Mended and Dependent

This is a bit different than my normal format. I wrote it last night and put it on Facebook. I though it would be fitting to post it here as well.

I know that God is faithful. Time and again He has shown that to me. I also know that He is a Healer. If you ask me what my testimony of the Lord is, I would definitely say that He is faithful and a healer. Then I would tell you countless times when He has faithfully healed someone I know. Or when He has followed through on His promises.

Over the past year, however, I have learned something else that to add to that list. The Lord also is Someone to depend on. Yes, elementary Christianity I'm sure. It probably rides very close along the lines of Him being faithful. But for me...in my life...it takes on something entirely different. Those who know me know that I am a very independent person who rarely asks for help. I do have a hard time delegating or even asking people to help with simple tasks. As of late though, all that has changed. In November 2009, a slow changed started to take place in me. Since that time, I have learned that it is okay to ask for help. People won't think you're weak, unintelligent, or not capable of anything. I've become very dependent on other people helping me with things and accepting help when offered. And yes, I have learned to depend on the Lord more too.

Today, I was doing an activity that I've done for years. It should be like second nature to me and I am comfortable doing it. But in the middle of it, I suddenly couldn't go on. All that was in me wanted to stop what I was doing and walk away. I was literally to the point of tears while doing this. But I kept on. It hit me later...much later...that it wasn't me. That I had some help. The Lord then reminded me that I can be dependent on Him. There was no way I was going to finish what I was doing.

Talk about a slap in the face. I know that is what He has been teaching me and I totally forgot. Why?

Because I was wrapped up in what I was doing and how I could fix it. Plus I was thinking about the rest of my day and how I was going to get through that.

Then, tonight during the Well, Mark took a moment for us all to slow down. Actually before that, he had prayed about all that we do giving glory to God. Which I was totally praying too. Because I want to give Him glory and this thing I was doing is a way of giving glory. Anyway, Mark had us take a moment to stop and be still. That's when it really hit me. I go and go and go. When do I ever stop? I mean, someone mentioned to me earlier this week that they had never seen me "chill" and other friends told me they assume the only time I'm "chill" is when I'm sleeping...which is true. I go high speed all the time. Well, it was during this time that I realized what the Lord did for me. It hurt burned a little...okay, a lot.

On the way home, I was reminded about a song by Watermark called "Mended". The chorus says:

You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause your love is perfect
You are our healer
And you know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to You


and I totally realized that HE has a plan. Which, again, I know this. Then it got to the second verse which says

We will dance 'cause you restore the wasted years
and You will sing over all our coming fears

"Restore the wasted years"...good grief, how much of my life has been wasted by going high speed all the time?

"You will sing over our coming fears"...yup. That one hits home too. Definitely have a fear about the situation.

But wait, it's not over.

The bridge talks about how the Lord mends everything and gives us His best when we thought we had better. And here's the kicker. The next line is "You are to be praised"

That's what I want my life to reflect. I want to have a life of praise...and I'm learning that when I am dependent on Him that I praise Him more and more.

So right here, right now in the midst of my fear I am stopping and giving it up. I am depending on my God who is Faithful and a Healer. I know He will not fail me and He has a plan. All I need to do is slow down, be still, and wait. This entire thing is in His hands. I know that some how, some way it will bring Him glory.

I am not a mystery to Him.

Never Been One For Luck

Thought: what's the point of lucky clothes? really?

I have never been one to have a lucky pair of socks or shirt, but let me tell you, this new hoodie is nothing but luck.

never would i have thought, in a million years, that i would have a lucky article of clothing. but i do. there is something special about this hoodie. i knew from the moment i tired it on that it would be great. it fits perfect. and its comfortable.

i find it ironic that at the beginning of the year this new hoodie and i are starting things off with a bang. it really has been a great 11 days of 2010. i'm so excited to see what the rest of the year has in store.

the only major question i have is if i should wash this hoodie or not. i mean, it could lose the luck...right?

or maybe it will get luckier with each wash??

2010

thought: new year; new me.

