Can't Sleep

It's 1:15am.


I cannot sleep. Not at all. I tried to go to sleep three hours ago but my body obviously decided it did not want or need the rest. Though my mind is begging me to attempt it again...


...or is it the other way around? Is my body begging my mind to try to fall asleep again? 


I am not really sure.


What do I know at the moment? My stomach is growling like something fierce. I think I need a snack. But then comes the dilemma. If I eat, I will wake myself up more and possibly not sleep. However, if I do not eat, then I will soon lay here in the dark dwelling on how hungry I am and that I should go find a snack. That will also bring no sleep.


It is looking like a lose-lose situation with my stomach. 


Maybe I can drink some water and that will satisfy...

epic fail when it comes to blogging

it's true. the last time i blogged was in August 2011. here i am, Janaury 2012 and i haven't posted a single thing. no end of year reflection. no christmas blog. no new year's update. nothing.


zilch.


nada.


zero.


it's like i fell off the face of the earth. which, is in correct. because since that time, i have not only been on the face of the earth, but i traveled to the other side of it.  


a lot has happened since the last time i posted. a few days after the post, hurricane irene slammed the eastern seaboard and caused some major flooding. that same weekend, my boyfriend's family came to visit. we enjoyed a lovely day at the pool while the coast was getting hit with the storm.


in september, i went to the dentist and had my teeth cleaned. not sure why it is blog worthy, but i have slacked off so much lately that i feel like i should just let you all know that my oral hygiene is still kept up.


on september 29th, i left to go to south africa for 14 days. i journaled while i was there. or, at least i tried to everyday. it was a trip that changed my life. even thinking about it now is bringing back tears. the people i worked with and the students i met are all extraordinary. it is rare that i use a word of that caliber, but it fits perfectly. soon, i will post about that trip. tonight i will only catch you up on life. and, i do promise that i will write about my trip. until then, here is a picture of me and some of the students i worked with...

i got back from south africa on october 12th. that was a wednesday. when i got home, around 11am, i went home to drop my stuff off, then went to have my first meal back on americian soil...taco bell...not my pick. but it was food and way better than airplane food. i went to work the next day 100% jet lagged. if you asked me anything about that day, i could not tell you much. i did, however, manage to get everything done that i needed to get done. 


one thing i do remember is telling my boyfriend that i did not want to go walk around and give him a tour of a local church that i had interned at. that place is massive and being in the mental and physical state i was in, i was in no mood to go walk around that enormous building. 


the day after that, my boyfriend and i hopped on his motorcycle to go look at the fall foliage in the mountains. the leaves are beautiful in the fall here. and they are even more beautiful when you are riding on the back of a motorcycle. the day was bright and sunny...but it was an illusion. it was also cold and windy. we both dressed in layers but it wasn't quite enough. but we ventured on. somewhere along the way, i lost my hair tie. made for quite the windy look. i decided that instead of dwelling on being cold, i would dwell on the fact that i lost my hair tie. i was still pretty tired from the plane ride home two days earlier so i figured i was justified in my thoughts. 


we rode 2 1/2 hours up to the mountains. once we got onto the parkway, we stopped at the first lookout we saw. it was nice to stretch but it was cold and if we were going to be cold, i thought we should be cold and moving. not cold and standing around...


...well, lo and behold we were lingering in this spot for a reason....my boyfriend walked me down a path AND PROPOSED!!!!!!!!!!!! 


yup. that's right. he popped the question. now, by this time, most people reading this already know that we're engaged. but, like i said, this is an update of the last few months...


there is more to that story than i am posting. and i will fill you all in on the wedding details after the wedding. i don't want to give up all of my secrets before hand. i fully intend to chronicle the days leading up to my wedding on here as well as the things i learned along the way. hopefully it will help someone who reads it. 


so now do you see why i haven't been blogging? i've been busy wedding planning. he proposed october 14th. we're getting married in april. that gave us 6 months to plan. i needed to get on the ball. 


november flew by and in that month was my fiance's birthday. i was nervous about what to do for him. i mean, i've never had to plan something for a significant other's birthday...let alone for my fiance's birthday. i can plan parties (and weddings now!) like there is no tomorrow and they will be great. but when it comes to gift giving i freak out. i stress out over it way too much. so what did i do? went the simple route and we went to dinner at his favorite restaurant and saw a movie. i will have the rest of our lives to plan birthdays for him.


