stripped

thought: take it off

tonight, yet again, i had someone think i was 19 or 20. i'm totally okay with that. i have good genes and am thankful for them. but it got me thinking about looks, make-up, and changing appearances.

i'm getting closer to my mid-20s and am taking better care of my skin. wear sunscreen when i'm at the beach and it's even in my moisturizer i wear every day. great step in protecting my face. i wear make-up...most days. when it's on thicker, heavier, and more noticeable, those are the days i look my age...or so people say. but i really think that it doesn't have to do with how much (or little) make-up i have on that gives away my age....

...i'm fairly certain it has to do with how much confidence i have. and this too, got me thinking. you see, while reading about the top 100 hottest single stars the other day (don't hate. it's mind numbing) it dawned on me that the average age of the stars is, well, my age. it also occurred to me that a good portion of these people have had something done to alter their appearance. i mean, i dye my hair. the color has changed a few times this year. but how much has it changed my appearance? you always know it's me. seriously, think about Heidi Montag. prior to going under the knife, she was actually pretty cute. post knife she looks totally different. she had all the crap done and now at 24, she is like a younger Joan Rivers. who wants that?

so where am i going with all this?

chill out with the make-up, botox, plastic surgery...and even the hair dye. if they make you happy, then go for it. be happy. but if they change who you are, who you were meant to be, how you look, is it worth it? try taking a step back, maybe even go a day (or 2!) without make-up. or at least, go out wearing a little foundation, powder, and some brown mascara.

i don't plan on trying to make myself look older or different just because people think i'm 20. hopefully when i'm 40, they will think i'm 30. like i said, i'm totally okay with that. seriously though, if people don't watch out, they're going to look like this guy...who wants that? not this girl!

memories

thought: memories and photos do wonders

last time i wrote, my great-grandmother had been dead for 10 days and in 7 days i would be at her memorial service. she was an amazing woman, anyone who met her would agree. she meant a lot to many. the church was filled with people who shared stories about her life, her character and her impact.

here's mine:

it was Christmas 2007 and i was 21 years old. we were at mom's cousin's house. 2 of mom's siblings were there, her parents, aunts and uncles. the house was full...and things were chaotic in the living room. between the Wii, nerf guns, and games of tag the living room was a happening place. Gram made her way in there, how no one remembers, but she did. She planted herself on the couch and watched us. I saw an opportunity to have a moment with her. i'm named after her. my middle name is her first name and i also inherited her nickname. somehow i knew that this would be the last time i saw her alive. we sat on the couch, i protected her from some flying nerf darts and we had this conversation:

Gram: how old are you?

Me: 21.

Gram: do you have a boyfriend?

Me: (thinking: I saw this coming! I know where it's going) Nope.

Gram: Good. You're young, you don't need one. Don't do what I did. Go live your life. You have a long time to be married. Do things while you're young.

just like that the moment was over. I actually have a picture of us sitting on the couch where we talked. it was taken just before our conversation. i cried myself to sleep that night. it was the last memory i have of her and definitely the best one.

i figured that since i was going to travel 3,000+ miles for a memorial i would take some time to spend with family i never see. so i stayed for a week. so many memories were made. jokes that will last a lifetime are forever etched into my mind. when i see the pictures i laugh, cry, and think about my time spent "back home".

we were able to go to the house where my grandparents lived when i was born. i spent my infant and toddler years in this house. i see pictures and remember things that happened there...but driving down the road, seeing the house...and walking through the house (the owners remembered my grandparents and let us go inside!) brought it all back. again, we laughed, cried and took pictures. there is one picture of my aunts, mom, and myself from Christmas of 1986. we were next to the Charlie Brown Tree (called that because it was barely decorated and the ornaments were only on the top half of the tree. apparently I liked to pull them off!) in the living room. as soon as we all walked back into that room we went to the spot where the tree was, lined up how we were in the picture and took another one. why? because it was a good memory. who would get the chance to be in the same room from 24 years earlier with the same people? we seized the moment.

