I'm Still Here

thought: 25? really? i shouldn't be here.

the other day i wrote about slowing down and lessons i've learned in my 25 years. i'll admit, i'm not too crazy about the whole birthday thing anymore. in fact, i've been downright melancholy about my birthdays the last few years. i think, maybe, it's because somewhere along the way the whole birthday thing has lost its magic. i don't know when, but it did. i still love to celebrate other peoples birthdays and planning something great for them. but for me, i've began to see it as just another day.

last night, though, well it was actually this morning around 4am, i remembered that i do have a reason to celebrate.

you know how you hear those stories of people who shouldn't be alive? they went through some traumatic, life threatening experience and made it through. or how some people seem like all the odds are against them. yet, no matter what, they make a way and beat the odds.

i'm one of those people.

April 28th, 1986 at Whidbey General Hospital in Coupeville, WA is where it began. Mom was on her way there to give birth to her first child. I don't know the particulars of the pregnancy. But I do remember mom telling me once that she had a thing for pineapple pizza while she was carrying me. That explains why I love it so much.

I don't know how long mom was in labor. or even the time i was born. but i do know that i came into this world silent. and blue. and spotted.

i didn't breathe for the first few moments of my life. if you know me, you know that i definitely know how to make an entrance into a room. my entrance into the world wasn't much different. people knew i was coming, yes, but they didn't expect me to be silent about it.

a couple years ago, on my birthday, my grandma posted this on my wall:

I will never forget your grand entrance into the world.

You came fast, real fast, super fast. Or else your mom waited too long to get to the hospital.

The doctor smacked you, but you decided to hold your breath till you turned blue. The doctor threw you like a football to Glenda, the head nurse.

I'm praying in tongues, for 4 long minutes She massaged your heart, gave you her breath, I'm still praying, till you let out a scream . Then I'm HALLELUJAHING!!!!! Wiping my tears. We all were. The

room was full even Grandpa

after the initial scare, i was a fairly healthy baby. i weighed in at 8lbs 1oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. they say i was cute. and a mess.

i was cute. and i was a mess. but look at that picture again. notice my eye? when i was born, my eyes were focused inward. you could say i have a lazy eye. well, yes, you could call it that. but i prefer to say that my eyes work independently. i used webmd to find the correct names for what i have. i came up with Strabismus which leads to or can cause Amblyopia. both my eyes work. both my eyes see pretty well (i had 20/20 vision when i was 12!) but one is nearsighted and the other is farsighted.

i had two surgeries as an infant (like before the age of 2!) to fix the problem. the doctors went in and clipped the muscles next to the eyes to try and retract them, or pull them outward. according to the doctors, my surgeries were a success. my eyes pulled out but not too far out. and i can still see.

as a kid, growing up, i didn't notice it so much. i was always in and out of glasses and never really cared how i looked. getting into high school, however, i noticed it more and more. people always asked why i hid behind my glasses. i didn't think that i did. i had them my entire life so they were natural to me. and once i got my braces, they just seemed to fit with the long, lanky, gawky teen i was.

i did, eventually, go to contacts...after i had gained some self confidence. but one morning, while driving to work, i suddenly couldn't see. i thought my contact was in wrong. i took it out while i was in the car. (what? i had gotten good at being able to take them out with one hand!) and i dropped it! when i got to work, i took the other one out too. it was bothering me a bit as well. i knew i would be able to make it through the day without my contacts in, plus it was about time to change them. so no worries in tossing them. i would put my glasses on later.

later never came. in fact, i went all day without anything. i was fine. i realized it the next morning. so, i decided to go that entire day without my glasses. i made it most of the day. soon after that, i noticed that my eyes looked "normal".

why normal in quotations?

remember the picture? my eyes looked like that my entire life. they only time they looked "normal" was when they were dilated at the doctor's office. normal for me is not normal for the rest of the world. something was happening to my eyes. i was a few months away from 23 and i looked, well, normal.

i didn't know how to take it. then it dawned on me. after years and years of prayer, my eyes were Healed.

i was elated. nothing like that had ever happened to me before...that i remembered. i heard the stories of my birth and of those times when i had seizures but i didn't remember them. i do remember this.

and i remember that no matter how bummed or melancholy i want to be on my birthdays that i can't be that way. i wasn't created to be that way. i shouldn't have made it past the first 5 minutes of my life. probably even though my toddler years. (i didn't go into the seizure and other not breathing stories. i don't know them as well!). and if i did make it, i could have grown into a non-confident girl who let her eye problem hold her back and played a victim.

but i didn't.

i wasn't wired that way. yes, there may be some circuits that aren't quite right. but Someone made me the exact way He wanted me. and He decided that i am on this earth for a reason. that alone is enough to make me want to celebrate.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

you formed me in my mother's womb.