the day after his birthday, i woke up sick. the day after that i was beginning to lose my voice. the day after that i had no voice at all. i wanted some hot tea from starbucks that day. but had no way of ordering it. thankfully i had a small white board in my car. i wrote on it "hey, i lost my voice. could i please have a venti orange blossom tea? thanks!"


seriously, i did that. no shame. i thought it was pretty funny and brilliant. 


anyway, i was sick until the first of the year.


christmas was great. again, first christmas i've had with a significant other. we had fun. he got me a mop as a gift. haven't used it yet. said i am going to wait until we're married.


the new year was celebrated at one of my best friend's house. i was surprised i didn't fall asleep shortly after midnight. nope, stayed up until 4:30am. yeah, i can't believe it either. then, i got up at 8something to go to church. no, i didn't fall asleep during the service if you're wondering. i did have a nice long nap that afternoon, though. 


wedding planning after the new year has been kicked into high gear. all i have done the past 11 days has been devoted to the wedding. seriously, i don't think there is a day where i have not spent a little time working on stuff. i should keep a time sheet on it to see how much time i actually am putting into it. 


my fiance and i met a year ago on the 10th. we had our first date a year ago on the 12th. that was yesterday. we went back to the place where we had that date. its a coffee shop just outside of a college campus. neat little place. it hasn't changed at all in the past year. but my life sure has. i went from walking into that shop last year not quite remembering the face of the guy i was meeting to walking into it this year with him and knowing he is the man i am going to spend the rest of my life with. pretty big change if you ask me. i think if you had asked me last year if i knew that he was "the one" i would have laughed and said "who knows. why are you trying to rush it?"


actually, i did say that to some people. guess they were right. i should tell them "thank you" for being right. 


i think that leads me up to today. i've been sitting on the couch for several hours now working on wedding stuff. i took a break to go eat dinner with my brothers and had a great time with them. i've been back at it for 5 or 6 hours now. i decided it was time for a break. 


i cannot say how much i will post in the next few months. but i will promise to post the things i wrote in south africa. and, once the wedding is over and things have settled, i will write about the process of planning this shindig. i would say it has been an "ordeal" but then i checked to see what the meaning of that word is and don't think it quite fits...


ordeal - noun

1. A painful or horrific experience, esp. a protracted one.
2. An ancient test of guilt or innocence by subjection of the accused to severe pain, survival of which was taken as divine proof of innocence. (source:google)

i don't think it is painful or horrific. though i may think it has had its moments. as for the second definition, well, i don't think it is that either. wedding planning is something ancient, though. 

oh well. it has been an experience. and i will share it with you all once i am done with it.

Time to Share

A couple of years ago, I was asked to speak to a class of 6th-8th Grade girls about purity. It was supposed to be just a couple of minutes to pop into their class and tell them to save themselves for their husband, not to dress so revealing, and to think how God would want them to think. But it turned out to be so much more than that. I talked for a bit then opened it up for questions. What resulted was a lengthy discussion about things that would make one blush. Those girls, who are in middle school, were talking and asking questions about stuff that I didn't have to deal with until I was an adult. I left with a pit in my stomach. I met some friends for dinner after and I couldn't eat. The discussion affected me that much. Something was stirring deep within me. I didn't know what it was exactly, but I knew that I needed to do something for those girls.


About a year later, I was involved in working with refugees and international high school students. For 5 days over the summer of 2010, we took those students to summer camp. Being around those kids and hearing their stories also affected me. That fall, I heard the story of a 16 year old girl who just came to the States. Her family had been here for a few years and they had been patiently waiting for her. While talking with one of her sponsors about how to introduce her to life in the States, we began talking about her self worth. Not to us, but to herself. Things she experienced while waiting to come here I do not want to repeat. One can only imagine how her self worth had been annihilated. 


Most teenage girls I've met have had self issues. It is apart of growing up. After hearing the stories of the international girls and talking with those middle school girls, I knew what I needed to do. I turned to one of the things I love the most, writing. I bought a purple composition book and began to write. This book is being filled with things I have learned in my life about self worth, self confidence, and other things that girls struggle with. It isn't anything spectacular and by no means it is edited and finished. But it is there.


There are several books, websites, and tools out there for girls to look at. And while I'm not sure what sets this one apart, I think it's time I started sharing it with people...


November 29, 2010


Love. What is it? What does it mean? It is a word that means so much, has so much depth and meaning, yet it is used to describe the most mundane things.
"I love pizza."
"I love these shoes."
"I love this book."


