writers block

thought: work brain work

i've had some severe writer's block. the idea for my previous post started on February 22nd. I edited it on February 28th. Then went back and did some more editing today and posted it 3 minutes ago. (Yeah, I know the post date says 2/28. I wanted to make myself look good. haha)

For some reason, I haven't been able to write lately. I don't know if it is because there is so much going on or if i lose the ideas as soon as i get them. i have no clue. i had an idea for another post but i just couldn't get the idea off the ground so i deleted it. i shoulda posted it. now i don't even remember what it was!

oh well. i guess it's good to get a case like this every now and then. i'm sure it means that my next idea is going to be one of my best...or maybe it means that i need to work some rough ideas out in public and see where they go...i have no clue...

i do know, however, that warm weather is on it's way and spring is coming soon. that excites me. it means that my adventurous, spontaneous self will be itching to go for some weekend road trips/day trips. that means that am sure to get some writing ideas. who knows, maybe i will branch out and throw some short stories in here and there. (never done that before...kinda makes me nervous, but maybe it's time to branch out??)

who knows! i am certain that more entertaining posts will come. right now i'm in a lull and i ask you to forgive me for that!

until next time...

words

thought: choose your words wisely

we've all heard the quotes and sayings talking about how important words are. it seems like i am always hearing "choose your words wisely". and i do, for the most part. i place a high value on words and i take great care in picking them....

...except when, you know, i talk before i think....

i love it though when i get one word texts. text messages in general can be difficult to discern. meanings can get lost and some of those abbreviations are confusing. but every so often, a single word will pop up and the exact meaning of the word is known. no translation needed.

after watching the Academy Awards last night and hearing their speeches, it, again, made me think about the power of words. the winners have a set amount of time to thank everyone who made it possible for them to win the award or who made their performance possible. if they slip up, pause to laugh or receive an applause their precious time gets cut short and they miss out. the music starts and its sorry charlie, your time is up, get off my stage.

these people gotta know who they want to thank and in what order. they need to choose their words.

it isn't an easy task, picking words. in fact it down right sucks sometimes. then there is the inflection of the words. i can say "yes" a million different ways. sometimes it means "yes" other times it means "no" "i don't care" or "seriously, you want me to do what??"

then again, sometimes the words are perfect and the timing isn't. example. have you ever said "i love you" to anyone who isn't family or a close friend and gotten a blank stare back as the response? how often do we see this scenario in tv or the movies? all the time. at some point in our lives, we have been on either side of this statement. (me? i've been on the receiving end. i responded with a blank stare.)

i guess what i'm trying to say is that words make a world of difference so watch what you say....

an ode to dad and mom

thought: There is no such cozy combination as man and wife. - Menander

for the second time this week, i'm thinking about love...and marriage. today is my parent's anniversary and i was trying to think of a creative way to wish them a happy one.

i decided to do the best (and cheapest) thing possible...dedicate my facebook status to them.

thoughtful, right?

i wanted to make it creative though. not just a typical "happy anniversary! thanks for being a wonderful example of a married couple." which, they are. i took to looking for a quote about marriage. there were several wonderfully written ones. several cheesy ones. several profound ones. i wanted to find something that represented my parents well. it was a toss up between something by James Dobson and comedian, Rita Rudner.

rita won.

the status is this: I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - rita rudner. happy anniversary dad and mom! i love you guys!

if you know my parents you know how funny this is. their relationship is made of many things (and many years!). but one of the biggest things i see in it is humor. my parents know how to take a joke. and how to play joke on each other. oh the stories my siblings and i could tell of the practical jokes played by our parents.

their sense of humor together is great too. the creative genius between them is something rarely seen in couples. i've seen my parents write sketches, gather the props, rehearse, and perform them...all in about a 12hour time span. when it comes to costume parties, dad and mom can't be beat. give them a song and a parody will be written...then choreographed...then recorded, costumed, and taught to us kids for a performance. (all in the same week!)

if you haven't guessed, when my parent's do something, they do it big.

explains a lot about me, doesn't it?

seriously though, my parents met when they were 15 and 16 years old. they've been together longer than they've been apart. every year i see them love each other more and more...and it never ceases to amaze me. i really enjoy watching them...and seeing how they handle things. i'm taking notes. i'm not so sure how i'm going to react when my kids call me at 11pm saying they've been rear-ended, the guy got away, and now the car won't start...oh, and that tuition is due in a week. but i know how my parents reacted. thankfully, it was with grace.

i've seen them bend over backwards for their kids, family, and friends. my parents know how to give...and serve. i don't know of anyone who would say a bad word about them. they are beyond cool.

then again, i'm biased.

i've always been a daddy's girl. i love it when we're able to catch each other and talk. doesn't happen much now that i'm older and our schedules are totally different. but i sure do love talking to and hanging out with my daddy.

mom and i have always talked too. the older i've gotten, the better the conversation has become. i'm blessed to see her everyday at work...