I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

before I'd even lived one day

-Psalm 139:13-16 the message

caution, slow moving 20something ahead

thought: For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. ~Lily Tomlin

my 25th birthday is coming up. usually, i am super stoked about birthdays. mainly ones that belong to other people. i've always been real excited about mine too, but this year, for some reason, i'm not. for the first time in a while, i'm not planning a shindig or dinner with friends. to those who know me, it probably seems like i don't care about my birthday this year. i mean, it's 25. that should be a big one. right? it seems like it is one of those magic numbers. you know what the magic numbers are, don't ya?

5, 10, 13, 16, 20, 21, 25, 30, 40, 50

they are the milestone numbers. or so we are taught. i mean, i will now be able to rent a car without any extra fees and i am pretty sure my insurance rate is going to go down...but other than that, what else is there to look forward to? i will be 30 in just 5 years. so i guess that count down can begin?

i suppose you could say i have been in a reflective mood this year. the last few years, i have been discovering who i am as a woman, daughter, friend, sister, employee, and Christian. i've learned a lot and been through a lot. life has given me plenty of experiences to draw from. if i tried, i'm sure i could go back a few years and list some of the major things that happened. i could write out the situation, how i reacted, what the outcome was, and what i learned. some of the things would be significant. in others, you would have to look for the significance.

but going into my 25th year of life, there are some definite things i learned from years 21-24. the one that is on my mind right now is to slow down.

slow down and think about life.

slow down and enjoy the little things.

slow down and live your life. don't let life live you.

slow down and spend time with those you love.

slow down and take time for yourself.

slow down and spend time listening to God.

slow down and just listen to people.

i'm known for having a fast paced life. i love it, i really do. everyone knows i wouldn't trade it for anything. but, i have learned the importance of slowing down and taking care of myself. i cannot run 110% when i'm only 60% ready. slowing down hasn't been an easy thing for me. but, when i force myself to do it, i really actually enjoy it.

a couple of weekends ago, i went to the redbox grabbed 4 dvds. 3 i had intended on seeing in the theater and 1 i did see in the theater only because a friend made me go. for an entire day and night, i was parked in front of the tv. i moved a few times. other than that, i was under a blanket not doing a thing. after i got over the feeling of being completely lazy, it really felt nice. my body needed the down time.

i'm not sure how many of those days i can handle. but i'm sure i can think of other relaxing things to do that are a little more involved. (like, you know, laying on the beach)

i fully intend for the rest of my 20s to be spent living my life to the fullest and doing new and exciting things. however, don't be surprised if you hear i took a day and didn't do a thing. or if i put my phone on silent and disappear from social media for a day or two. i'm not able to be the best i can possibly be if i don't stop to make sure i'm well. or that my heart and head are in the right place.

i need to slow down in order to speed up.

writers block

thought: work brain work

i've had some severe writer's block. the idea for my previous post started on February 22nd. I edited it on February 28th. Then went back and did some more editing today and posted it 3 minutes ago. (Yeah, I know the post date says 2/28. I wanted to make myself look good. haha)

For some reason, I haven't been able to write lately. I don't know if it is because there is so much going on or if i lose the ideas as soon as i get them. i have no clue. i had an idea for another post but i just couldn't get the idea off the ground so i deleted it. i shoulda posted it. now i don't even remember what it was!

oh well. i guess it's good to get a case like this every now and then. i'm sure it means that my next idea is going to be one of my best...or maybe it means that i need to work some rough ideas out in public and see where they go...i have no clue...

i do know, however, that warm weather is on it's way and spring is coming soon. that excites me. it means that my adventurous, spontaneous self will be itching to go for some weekend road trips/day trips. that means that am sure to get some writing ideas. who knows, maybe i will branch out and throw some short stories in here and there. (never done that before...kinda makes me nervous, but maybe it's time to branch out??)

who knows! i am certain that more entertaining posts will come. right now i'm in a lull and i ask you to forgive me for that!

until next time...

words

thought: choose your words wisely

we've all heard the quotes and sayings talking about how important words are. it seems like i am always hearing "choose your words wisely". and i do, for the most part. i place a high value on words and i take great care in picking them....