The word "love" means "passionate". "Passionate" means to "have strong feeling or ruled by intense emotion." (dictionary.com) 


...It is quite possible to have an intense emotion for pizza, but it could also be heartburn....


I use the word "love" all the time. I have a great love for ham and pineapple pizza with extra sauce. I tell my pizza that right before I eat the entire thing. I do not use the word "love", however, when I'm talking to other people. 


What do I mean, exactly? Well, it took me two years before I said "I love you" to my best friend. When I'm dating a guy seriously, I don't say it unless I know I mean it. I've had it said to me a few times before, but it wasn't love they were feeling. I haven't said it to a guy yet (well, not in a romantic way. I've said it to friends before...but still, it took me a while). I don't take the decision to love someone lightly. It's a pretty big thing to love someone outside of your family. I'm not so sure how serious this concept/decision/choice is taken any more. 


It did get me thinking, though, how often do I tell myself that I love me?


The answer? Never.


Or at least not often enough for me to remember. And then, it hit me. How can I love others if I don't love myself? How can I understand this important decision when I can't decide whether or not I love myself? All of that got me to thinking about body image, how I present myself, and how I interact with others. Then, all of that got me thinking that if I'm thinking about these things that other chicks must be as well. It also reminded me of when I was younger and thought about stuff like this. I'm the oldest child. I have a great relationship with my mom but I couldn't or more, I sometimes felt like I could talk to her about certain things. I have some amazing aunts, but they lived 3,000 miles away. We didn't have Google and chat rooms and message boards were "scary" places.


So, what did I do? Try to figure it out myself. I would have loved to had a girl in her 20s to talk to. 


Well, now I'm the girl in her 20s. I talk to girls all the time about things they aren't comfortable talking to their moms about. Don't get me wrong, I strongly advocate talking to your parents. But I totally understand that sometimes it's pretty embarrassing. I figured I should write it all down in one place.


So, here I go. The following pages are going to be filled with my thoughts, favorite quotes, verses, stories, songs, books. You name it, I will put it in here. 


It's worth it.
I'm worth it.
You're worth it.


Part One: I love ME!!!
The older I get, the cooler I think I am. Seriously, every year I get more vain. I fall more and more in love with myself all the time.


Now, don't confuse me for being narcissistic. There is a difference. In Greek mythology, they tell the story of Narcissus. He was so beautiful that he was told not to look at his reflection. He was suppose to love this other person, but didn't. He decided to gaze upon himself. He gazed so much that he fell in love with himself and eventually died. I am not that way.
What I mean is that I'm constantly finding something new and exciting out about myself. It not only makes life really fun to live but I'm also learning that I can do so many different things!


I wasn't always like this. Typical right? Probably.


My life has always had some flare to it. I've always been the life of the party and a COA (center of attention). As a child, I was loud, probably obnoxious, and knew it all. I was writing and directing sketches and choreographing dances constantly. I was very comfortable with who I was. That's what you're suppose to do as a kid. But, when I was 12, we moved across the country. My world changed completely. I was living somewhere completely different, they talked funny, and I had to make new friends. This was a lot. Especially with painful growth spurts, molars coming in crooked, and hitting puberty. I was going from cute kid to awkward teen in a whole new surrounding. And it sucked. 


Hello Geekdom
"Lanky" was my new favorite word. It described me perfectly:
Ungracefully thin and rawboned; bony" (dictionary.com)


Ungraceful? Check.
Thin? Check.
Bony? Check.


Ages 12 and 13 meant people thought I was 15 and played basketball since I was so tall. I didn't. Remember the ungraceful part? A friend once told me it was painful to watch me run.


This age also brought on braces. The dentist looked at my teeth and said "yep, you need braces." I wanted to ask if he really got paid to make such profound observations. I had an overcrowding problem. The orthodontist told me something I'd never heard before: I had a small mouth. So small, in fact, that I had 4 teeth pulled. Then, when my wisdom teeth came in a few years later, they pulled them as well. That's 8 teeth!!


I wore braces for 3 years, 2 months, and 5 days. That would have been from the beginning of 9th grade to the beginning of 11th grade. And I got glasses the fall of my 9th grade year as well. Not a new thing, I had been in and out of them my whole life.


But still, I was now a total geek...

Life Moves

August started with a bang. Seriously, August 1st was one of the toughest days I have experienced in my life. 


We put my dog, Abby, down.  