...and that i can shop in her closet when i want something different to wear!

i wouldn't trade my parents for the world. they are two of the most amazing people i have ever met. watching them with each other is a treat. i'm excited to see what their future holds. between a wedding and all four of their kids being in their 20s, this year alone will be epic.

happy anniversary dad and mom. i love you guys and would be lost without you. thanks for all the advice, always listening to me, and still telling me to make my bed and take out the trash. it all means the world to me.

that's amore

thought: love is in the air...

or so, hallmark is trying to make people think it is. yes, it's that time of year ladies and gents... February 14th is seven days away.

but don't worry, this isn't a hate blog about valentine's day...nor is it a hint for anyone who reads my posts...just simply some observations.

personally, i think valentine's day is a sweet gesture. i mean, i know plenty of guys who forget about birthdays or anniversaries or other important dates. this one if hard to miss, however. stores are decked out in pink, red, and white hearts. the flower, candy, and card commercials are abundant as are the jewelry ones. the only way to miss it is if you're living under a rock.

let's face it, i'm a bit of a sap so i get into the whole flower, candy jewelry thing. there was a time when i thought ill of the whole thing, found it silly even. but the older i get, the more i really think it's sweet...even if it is a hallmark holiday. people want to know that they are loved, thought well of, and cared for. is that too much to ask? i think not.

have i ever had a valentine? nope. mom gets us a card every year and it lists all of the things she loves about us...i don't count that (love ya mom, but aren't you obligated to tell me how great i am??). i think, maybe, i'm holding out.

you know what's funny is that i'm listening to love songs while typing this. there is a cheesy smile on my face and i'm thinking back, remembering, seeing friends fall in love and find their forever

valentine. it was a very cool thing to witness.

love is one of my favorite topics to write about. the stories are abundant. they end sweetly...or not. they can be happy or sad. uplifting or outraging. predictiable or unpredictable. you never know really...and everyone has one. it's a universal thing that everyone, to some extent, can relate to. i think that's why i'm a fan of February 14th. it's a free, totally acceptable day to love people without question.

valentine's day can be celebrated with anyone you care for...not just that special, romantic relationship. i've spent several with friends, out at dinner, laughing up a storm...and those were the best. i was with people i really loved being with. eventually, i will have the rest of my life to be with my forever valentine. and, i'm sure, so will many of you who may happen to read this.

so, with all of this love in the air, make the most of it. if you have a special someone, let them know how much you care. if you don't, well, call your friends, strike up the band and have a ball. but for the skeptics, you may have a point, you know. this whole thing could be overrated...kind of like a kiss at the stroke of midnight for the new year.

or not. i'm a sap, remember.

whatever your situation, share the love. buy chocolates for yourself...buy flowers and give them to random people. it's a day of love. share it.

it got me

thought: no matter how hard you try, sometimes "it" wins

when i wrote last time, it was about fear. well, today, i let fear get the best of me. my attitude today was very different than it has been the past few days. i knew as soon as i woke up that i didn't want to fight it...so i let my guard down and gave in.

i felt like junk too.

defeated.

defeated is definitely how i felt.

but then i was reminded that i am loved. not only by people on earth but by Someone who knows every fiber of my being. there is a Creator who has a hand on all that i do. my Bible study is going through a book about myths that Christians often believe. the first one is that once you become a believer you're life is trial and tribulation free. our example was Joseph. think about it, guy was betrayed by his brothers...his family... then sold as a slave. He then picked up the pieces only to be falsely accused of rape and spent time in prison. He was there for a while, helped some people who forgot about him but ultimately he rose to a position of great power.

joseph never gave up on God. the bible never mentions anything about him questioning his circumstances. it seems like he just went along with it and was alright with his life.

i'm not so certain i could hold my composure like joseph did. actually, i know i couldn't. if you know me, you know that i often wear my emotions on my sleeve. what does that mean? if i'm happy you can tell. tired? written all over my face. mad? buddy, you better run. and if you can't tell, then allow me to recommend my optometrist. he's great.

seriously though, how joseph did what he did, i don't know. but i do know that the same person he clung to, had faith in, and didn't run from is with me as well. and, as funny as it sounds, i forget that sometimes. in the last post i said something about using the one i can't see to fight something i can't see. when my wits finally came to me, i did. i ran. things changed. i knew i would be fine. just had to put my heart and mind where they should have been in the first place.

so here i am, at the end of my day. not sure what tomorrow will bring but i am ready for it. i am ready for whatever will be thrown at me. i experienced some major fear and defeat today. but not tomorrow. tomorrow is a new day and i am going to approach it head on.

i can't be stopped.