...except when, you know, i talk before i think....

i love it though when i get one word texts. text messages in general can be difficult to discern. meanings can get lost and some of those abbreviations are confusing. but every so often, a single word will pop up and the exact meaning of the word is known. no translation needed.

after watching the Academy Awards last night and hearing their speeches, it, again, made me think about the power of words. the winners have a set amount of time to thank everyone who made it possible for them to win the award or who made their performance possible. if they slip up, pause to laugh or receive an applause their precious time gets cut short and they miss out. the music starts and its sorry charlie, your time is up, get off my stage.

these people gotta know who they want to thank and in what order. they need to choose their words.

it isn't an easy task, picking words. in fact it down right sucks sometimes. then there is the inflection of the words. i can say "yes" a million different ways. sometimes it means "yes" other times it means "no" "i don't care" or "seriously, you want me to do what??"

then again, sometimes the words are perfect and the timing isn't. example. have you ever said "i love you" to anyone who isn't family or a close friend and gotten a blank stare back as the response? how often do we see this scenario in tv or the movies? all the time. at some point in our lives, we have been on either side of this statement. (me? i've been on the receiving end. i responded with a blank stare.)

i guess what i'm trying to say is that words make a world of difference so watch what you say....

an ode to dad and mom

thought: There is no such cozy combination as man and wife. - Menander

for the second time this week, i'm thinking about love...and marriage. today is my parent's anniversary and i was trying to think of a creative way to wish them a happy one.

i decided to do the best (and cheapest) thing possible...dedicate my facebook status to them.

thoughtful, right?

i wanted to make it creative though. not just a typical "happy anniversary! thanks for being a wonderful example of a married couple." which, they are. i took to looking for a quote about marriage. there were several wonderfully written ones. several cheesy ones. several profound ones. i wanted to find something that represented my parents well. it was a toss up between something by James Dobson and comedian, Rita Rudner.

rita won.

the status is this: I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - rita rudner. happy anniversary dad and mom! i love you guys!

if you know my parents you know how funny this is. their relationship is made of many things (and many years!). but one of the biggest things i see in it is humor. my parents know how to take a joke. and how to play joke on each other. oh the stories my siblings and i could tell of the practical jokes played by our parents.

their sense of humor together is great too. the creative genius between them is something rarely seen in couples. i've seen my parents write sketches, gather the props, rehearse, and perform them...all in about a 12hour time span. when it comes to costume parties, dad and mom can't be beat. give them a song and a parody will be written...then choreographed...then recorded, costumed, and taught to us kids for a performance. (all in the same week!)

if you haven't guessed, when my parent's do something, they do it big.

explains a lot about me, doesn't it?

seriously though, my parents met when they were 15 and 16 years old. they've been together longer than they've been apart. every year i see them love each other more and more...and it never ceases to amaze me. i really enjoy watching them...and seeing how they handle things. i'm taking notes. i'm not so sure how i'm going to react when my kids call me at 11pm saying they've been rear-ended, the guy got away, and now the car won't start...oh, and that tuition is due in a week. but i know how my parents reacted. thankfully, it was with grace.

i've seen them bend over backwards for their kids, family, and friends. my parents know how to give...and serve. i don't know of anyone who would say a bad word about them. they are beyond cool.

then again, i'm biased.

i've always been a daddy's girl. i love it when we're able to catch each other and talk. doesn't happen much now that i'm older and our schedules are totally different. but i sure do love talking to and hanging out with my daddy.

mom and i have always talked too. the older i've gotten, the better the conversation has become. i'm blessed to see her everyday at work...