I got Abby for my 13th birthday when she was 4 months old. I had her for 12 1/2 years. I knew this day would eventually come. Abby always had problems. One of the funnier ones was that the vet wanted to give her braces to fix her teeth because she had too many for her mouth. We opted just to pull the teeth. (Funny thing about that was that it was around the same time I got my braces...for the same problem. I had too many teeth for my mouth!) I could go on and list her problems, but there is no point. She had several issues and my parents decided it was time. I agreed. Though, as much as I cried over the matter, one could beg to differ. I had been preparing myself for this day for about a year. And if it didn't happen now, it would be in 6 months or a year. The vet said that most people actually wait too long, because they're selfish and can't let go. He said that we did the right thing by doing it now. She was in pain and pretty miserable but had we held on longer, she would have suffered more. I didn't want that to happen. 


I think I'm better now. I cried the weekend before it happened, the day of, and a couple of days after. But life moved on. Though, every time I hear a dog story....you know, those ones where the dog was faithful to the end...I tear up. I'm crying now. It hasn't been that long since it happened. Someone asked me if I was ready for another dog a day or so later and I adamantly said I was not. Yes, I will get another dog one day. But not now. Someday, though. I miss my girl. She was a great dog

It occurred to me, in the midst of my crying that weekend, that I had not cried this hard since last August, when my Great-Grandmother passed away. Again, it was something the family had known was coming. For me, I was 3,000 miles away from her and hadn't seen her in almost 3 years so it was especially difficult. On the anniversary of her death, I was with family. We were not celebrating her life, however. We were celebrating something that was coming up...

...On the 14th, my sister got married. She was the absolute most gorgeous bride I have ever seen. Seriously, she rivaled any bride I have seen in a magazine. Words do not describe how she looked. 

The day was exciting, of course, but added elements like the weather, made it more exciting.  The ceremony was outside but there were a threat of storms. Not just our typical mid-summer storm but a tornado and hail producing storm. There was a lot of praying that day. Even as I was walking down the aisle to take my place as a bridesmaid the sky was growing dark and the wind was picking up. I prayed the whole time during my walk. Then during the ceremony, a gust came through and I thought the flowers on a pillar beside me were going to crash to the ground. They didn't and I'm glad because I would have busted out laughing. At the end of the ceremony, and this is the best part, right as Pastor said " you may kiss your bride" the skies opened up and the sun shone down on the happy couple. It stayed until they were announced as Mr. and Mrs. Then as soon as they got out of sight, the clouds came back and the sky turned gray again. The rain stayed away until everyone was inside at the reception. Then, the storm came and they had the best fireworks show I've ever seen. The lightening was going across the sky. It was horizontal not vertical like you're used to seeing. It was pretty spectacular.

This month started rough. Very rough. But life moves on. While I lost a dear friend, I was also able to see my sister start a life with her best friend. Those are both days I will never forget. Totally different in every way. But both left the same, lasting impression. 

Life moves on. Each day brings something new. This quote sums up how I've felt thus far this month. I like it, though, I'm not sure who said it and neither is Google...

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.  

cha-cha-changes

i was looking at the blog today and decided i wanted to change it the way it looked. so i did. 


some of the posts may start with a "thought"; some may not. don't really know. guess it will depend on the topic. 


think i will also break into my archives and play with some stuff that i have kept locked in my numerous notebooks.


just some stuff to look forward to! 

two months is a long time

thought: where do you start when you have so much to say?


it's been nearly two months since i've written last. in that time, i have been on vacation, learned some things about myself, started reading a great new book, thought more about my favorite writing topic, decided to pick up a new hobby, taken a ride on a motorcycle, seen people get married, seen people break-up,  cleaned out my room and had a bug in my ear for 16 hours.


now you can see why i haven't had a chance to write. so much stuff going on. i will update soon, i promise. i have much to tell and many thoughts to get out of my head and onto some paper...or a webpage for you literal people.


the thing that probably gave me the most memories was my vacation. it was a lot of fun but the day leading to it and the drive to my destination were nerve wrecking. there are few times in my life where i can remember being that nervous...but i put on my brave face, flashed my big teeth, and everything turned out great. granted, i also had my most embarrassing moment while there. but it was kind of a good thing. gave me some confidence. i mean, i worried a few times after that about the impression i made. and, honestly, i still do. i had the privilege of meeting and staying with an amazing family. i wanted them to like me very much...hope i didn't "try" too hard to be myself and mess it up.


