it's been a while

thought: sometimes life takes over

i'm pretty sure i've used that as a thought before. but it is true. life has taken over and here i am sitting here sick for the 2nd time in a month. which is funny considering that i have actually taken time to slow things down.

since march, things have been pretty hectic. and as much as life has changed, it has stayed the same. i still have the most amazing friends and family in the world and i'm still learning about myself and about life. in fact, i've felt myself changing and becoming someone else. but it hasn't been in a bad way. i'm becoming someone who is more transparent and who is realizing that they actually need other people to make it through life. more and more the past few months i've been depending on other people to help me. it hasn't been easy...but it is probably one of the best things i've ever done.

i think this past month, however, has probably been the most difficult. someone i really like moved an hour away. in the process of that we're trying to keep the relationship. it hasn't been easy but through it i've grown an awful lot. and by grown, i mean that i have spent a lot of time reading my Bible and praying. it is the only thing that let's me know we're going to be alright...well not the only thing but it definitely helps.

so where have i come from and where am i going?

well the come from part is easy. i can tell you that without any doubt. where am i going? i don't know. i thought i knew...and i'd like to say i do. but i don't. i'm taking life one day at a time and in the process i'm trying not to let life take over me...

ope my bad

thought: i was right about the changes...

well, i was pretty right about the changes. it's been a crazy month since i've written last. a ton of stuff has happened. but most importantly, i'm learning more and more about myself everyday...

...which is really overwhelming at times. it's good though.

but enough about that!

I BOUGHT A CAR!!

talk about a change. i'm pretty stoked about it and really love it. i went from an SUV to a sedan...scary at first but good. i like it a lot.

tons of other things are happening in life right now too and i could go on and on about them...but to keep from rambling, i won't :)

will do better on my blogging though!

Change is in the Air?

thought: something is coming. something that is about to rock my world



at least i think change is coming in my life. while i haven't quite figured out what it is, i have a few guesses.



tonight, while cleaning up after dinner (i've been mom for a week to 3 kids) i realized again how much i cannot wait to have my own place and my own dishes to do. there was something so, rewarding i guess, in making the kids dinner and seeing how much they liked it. then going from that to making banana splits. after the ice cream, it was straight to the dishes and laundry. then picking up some toys, backpacks, and sweeping the kitchen. i really don't mind all of it. and i enjoyed the cleaning.



what's going on with me? why, all of a sudden do i like this stuff? i was going to be the girl, who like Jennifer Lopez in Wedding Planner came home, ate a lean cuisine and worked, worked, worked. now, i can't wait to have a home, cook, clean, and do homework with the kids.



it all started in summer of 2008. all of a sudden i got this burning passion and desire to get married. never before had i wanted it so bad. i always said that i would stay single forever and be an old maid. then i guessed i would get married....eventually....but that summer, it came on strong and i knew without a shadow of a doubt that this is what i wanted. i also knew that it wasn't going to happen right away. even though, i met a guy and thought he was the one. it didn't work out...and looking back now, i can see several things that were not right in the relationship.



then, this past summer, in 2009, i got the burning desire to be a mom. i wanted more than ever before to have a child and watch them grow up. i wanted to hold my own children and take them to work to see daddy. to buy them birthday and Christmas presents they didn't need. to go on fun trips...and to embarrass them like nothing else.



and now i can tell that i'm about to change yet again. though i'm not sure what is going to happen, something big is coming. i'd like to say i can pinpoint what it is but i can't. i hate when i get this feeling because i know that something is about to happen and i don't really know what it is...drives me crazy...not knowing what's coming next. i like to plan stuff out, really i do. and i like having a direction.

yet, as i've learned in life its not about where i want to go. so i guess that means i just have to sit tight and wait.

Mended and Dependent

This is a bit different than my normal format. I wrote it last night and put it on Facebook. I though it would be fitting to post it here as well.

I know that God is faithful. Time and again He has shown that to me. I also know that He is a Healer. If you ask me what my testimony of the Lord is, I would definitely say that He is faithful and a healer. Then I would tell you countless times when He has faithfully healed someone I know. Or when He has followed through on His promises.

Over the past year, however, I have learned something else that to add to that list. The Lord also is Someone to depend on. Yes, elementary Christianity I'm sure. It probably rides very close along the lines of Him being faithful. But for me...in my life...it takes on something entirely different. Those who know me know that I am a very independent person who rarely asks for help. I do have a hard time delegating or even asking people to help with simple tasks. As of late though, all that has changed. In November 2009, a slow changed started to take place in me. Since that time, I have learned that it is okay to ask for help. People won't think you're weak, unintelligent, or not capable of anything. I've become very dependent on other people helping me with things and accepting help when offered. And yes, I have learned to depend on the Lord more too.