in fact, we seized several moments. pictures were taken left and right. jokes were always being made. serious conversations were being had. it was the first time i had been around family and felt like an adult. (compared to when i was there in 2001) things were different between me and my family. having the pictures and still laughing at the jokes are things to hold dear from that trip. it was really cool cooking in the kitchen with my grandma and actually wanting to be in there so i could learn a thing or two. i loved sitting on the couch laughing about nothing with my aunts...or sitting across from one of them in my pj's filling her in on my dating life and getting advice. there was definitely something special when i thought my grandpa was going to arrange a marriage for me. my favorite moment though? does an entire day spent in the downtown of my favorite city count? i was able to see my favorite sports team...do some killer shopping...earn a fantastic nickname...and laugh with 3 of the most amazing women in my life. it's something i'll treasure for a long time.

my memory bank is far from full...yet it is far from empty. every day is filled with moments that can be treasured for a lifetime. it doesn't have to take a special trip across the country to make something special. i carry a camera around to snap pictures of the everyday, not so epic moments. those are the ones that stop us in our tracks and make us realize what life is about. some of my favorite family photos are the ones where we're in the loft sprawled on the couch watching tv or playing video games. that is what my family does. it's who we are. those moments are just as important as the big ones at holidays or birthdays.

try to remember the smaller, every day moments. they just may hold something special.

Hair Dye

thought: you can change how you look but you can't change who you are...

hair dye. i love it. within 10-25 minutes your entire appearance can change. your attitude can change. how people view you can change. it's a pretty cool thing.

what cannot change, however, is you. yes, you change on the outside...but your personality...the very fiber of who you are doesn't change. this sounds like something we all should know. but it really struck me today. yeah, i'm a fan of changing my outward appearance. i do it every 3-4 months. but i usually stay within the same color scheme. when i was a kid i wanted my hair darker, like the color of my mom's. this summer i've really want to go lighter. so i did. i got some sun-in and had an amazing sun-streaked/sun-kissed look.

...then i saw something i did not like on facebook and i decided that instead of facebook stalking i was going to dye my hair. now, the night before i saw this news, i was considering going back to my chocolate brown color. the pictures i was looking at though, were from when i was dating this guy. so i associated that color (which was my favorite by the way!) with this dude. so when the next morning i saw this news (that involved him) i decided it was time for a change. one of my friends went with me to Target and we looked at colors. i seriously thought about going dark. i love the darker look. it works for me. but then again i wanted to go more blonde...

....so we grabbed a box that said medium golden neutral blonde. not sure how it would turn out...but i was up for a change....

i like it. i really do. but it's not me. the color looks good and people are complimenting it. but i'm not feeling it. it isn't me. something in me just doesn't gel with it. i'm not a blonde/copper girl. the color is actually close to what it was when i was a kid which is fun.

except that i'm not a kid anymore. and i don't want to run from who i was in spring of 2010. i really liked that person. and i liked her hair color. it was like changing my hair color was going to change who i was...or at least help me run away from who i was...and the memories of the dude. but it didn't. if anything, i've learned more about who i am this summer. a lot of good things happened. i've built on who i am and who i've become. and in some weird way, that person is a brunette. maybe it's because i perceive that as a "grown up" color? i don't really know. and i'm pretty sure a psychologist would be having a hay day with my thoughts on this. haha.

either way, i am still the same person...and no matter how hard i try or how many times i change my hair color, i will always be that person. i like who i am and i don't want to run away from who i am. so, if you think about it, this is a pretty big thing. a sign that i'm doing better.

oh and what color did i go with? this one.

taken over

thought: getting back on track isn't easy

in my last post, i mentioned that life was taking over...well it did. a few days after that post, something happened to me that i didn't see coming. for a while, i let it take me over. i let life go on without me. i tired to get back on track.

things have slowed down since then. yet, i'm still busy as ever...but at least i'm living again. new experiences are happening every day. granted, there are still bad days. but i'm learning that those are okay too. it's part of that whole transparent thing i wrote about last time....

speaking of which, being transparent isn't easy. for being someone who has been the "strong" one and never cried in front of people this is a struggle. but i'm welcoming it. letting others know that i'm not superwoman is quite a relief.

also, i've depended on people more this past month that i ever have. yes, i'm learning how to do that too...i can't do everything by myself. but having people ask me how my day is going or noticing that i'm not up to par is really great. guess that is why we have friends to lean on.