God can't be stopped.

fear

thought: what is there to be afraid of?

i have always had a fear of heights. as long as i could remember, i've been afraid of being up in the air. not quite sure where it stems from and it has gotten better...but boy oh boy has it gotten the best of me.

we were planning a family trip to disneyland. i said i wasn't going to go because i didn't want to fly.

going to the top of the space needle, i cried. (i also thought my parents actually believed me that time and were going to leave me at the bottom by myself...which made me cry too! they didn't, by the way. i heard dad say 2 adult and 3 children's tickets. turns out, children under 5 were free.)

this fear has deprived me of some really cool things. like not looking out the view of a light house because i didn't want to climb to the top.

it has taught me things too...i did some high ropes courses and showed myself it was possible to complete it without breaking down.

i used to not ride roller coasters. i love them now.

i also love to fly.

what changed? not much, i don't think. i shudder thinking about climbing a ladder and don't like working on a catwalk (not the runway, model kind). i know i am safe, but i still have this irrational fear.

maybe, what has changed is my perspective on fear. maybe, i have experienced things that can really hold people captive to the fear. i'm not saying my fear of heights is anything less than it is or was. it was a very real thing. but i have learned to manage it. notice i said "manage" not "deal". those are two different things.

as i have gotten older, i have faced uncertainty in various areas. the "normal" things someone my age would face, i suppose. but what about the not so normal? one could say i have faced some not so normal things for someone at my stage in life. is it okay to be afraid of those things?

i have tried not to let that fear grip me. i have tried not to let my circumstances take over and hold me back. i think i have begun to live more if anything. or have tried, at least.

reading all of my past posts, one could make the argument that i have lived. i'm fairly honest in the posts...paint a good picture, i think. though, and i said this to someone earlier, that i am vague when i write as well. i covered the topic of transparency before...and there are some posts where it is quite obvious what i am writing about. but for the most part, i try to keep it neutral. that way it appeals to anyone...and i am able to get the idea off my chest.

have i been to neutral though? or have i been to descriptive? what if i have described things so vividly that i have attracted some unwanted attention? what if said unwanted attention is a computer wiz and can figure out my ISP address and find me.

thats a legit fear...which i never really thought about before...but, it probably stemmed from watching bits and pieces of the bodyguard last week. Whitney's character had a stalker. hence the reason she needed a bodyguard. (anyone want to be my Kevin Costner?)

will it make me delete the blog? no. i'm not too concerned about that. being a verbal person, blogging is a good thing for me. and if someone stumbles on this blog and gets some benefit from it, then, as a writer, i've done my job.

but back to the fear thing...dude, i have experienced some heavy stuff. some scary stuff. i've learned, however, that the only way through it is Faith. why not use something you cannot see to defeat something you cannot see?

having fantastic support helps as well. but, people can tell you all the right things all day long and if you don't believe them what good is it? going up those high ropes courses, people encouraged me. it was nice, but honestly, it didn't do much. if i didn't want to climb that tree and jump off i wasn't going to. you can tell me "you go girl" "it's easy, just move your feet" or "it's not that bad" all day long, but if i don't want to move, people, i ain't movin'.

stubborn? yes. determined not to live my life in fear? definitely.

so as i learn to face new fears in life, i keep in mind that i really have no reason to be afraid. i have a safe harbor that i can stay in. if i shift my perspective and look at it the way He looks at it, then i can overcome it.

i don't want to live my fear's life. i want to live my life.

song of the year

thought: i think i found my song of the year!

Christmas has come and gone.

The new year was brought in.

And now, I learn today that 5% of this year is already over.

Crazy.

"crazy" is actually a good word to describe the year thus far. i have been up and i have been down. i have spent hours laughing and hours crying. i have seen a bright future and i have seen a dismal one.

so what does all of that have to do with my song of the year? and how can i be so sure i have found it so soon? usually, my song of the year hits me in July...this year, i found it on January 16th. i heard it on 3 different radio stations in about 3 hours. it was nuts. i mean, every time i hear this song i get pumped. i laugh. i sing. i dance. it's fun...

..and totally cheesy. it's one of those songs that people hear the first line and then belt out the next line.

yes, i'm talking about the 1981 hit "Don't Stop Believin'"!

...i can almost hear the laughter and feel the judgement of people reading this now. i think it's kind of funny, actually.

if you look at the anthem of the song, it talks about pushing on. and with the start my 2011 has had, that is exactly what i am going to do. i'm not going to stop believing. i'm not going to lose heart. not going to lose faith.

besides, it really is fun to dance to.

Don't Stop!