cha-cha-changes

i was looking at the blog today and decided i wanted to change it the way it looked. so i did. 


some of the posts may start with a "thought"; some may not. don't really know. guess it will depend on the topic. 


think i will also break into my archives and play with some stuff that i have kept locked in my numerous notebooks.


just some stuff to look forward to! 

two months is a long time

thought: where do you start when you have so much to say?


it's been nearly two months since i've written last. in that time, i have been on vacation, learned some things about myself, started reading a great new book, thought more about my favorite writing topic, decided to pick up a new hobby, taken a ride on a motorcycle, seen people get married, seen people break-up,  cleaned out my room and had a bug in my ear for 16 hours.


now you can see why i haven't had a chance to write. so much stuff going on. i will update soon, i promise. i have much to tell and many thoughts to get out of my head and onto some paper...or a webpage for you literal people.


the thing that probably gave me the most memories was my vacation. it was a lot of fun but the day leading to it and the drive to my destination were nerve wrecking. there are few times in my life where i can remember being that nervous...but i put on my brave face, flashed my big teeth, and everything turned out great. granted, i also had my most embarrassing moment while there. but it was kind of a good thing. gave me some confidence. i mean, i worried a few times after that about the impression i made. and, honestly, i still do. i had the privilege of meeting and staying with an amazing family. i wanted them to like me very much...hope i didn't "try" too hard to be myself and mess it up.


can't worry about that now though. 


there is a life to be lived. i have definitely lived the past two months. that, perhaps, is my greatest accomplishment of the past two months. i've done stuff i have never tried before. i have done some stuff that i was very uncomfortable doing as well. it all turned out alright. seriously, the beginning of my summer has been fabulous. 


i can't wait to see how the rest of it shapes up...

can't shake it

thought: ever had a thought that won't leave you alone?

i feel as if i'm supposed to write, but what, i don't know. i've had this thought the past 24 hours about holding your thoughts captive. my pastor mentioned it in church yesterday and it won't leave me. it's been ringing in the back of my mind: hold your thoughts captive. you can do it. take hold of them.

but i'm not sure what that means exactly.

dictionary.com: captive
noun:
1) a prisioner
2) a person who is enslaved or dominated; slave: He is the captive of his own fears.

oh snap. did they really just use that word...

fears

i don't deny that i'm scared of the dark or being home alone. or that i'm worried about my health. i will deny it, if you ask me, that i dwell on those thoughts.

but the truth is that i do. i let them get the best of me. i've written before about taking control over my fears and i try. but for some reason, they keep getting the best of me.

you know, i've grown up in a Christian household. i can quote the verses about not having a spirit of fear. my mom used to say them to me all the time. i told her a while back how much that meant to me and that i still quote them to myself.

the new series we're doing with the kids at church is called 10 for life. they are the top 10 verses every kid should know. as i was looking over the list, i realized that i'm familiar with pretty much all of them. some of them are ones we learn the first day of Sunday School (John 3:16). others are ones we learn to lean on when we get older/more mature (2 Chronicles 7:14).

do you know how cool it is to quote scripture?

while watching the royal wedding ( I know, I know, I'll let it go eventually!) there was a few times where portions of the Bible were read. without thinking about it, i started quoting along with the people reading. i didn't think anything about it until later. i actually knew what they were quoting and very naturally started saying it. just as if i were singing my favorite song. i didn't become proud but i was impressed with myself for knowing the verses.

a few days later, at small group, i was asked to look up a passage and read it for the group. without thinking and without hesitation, i quoted the passage while turning to it. i wasn't doing it to be proud or to show off but simply because the words came flowing out of my mouth as soon as i heard the reference. the group looked at me, slightly shocked, i think, and i suddenly became embarrassed. i didn't want to seem pompous or holier than thou. i couldn't stop myself from saying it.

how much Scripture do i know? i mean, i can tell you some stories from the Bible. and can list some themes that are mentioned. but when it comes down to straight-up passages, i wouldn't do so well.

if you gave me the reference and maybe the first few words of those 10 for life verses i would be able to quote some and paraphrase the rest. i don't "know" all of them per se.

and i think, that is my problem. i read my Bible and spend time with the Lord but when was the last time I actually hid the Word in my heart? i haven't committed scripture to memory since high school. (thanks to the following: Awanas, M'Pact/Missionettes, helping my brothers with JBQ/TBQ)

my thoughts are taken captive by things i worry about not by things that bring me joy. God brings me joy. He brings me peace. He is where my mind should be dwelling. the things of this world are temporary. the stuff i worry about is legitimate to a point but it won't last forever.

last time my mind was in this place, these words came to me. i knew i had to share them and i figure they are worth sharing again:

if He was with Daniel, Noah, and Jonah. if He gave sight to the blind and made the lame walk. if His eye is on the smallest of things, then i know that He is with me and i have nothing to fear.

i posted it on facebook. one of my aunts commented on the status. she use Scripture (of course!):

cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you.

she also reminded me that God is in control. it doesn't matter if i am dealing with fear or worry. He is there to hold me up.

(let me take a moment to brag about my family! aren't they amazing?? i am blessed!)

so i've figured that in addition to making people feel special (to read about that, click here) i am going to also start committing scripture to memory. i think that if i can memorize the words of the One who gives me joy and if they are continually in my mind, that will make a difference. i'm still going to continue to pray about this. i know that He wants to best for me and i'm pretty sure that includes my thoughts being about Him and not stuff that will eventually fade away. i want to shake this thing. 

i think i will start with the list we're giving the kids.