can't worry about that now though. 


there is a life to be lived. i have definitely lived the past two months. that, perhaps, is my greatest accomplishment of the past two months. i've done stuff i have never tried before. i have done some stuff that i was very uncomfortable doing as well. it all turned out alright. seriously, the beginning of my summer has been fabulous. 


i can't wait to see how the rest of it shapes up...

can't shake it

thought: ever had a thought that won't leave you alone?

i feel as if i'm supposed to write, but what, i don't know. i've had this thought the past 24 hours about holding your thoughts captive. my pastor mentioned it in church yesterday and it won't leave me. it's been ringing in the back of my mind: hold your thoughts captive. you can do it. take hold of them.

but i'm not sure what that means exactly.

dictionary.com: captive
noun:
1) a prisioner
2) a person who is enslaved or dominated; slave: He is the captive of his own fears.

oh snap. did they really just use that word...

fears

i don't deny that i'm scared of the dark or being home alone. or that i'm worried about my health. i will deny it, if you ask me, that i dwell on those thoughts.

but the truth is that i do. i let them get the best of me. i've written before about taking control over my fears and i try. but for some reason, they keep getting the best of me.

you know, i've grown up in a Christian household. i can quote the verses about not having a spirit of fear. my mom used to say them to me all the time. i told her a while back how much that meant to me and that i still quote them to myself.

the new series we're doing with the kids at church is called 10 for life. they are the top 10 verses every kid should know. as i was looking over the list, i realized that i'm familiar with pretty much all of them. some of them are ones we learn the first day of Sunday School (John 3:16). others are ones we learn to lean on when we get older/more mature (2 Chronicles 7:14).

do you know how cool it is to quote scripture?

while watching the royal wedding ( I know, I know, I'll let it go eventually!) there was a few times where portions of the Bible were read. without thinking about it, i started quoting along with the people reading. i didn't think anything about it until later. i actually knew what they were quoting and very naturally started saying it. just as if i were singing my favorite song. i didn't become proud but i was impressed with myself for knowing the verses.

a few days later, at small group, i was asked to look up a passage and read it for the group. without thinking and without hesitation, i quoted the passage while turning to it. i wasn't doing it to be proud or to show off but simply because the words came flowing out of my mouth as soon as i heard the reference. the group looked at me, slightly shocked, i think, and i suddenly became embarrassed. i didn't want to seem pompous or holier than thou. i couldn't stop myself from saying it.

how much Scripture do i know? i mean, i can tell you some stories from the Bible. and can list some themes that are mentioned. but when it comes down to straight-up passages, i wouldn't do so well.

if you gave me the reference and maybe the first few words of those 10 for life verses i would be able to quote some and paraphrase the rest. i don't "know" all of them per se.

and i think, that is my problem. i read my Bible and spend time with the Lord but when was the last time I actually hid the Word in my heart? i haven't committed scripture to memory since high school. (thanks to the following: Awanas, M'Pact/Missionettes, helping my brothers with JBQ/TBQ)

my thoughts are taken captive by things i worry about not by things that bring me joy. God brings me joy. He brings me peace. He is where my mind should be dwelling. the things of this world are temporary. the stuff i worry about is legitimate to a point but it won't last forever.

last time my mind was in this place, these words came to me. i knew i had to share them and i figure they are worth sharing again:

if He was with Daniel, Noah, and Jonah. if He gave sight to the blind and made the lame walk. if His eye is on the smallest of things, then i know that He is with me and i have nothing to fear.

i posted it on facebook. one of my aunts commented on the status. she use Scripture (of course!):

cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you.

she also reminded me that God is in control. it doesn't matter if i am dealing with fear or worry. He is there to hold me up.

(let me take a moment to brag about my family! aren't they amazing?? i am blessed!)

so i've figured that in addition to making people feel special (to read about that, click here) i am going to also start committing scripture to memory. i think that if i can memorize the words of the One who gives me joy and if they are continually in my mind, that will make a difference. i'm still going to continue to pray about this. i know that He wants to best for me and i'm pretty sure that includes my thoughts being about Him and not stuff that will eventually fade away. i want to shake this thing. 

i think i will start with the list we're giving the kids.