..at least that's what i should be thinking right? aren't people supposed to make resolutions and change at the beginning of the year? i never have.

this year is going to be different though. i can tell. it started off different.

actually, i was a bit pissed when it started off. some people that i was supposed to hang out with basically bailed out on me. i thought it was going to be a sucky new year. but, i had the best time of my life. never have i laughed so much in one night. the people i was with were great. i love them all.

i've learned that when you try too much to please people, you end up failing...not them...but yourself. thats the worst part i think. when you feel like you put so much time into someone and then they back out on you. the cool part about that is that when it happens, sometimes, other people come along and unexpectedly have your back. so cool.

in that respect, i am changing. i'm not going to put so much time into people.

i guess with that being said, i'm going to spend more time focusing on myself (got some yoga/pilates and cycling gear for Christmas!) and volunteering. i got asked the other day if i would be interested in teaching an english as a second language course. i'm excited.

with the onset of 2010, i've become more punchy...sassy...whatever you want to call it. it's a new me i guess...and i'm not even putting that much effort in.

just need to be careful. i don't want to lose my friends and i don't want to become a jerk. however, i also am tired of people's crap. why should i listen and take their junk? seriously, i have better things to do.

i'm stoked about 2010. it's been a great first 5 days. maybe, i will be better about blogging this year. i've had this one for a year. whoo-hoo!

let's kick 2010 off the charts. best year ever.

i didn't fall down

thought: never thought that day would come

i graduated on Thursday. never thought it would come...but it did. it's still a but surreal that i won't be going back to school in january but then again i'm ready to be done...

....for a while. i already planned my second degree. if i decide to get one that is. we will see.

but yeah, when i was a kid, i didn't think i would see this day...shoot, i didn't think i would see high school graduation. its only because i didn't think that far in advance. now that i'm, um, more mature, I am definitely thinking about the future.

it's weird.

on a completely different point, i didn't trip or fall during graduation!

disgusted

thought: simply put, i just don't care.

in my last post, i wrote about motivation...or more my lack of motivation. i am at the end of school and i don't care. i have been in school since i was 4 years old...almost 20 years later i'm still in. i am ready to be done.

i don't care if i flunk my classes...i'm still going to graduate. so what if i don't have a minor. i may go back in a few years to get a second degree anyway.

what's sad is that i am sure one day i will look back and wish i cared more. seriously though, i pushed my self all through college and now i am tired. all i have to do is one research project that i should have started a month ago and 3 finals. i could care less about the project.

i have never felt like this before. i'm disgusted with myself. but i don't mind that so much either. i am numb right now. my body hurts. my mind is frustrated. room is a wreck. i can't think. i really just want to cry. throw my hands up and cry. i just don't care and i'm making myself sick. i have never felt like this before. normally i can kick out a project in a few nights and it's decent. and i'm motivated. with this, i could care less...

...and that scares me. what's happened to me? where is my ambition and drive? i've let other things take over who i am...things that have probably been keeping me sane with how busy i am. but right now, in this moment, i just want to curl up and sleep. don't want to leave the house or look at any more books, websites, or databases. i'm done.

do i really want a second degree? yes. i do.

there is my drive and ambition.

that's also why i'm taking time off between now and then. to make sure i really want to do that.

but what about right now? right now, i want to sleep, get a massage, ride my bike, or dance. not read. i want to be active but my body says no and my mind is trying to focus on research.

yet everything in me wants to throw it all away and give up. because there is something in me that doesn't care at all about this.

this is really gross. i never would have thought i would have this feeling. it's the worst ever.

motivation

thought: i should be motivated and ready to do this

my motivation lately has been odd. i am so close to finishing school and should be motivated to get done but i am so tired i don't even care. is that bad?

i think so.

where has my motivation gone? i've done well for so long in school that now i don't even care...i just want to be done.

next month can't come soon enough.

see, i'm even too tired to blog. this sucks.

i wanna rock

thought: we all want to be a rock star

lately i have been singing like crazy. i don't ever stop. any song on the radio, in the car, shower, that other people are singing or humming...i sing all the time....and i'm loud! i don't do it quietly, i'm a belt it out sort of girl.

i've always loved music and have loved to sing. when i hear a song for the first time, i can pick up the melody line and hum along pretty fast. i don't know where i got the ability to do that but it happens a lot.

am i a great vocalist? no. but i don't suck either. yet, it has always been a dream to be on stage and wow a crowd. i think a lot of people have had this dream. we all want to be actors or rock stars or athletes.

or maybe you want to be a CEO.

i don't know. but whatever you want to do, go for it. will i audition for American Idol? no way - but i will never stop singing.