it's my friends who are helping me get back on track. they also let me know that it's okay to stay out of the lime light for a while. that it is okay to take as much time as i need to refocus and readjust.

i still know that i'm right where i'm supposed to be...and i also know that no matter what tries to derail me, it can't. life keeps on moving and i'm right there with it.

it's a good feeling knowing i'm not letting life live me.

it's been a while

thought: sometimes life takes over

i'm pretty sure i've used that as a thought before. but it is true. life has taken over and here i am sitting here sick for the 2nd time in a month. which is funny considering that i have actually taken time to slow things down.

since march, things have been pretty hectic. and as much as life has changed, it has stayed the same. i still have the most amazing friends and family in the world and i'm still learning about myself and about life. in fact, i've felt myself changing and becoming someone else. but it hasn't been in a bad way. i'm becoming someone who is more transparent and who is realizing that they actually need other people to make it through life. more and more the past few months i've been depending on other people to help me. it hasn't been easy...but it is probably one of the best things i've ever done.

i think this past month, however, has probably been the most difficult. someone i really like moved an hour away. in the process of that we're trying to keep the relationship. it hasn't been easy but through it i've grown an awful lot. and by grown, i mean that i have spent a lot of time reading my Bible and praying. it is the only thing that let's me know we're going to be alright...well not the only thing but it definitely helps.

so where have i come from and where am i going?

well the come from part is easy. i can tell you that without any doubt. where am i going? i don't know. i thought i knew...and i'd like to say i do. but i don't. i'm taking life one day at a time and in the process i'm trying not to let life take over me...

ope my bad

thought: i was right about the changes...

well, i was pretty right about the changes. it's been a crazy month since i've written last. a ton of stuff has happened. but most importantly, i'm learning more and more about myself everyday...

...which is really overwhelming at times. it's good though.

but enough about that!

I BOUGHT A CAR!!

talk about a change. i'm pretty stoked about it and really love it. i went from an SUV to a sedan...scary at first but good. i like it a lot.

tons of other things are happening in life right now too and i could go on and on about them...but to keep from rambling, i won't :)

will do better on my blogging though!

Change is in the Air?

thought: something is coming. something that is about to rock my world



at least i think change is coming in my life. while i haven't quite figured out what it is, i have a few guesses.



tonight, while cleaning up after dinner (i've been mom for a week to 3 kids) i realized again how much i cannot wait to have my own place and my own dishes to do. there was something so, rewarding i guess, in making the kids dinner and seeing how much they liked it. then going from that to making banana splits. after the ice cream, it was straight to the dishes and laundry. then picking up some toys, backpacks, and sweeping the kitchen. i really don't mind all of it. and i enjoyed the cleaning.



what's going on with me? why, all of a sudden do i like this stuff? i was going to be the girl, who like Jennifer Lopez in Wedding Planner came home, ate a lean cuisine and worked, worked, worked. now, i can't wait to have a home, cook, clean, and do homework with the kids.



it all started in summer of 2008. all of a sudden i got this burning passion and desire to get married. never before had i wanted it so bad. i always said that i would stay single forever and be an old maid. then i guessed i would get married....eventually....but that summer, it came on strong and i knew without a shadow of a doubt that this is what i wanted. i also knew that it wasn't going to happen right away. even though, i met a guy and thought he was the one. it didn't work out...and looking back now, i can see several things that were not right in the relationship.



then, this past summer, in 2009, i got the burning desire to be a mom. i wanted more than ever before to have a child and watch them grow up. i wanted to hold my own children and take them to work to see daddy. to buy them birthday and Christmas presents they didn't need. to go on fun trips...and to embarrass them like nothing else.



and now i can tell that i'm about to change yet again. though i'm not sure what is going to happen, something big is coming. i'd like to say i can pinpoint what it is but i can't. i hate when i get this feeling because i know that something is about to happen and i don't really know what it is...drives me crazy...not knowing what's coming next. i like to plan stuff out, really i do. and i like having a direction.

yet, as i've learned in life its not about where i want to go. so i guess that means i just have to sit tight and wait.