Proverbs 3:5-6

John 3:16

2 Chronicles 7:14

Isaiah 40:30-31

Joshua 1:9

Matthew 22:37-39

Philippians 4:13

Matthew 6:33

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

John 14:6

if you're reading this, i would encourage you to look up these verses. and, if you dare, memorize them. or write them down and put them somewhere you will see them often. 

i'm not sure what is taking you captive today, but i know Someone who has more in store for you than you will ever know. He wants to give you everything but can't if you hold yourself back. i know how hard it is to let Him in and give it up. i'm in the middle of it too. but i am also tired of not sleeping at  night because i'm worried about tomorrow. 

let tomorrow bring what it may. you have Someone on your side who loves you and is here to hold you up. grab on to His promises. cling to His words. commit them to memory. take control of your thoughts. you are more than a conquerer. 

princess? me?

thought: at some point in time, every girl wants to be a princess, for at least a day.


if you're reading this, it's either because you're an actual reader of the blog or because you saw me post this on facebook. no matter how you found it, chances are you know me personally. if not, then read a post or 2 and you will get a taste.


for those of you who know me, you know that in recent years i have undeniably become a hopeless romantic. i may not be the most hopelessly romantic person you know. but i love a good love story...a true love story. i have become, in recent years, quite a fan of hearing how people met. some of them are funny stories, other are filled with heartache. they all have happy endings though. i will sit down and cry at a chick flick. or get lost in a nicholas sparks novel (and yes, cry at the end of that too!).


another thing i also really enjoy doing is flipping through wedding magazines or watching something on tv about them. there is something about looking at the colors; picking out the dress, shoes, jewelry; tasting the cake; decorating the reception site and seeing people so crazy in love that i am drawn too.


it could be the storyteller in me. it could be the party/event planner part of my brain. and i'm not going to lie, i take notes. i have some ideas swirling around for my own wedding day.


most girls think about that day. some have it totally planned well before it happens.i seriously know girls who have notebooks already full of ideas. i don't have a notebook but i have some mental notes. 


one thing i know, is that no matter where i get married or the style of the dress, that one day will be my day to be a princess. as little girls running around playing dress up, we don old prom dresses, find something the be  a tiara and a scepter and we rule the world (namely our bedrooms!). then as we get older, the prom dresses are new, our hair gets done and we set out to rule prom night. somewhere between prom and getting married, we catch a glimpse of a wedding gown.


they are the gown to end all gowns.


we start to think about our wedding gown. what it will look like, how it will flow down the aisle, what shoes to  go with it. this day has got to blow all of the days out of the water. seriously. and while i know not every girl thinks specifically about their wedding day prior to being engaged, i am certain every girl has at one time or another dreamed about being a princess. maybe not princess for a lifetime, month, or even a year. but a day at least. and after the royal wedding of Kate Middleton and Prince William last friday (4/29/11) i am even more certain that being a princess is on the minds of girls everywhere. young and old.


i watched the royal wedding and all of the coverage before and after. it was an amazing thing to see. it blew every episode of my fair wedding out of the water. well, maybe not. i've seen some amazing things on that show. David Tutera is good at what he does. 


and he makes his brides feel like a princess.


i've spent so much time on this post that i've forgotten my original intent for writing it...


let's see...hopeless romantic...wedding tangent...all girls want to feel like princess...


oh yeah, i remember. 


being a princess means feeling special. the wedding day is an example. and so is playing dress up as a little girl. we do it to feel special...well, and because of the amazing clothes we couldn't normally get away with wearing. 


last week, someone made me feel pretty special. they sent me flowers. not just flowers. but roses. to me. at work. and there were a lot of them. i felt like a princess. i felt special. i blushed.


a lot. 


and i still do when i think about it. 


you never know what is going to make someones day. we all want to be appreciated and to feel special. i'm not so sure we do that enough to each other. sure, we do it on birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, and what not. but what about the rest of the time? i know i'm guilty of not showing enough appreciation to those i care the most about. feeling that way last week (and yes, i'll admit, it was my birthday) made me realize how good it felt to know that someone cared. it was a good feeling. a feeling i should pass along more often.


princess me? oh yes. 


making someone else feel the same way? my newest goal. 

I'm Still Here

thought: 25? really? i shouldn't be here.

the other day i wrote about slowing down and lessons i've learned in my 25 years. i'll admit, i'm not too crazy about the whole birthday thing anymore. in fact, i've been downright melancholy about my birthdays the last few years. i think, maybe, it's because somewhere along the way the whole birthday thing has lost its magic. i don't know when, but it did. i still love to celebrate other peoples birthdays and planning something great for them. but for me, i've began to see it as just another day.

last night, though, well it was actually this morning around 4am, i remembered that i do have a reason to celebrate.

you know how you hear those stories of people who shouldn't be alive? they went through some traumatic, life threatening experience and made it through. or how some people seem like all the odds are against them. yet, no matter what, they make a way and beat the odds.

i'm one of those people.