...and that i can shop in her closet when i want something different to wear!

i wouldn't trade my parents for the world. they are two of the most amazing people i have ever met. watching them with each other is a treat. i'm excited to see what their future holds. between a wedding and all four of their kids being in their 20s, this year alone will be epic.

happy anniversary dad and mom. i love you guys and would be lost without you. thanks for all the advice, always listening to me, and still telling me to make my bed and take out the trash. it all means the world to me.

that's amore

thought: love is in the air...

or so, hallmark is trying to make people think it is. yes, it's that time of year ladies and gents... February 14th is seven days away.

but don't worry, this isn't a hate blog about valentine's day...nor is it a hint for anyone who reads my posts...just simply some observations.

personally, i think valentine's day is a sweet gesture. i mean, i know plenty of guys who forget about birthdays or anniversaries or other important dates. this one if hard to miss, however. stores are decked out in pink, red, and white hearts. the flower, candy, and card commercials are abundant as are the jewelry ones. the only way to miss it is if you're living under a rock.

let's face it, i'm a bit of a sap so i get into the whole flower, candy jewelry thing. there was a time when i thought ill of the whole thing, found it silly even. but the older i get, the more i really think it's sweet...even if it is a hallmark holiday. people want to know that they are loved, thought well of, and cared for. is that too much to ask? i think not.

have i ever had a valentine? nope. mom gets us a card every year and it lists all of the things she loves about us...i don't count that (love ya mom, but aren't you obligated to tell me how great i am??). i think, maybe, i'm holding out.

you know what's funny is that i'm listening to love songs while typing this. there is a cheesy smile on my face and i'm thinking back, remembering, seeing friends fall in love and find their forever

valentine. it was a very cool thing to witness.

love is one of my favorite topics to write about. the stories are abundant. they end sweetly...or not. they can be happy or sad. uplifting or outraging. predictiable or unpredictable. you never know really...and everyone has one. it's a universal thing that everyone, to some extent, can relate to. i think that's why i'm a fan of February 14th. it's a free, totally acceptable day to love people without question.

valentine's day can be celebrated with anyone you care for...not just that special, romantic relationship. i've spent several with friends, out at dinner, laughing up a storm...and those were the best. i was with people i really loved being with. eventually, i will have the rest of my life to be with my forever valentine. and, i'm sure, so will many of you who may happen to read this.

so, with all of this love in the air, make the most of it. if you have a special someone, let them know how much you care. if you don't, well, call your friends, strike up the band and have a ball. but for the skeptics, you may have a point, you know. this whole thing could be overrated...kind of like a kiss at the stroke of midnight for the new year.

or not. i'm a sap, remember.

whatever your situation, share the love. buy chocolates for yourself...buy flowers and give them to random people. it's a day of love. share it.

it got me

thought: no matter how hard you try, sometimes "it" wins

when i wrote last time, it was about fear. well, today, i let fear get the best of me. my attitude today was very different than it has been the past few days. i knew as soon as i woke up that i didn't want to fight it...so i let my guard down and gave in.

i felt like junk too.

defeated.

defeated is definitely how i felt.

but then i was reminded that i am loved. not only by people on earth but by Someone who knows every fiber of my being. there is a Creator who has a hand on all that i do. my Bible study is going through a book about myths that Christians often believe. the first one is that once you become a believer you're life is trial and tribulation free. our example was Joseph. think about it, guy was betrayed by his brothers...his family... then sold as a slave. He then picked up the pieces only to be falsely accused of rape and spent time in prison. He was there for a while, helped some people who forgot about him but ultimately he rose to a position of great power.

joseph never gave up on God. the bible never mentions anything about him questioning his circumstances. it seems like he just went along with it and was alright with his life.

i'm not so certain i could hold my composure like joseph did. actually, i know i couldn't. if you know me, you know that i often wear my emotions on my sleeve. what does that mean? if i'm happy you can tell. tired? written all over my face. mad? buddy, you better run. and if you can't tell, then allow me to recommend my optometrist. he's great.

seriously though, how joseph did what he did, i don't know. but i do know that the same person he clung to, had faith in, and didn't run from is with me as well. and, as funny as it sounds, i forget that sometimes. in the last post i said something about using the one i can't see to fight something i can't see. when my wits finally came to me, i did. i ran. things changed. i knew i would be fine. just had to put my heart and mind where they should have been in the first place.

so here i am, at the end of my day. not sure what tomorrow will bring but i am ready for it. i am ready for whatever will be thrown at me. i experienced some major fear and defeat today. but not tomorrow. tomorrow is a new day and i am going to approach it head on.

i can't be stopped.

God can't be stopped.