Today, I was doing an activity that I've done for years. It should be like second nature to me and I am comfortable doing it. But in the middle of it, I suddenly couldn't go on. All that was in me wanted to stop what I was doing and walk away. I was literally to the point of tears while doing this. But I kept on. It hit me later...much later...that it wasn't me. That I had some help. The Lord then reminded me that I can be dependent on Him. There was no way I was going to finish what I was doing.

Talk about a slap in the face. I know that is what He has been teaching me and I totally forgot. Why?

Because I was wrapped up in what I was doing and how I could fix it. Plus I was thinking about the rest of my day and how I was going to get through that.

Then, tonight during the Well, Mark took a moment for us all to slow down. Actually before that, he had prayed about all that we do giving glory to God. Which I was totally praying too. Because I want to give Him glory and this thing I was doing is a way of giving glory. Anyway, Mark had us take a moment to stop and be still. That's when it really hit me. I go and go and go. When do I ever stop? I mean, someone mentioned to me earlier this week that they had never seen me "chill" and other friends told me they assume the only time I'm "chill" is when I'm sleeping...which is true. I go high speed all the time. Well, it was during this time that I realized what the Lord did for me. It hurt burned a little...okay, a lot.

On the way home, I was reminded about a song by Watermark called "Mended". The chorus says:

You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause your love is perfect
You are our healer
And you know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to You


and I totally realized that HE has a plan. Which, again, I know this. Then it got to the second verse which says

We will dance 'cause you restore the wasted years
and You will sing over all our coming fears

"Restore the wasted years"...good grief, how much of my life has been wasted by going high speed all the time?

"You will sing over our coming fears"...yup. That one hits home too. Definitely have a fear about the situation.

But wait, it's not over.

The bridge talks about how the Lord mends everything and gives us His best when we thought we had better. And here's the kicker. The next line is "You are to be praised"

That's what I want my life to reflect. I want to have a life of praise...and I'm learning that when I am dependent on Him that I praise Him more and more.

So right here, right now in the midst of my fear I am stopping and giving it up. I am depending on my God who is Faithful and a Healer. I know He will not fail me and He has a plan. All I need to do is slow down, be still, and wait. This entire thing is in His hands. I know that some how, some way it will bring Him glory.

I am not a mystery to Him.

Never Been One For Luck

Thought: what's the point of lucky clothes? really?

I have never been one to have a lucky pair of socks or shirt, but let me tell you, this new hoodie is nothing but luck.

never would i have thought, in a million years, that i would have a lucky article of clothing. but i do. there is something special about this hoodie. i knew from the moment i tired it on that it would be great. it fits perfect. and its comfortable.

i find it ironic that at the beginning of the year this new hoodie and i are starting things off with a bang. it really has been a great 11 days of 2010. i'm so excited to see what the rest of the year has in store.

the only major question i have is if i should wash this hoodie or not. i mean, it could lose the luck...right?

or maybe it will get luckier with each wash??

2010

thought: new year; new me.

..at least that's what i should be thinking right? aren't people supposed to make resolutions and change at the beginning of the year? i never have.

this year is going to be different though. i can tell. it started off different.

actually, i was a bit pissed when it started off. some people that i was supposed to hang out with basically bailed out on me. i thought it was going to be a sucky new year. but, i had the best time of my life. never have i laughed so much in one night. the people i was with were great. i love them all.

i've learned that when you try too much to please people, you end up failing...not them...but yourself. thats the worst part i think. when you feel like you put so much time into someone and then they back out on you. the cool part about that is that when it happens, sometimes, other people come along and unexpectedly have your back. so cool.

in that respect, i am changing. i'm not going to put so much time into people.

i guess with that being said, i'm going to spend more time focusing on myself (got some yoga/pilates and cycling gear for Christmas!) and volunteering. i got asked the other day if i would be interested in teaching an english as a second language course. i'm excited.

with the onset of 2010, i've become more punchy...sassy...whatever you want to call it. it's a new me i guess...and i'm not even putting that much effort in.

just need to be careful. i don't want to lose my friends and i don't want to become a jerk. however, i also am tired of people's crap. why should i listen and take their junk? seriously, i have better things to do.

i'm stoked about 2010. it's been a great first 5 days. maybe, i will be better about blogging this year. i've had this one for a year. whoo-hoo!

let's kick 2010 off the charts. best year ever.

i didn't fall down

thought: never thought that day would come

i graduated on Thursday. never thought it would come...but it did. it's still a but surreal that i won't be going back to school in january but then again i'm ready to be done...

....for a while. i already planned my second degree. if i decide to get one that is. we will see.

but yeah, when i was a kid, i didn't think i would see this day...shoot, i didn't think i would see high school graduation. its only because i didn't think that far in advance. now that i'm, um, more mature, I am definitely thinking about the future.

it's weird.

on a completely different point, i didn't trip or fall during graduation!