April 28th, 1986 at Whidbey General Hospital in Coupeville, WA is where it began. Mom was on her way there to give birth to her first child. I don't know the particulars of the pregnancy. But I do remember mom telling me once that she had a thing for pineapple pizza while she was carrying me. That explains why I love it so much.

I don't know how long mom was in labor. or even the time i was born. but i do know that i came into this world silent. and blue. and spotted.

i didn't breathe for the first few moments of my life. if you know me, you know that i definitely know how to make an entrance into a room. my entrance into the world wasn't much different. people knew i was coming, yes, but they didn't expect me to be silent about it.

a couple years ago, on my birthday, my grandma posted this on my wall:

I will never forget your grand entrance into the world.

You came fast, real fast, super fast. Or else your mom waited too long to get to the hospital.

The doctor smacked you, but you decided to hold your breath till you turned blue. The doctor threw you like a football to Glenda, the head nurse.

I'm praying in tongues, for 4 long minutes She massaged your heart, gave you her breath, I'm still praying, till you let out a scream . Then I'm HALLELUJAHING!!!!! Wiping my tears. We all were. The

room was full even Grandpa

after the initial scare, i was a fairly healthy baby. i weighed in at 8lbs 1oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. they say i was cute. and a mess.

i was cute. and i was a mess. but look at that picture again. notice my eye? when i was born, my eyes were focused inward. you could say i have a lazy eye. well, yes, you could call it that. but i prefer to say that my eyes work independently. i used webmd to find the correct names for what i have. i came up with Strabismus which leads to or can cause Amblyopia. both my eyes work. both my eyes see pretty well (i had 20/20 vision when i was 12!) but one is nearsighted and the other is farsighted.

i had two surgeries as an infant (like before the age of 2!) to fix the problem. the doctors went in and clipped the muscles next to the eyes to try and retract them, or pull them outward. according to the doctors, my surgeries were a success. my eyes pulled out but not too far out. and i can still see.

as a kid, growing up, i didn't notice it so much. i was always in and out of glasses and never really cared how i looked. getting into high school, however, i noticed it more and more. people always asked why i hid behind my glasses. i didn't think that i did. i had them my entire life so they were natural to me. and once i got my braces, they just seemed to fit with the long, lanky, gawky teen i was.

i did, eventually, go to contacts...after i had gained some self confidence. but one morning, while driving to work, i suddenly couldn't see. i thought my contact was in wrong. i took it out while i was in the car. (what? i had gotten good at being able to take them out with one hand!) and i dropped it! when i got to work, i took the other one out too. it was bothering me a bit as well. i knew i would be able to make it through the day without my contacts in, plus it was about time to change them. so no worries in tossing them. i would put my glasses on later.

later never came. in fact, i went all day without anything. i was fine. i realized it the next morning. so, i decided to go that entire day without my glasses. i made it most of the day. soon after that, i noticed that my eyes looked "normal".

why normal in quotations?

remember the picture? my eyes looked like that my entire life. they only time they looked "normal" was when they were dilated at the doctor's office. normal for me is not normal for the rest of the world. something was happening to my eyes. i was a few months away from 23 and i looked, well, normal.

i didn't know how to take it. then it dawned on me. after years and years of prayer, my eyes were Healed.

i was elated. nothing like that had ever happened to me before...that i remembered. i heard the stories of my birth and of those times when i had seizures but i didn't remember them. i do remember this.

and i remember that no matter how bummed or melancholy i want to be on my birthdays that i can't be that way. i wasn't created to be that way. i shouldn't have made it past the first 5 minutes of my life. probably even though my toddler years. (i didn't go into the seizure and other not breathing stories. i don't know them as well!). and if i did make it, i could have grown into a non-confident girl who let her eye problem hold her back and played a victim.

but i didn't.

i wasn't wired that way. yes, there may be some circuits that aren't quite right. but Someone made me the exact way He wanted me. and He decided that i am on this earth for a reason. that alone is enough to make me want to celebrate.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

you formed me in my mother's womb.

I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

before I'd even lived one day

-Psalm 139:13-16 the message