Proverbs 3:5-6

John 3:16

2 Chronicles 7:14

Isaiah 40:30-31

Joshua 1:9

Matthew 22:37-39

Philippians 4:13

Matthew 6:33

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

John 14:6

if you're reading this, i would encourage you to look up these verses. and, if you dare, memorize them. or write them down and put them somewhere you will see them often. 

i'm not sure what is taking you captive today, but i know Someone who has more in store for you than you will ever know. He wants to give you everything but can't if you hold yourself back. i know how hard it is to let Him in and give it up. i'm in the middle of it too. but i am also tired of not sleeping at  night because i'm worried about tomorrow. 

let tomorrow bring what it may. you have Someone on your side who loves you and is here to hold you up. grab on to His promises. cling to His words. commit them to memory. take control of your thoughts. you are more than a conquerer. 

princess? me?

thought: at some point in time, every girl wants to be a princess, for at least a day.


if you're reading this, it's either because you're an actual reader of the blog or because you saw me post this on facebook. no matter how you found it, chances are you know me personally. if not, then read a post or 2 and you will get a taste.


for those of you who know me, you know that in recent years i have undeniably become a hopeless romantic. i may not be the most hopelessly romantic person you know. but i love a good love story...a true love story. i have become, in recent years, quite a fan of hearing how people met. some of them are funny stories, other are filled with heartache. they all have happy endings though. i will sit down and cry at a chick flick. or get lost in a nicholas sparks novel (and yes, cry at the end of that too!).


another thing i also really enjoy doing is flipping through wedding magazines or watching something on tv about them. there is something about looking at the colors; picking out the dress, shoes, jewelry; tasting the cake; decorating the reception site and seeing people so crazy in love that i am drawn too.


it could be the storyteller in me. it could be the party/event planner part of my brain. and i'm not going to lie, i take notes. i have some ideas swirling around for my own wedding day.


most girls think about that day. some have it totally planned well before it happens.i seriously know girls who have notebooks already full of ideas. i don't have a notebook but i have some mental notes. 


one thing i know, is that no matter where i get married or the style of the dress, that one day will be my day to be a princess. as little girls running around playing dress up, we don old prom dresses, find something the be  a tiara and a scepter and we rule the world (namely our bedrooms!). then as we get older, the prom dresses are new, our hair gets done and we set out to rule prom night. somewhere between prom and getting married, we catch a glimpse of a wedding gown.


they are the gown to end all gowns.


we start to think about our wedding gown. what it will look like, how it will flow down the aisle, what shoes to  go with it. this day has got to blow all of the days out of the water. seriously. and while i know not every girl thinks specifically about their wedding day prior to being engaged, i am certain every girl has at one time or another dreamed about being a princess. maybe not princess for a lifetime, month, or even a year. but a day at least. and after the royal wedding of Kate Middleton and Prince William last friday (4/29/11) i am even more certain that being a princess is on the minds of girls everywhere. young and old.


i watched the royal wedding and all of the coverage before and after. it was an amazing thing to see. it blew every episode of my fair wedding out of the water. well, maybe not. i've seen some amazing things on that show. David Tutera is good at what he does. 


and he makes his brides feel like a princess.


i've spent so much time on this post that i've forgotten my original intent for writing it...


let's see...hopeless romantic...wedding tangent...all girls want to feel like princess...


oh yeah, i remember. 


being a princess means feeling special. the wedding day is an example. and so is playing dress up as a little girl. we do it to feel special...well, and because of the amazing clothes we couldn't normally get away with wearing. 


last week, someone made me feel pretty special. they sent me flowers. not just flowers. but roses. to me. at work. and there were a lot of them. i felt like a princess. i felt special. i blushed.


a lot. 


and i still do when i think about it. 


you never know what is going to make someones day. we all want to be appreciated and to feel special. i'm not so sure we do that enough to each other. sure, we do it on birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, and what not. but what about the rest of the time? i know i'm guilty of not showing enough appreciation to those i care the most about. feeling that way last week (and yes, i'll admit, it was my birthday) made me realize how good it felt to know that someone cared. it was a good feeling. a feeling i should pass along more often.


princess me? oh yes. 


making someone else feel the same way? my newest goal. 

I'm Still Here

thought: 25? really? i shouldn't be here.

the other day i wrote about slowing down and lessons i've learned in my 25 years. i'll admit, i'm not too crazy about the whole birthday thing anymore. in fact, i've been downright melancholy about my birthdays the last few years. i think, maybe, it's because somewhere along the way the whole birthday thing has lost its magic. i don't know when, but it did. i still love to celebrate other peoples birthdays and planning something great for them. but for me, i've began to see it as just another day.

last night, though, well it was actually this morning around 4am, i remembered that i do have a reason to celebrate.

you know how you hear those stories of people who shouldn't be alive? they went through some traumatic, life threatening experience and made it through. or how some people seem like all the odds are against them. yet, no matter what, they make a way and beat the odds.

i'm one of those people.

April 28th, 1986 at Whidbey General Hospital in Coupeville, WA is where it began. Mom was on her way there to give birth to her first child. I don't know the particulars of the pregnancy. But I do remember mom telling me once that she had a thing for pineapple pizza while she was carrying me. That explains why I love it so much.

I don't know how long mom was in labor. or even the time i was born. but i do know that i came into this world silent. and blue. and spotted.

i didn't breathe for the first few moments of my life. if you know me, you know that i definitely know how to make an entrance into a room. my entrance into the world wasn't much different. people knew i was coming, yes, but they didn't expect me to be silent about it.

a couple years ago, on my birthday, my grandma posted this on my wall:

I will never forget your grand entrance into the world.

You came fast, real fast, super fast. Or else your mom waited too long to get to the hospital.

The doctor smacked you, but you decided to hold your breath till you turned blue. The doctor threw you like a football to Glenda, the head nurse.

I'm praying in tongues, for 4 long minutes She massaged your heart, gave you her breath, I'm still praying, till you let out a scream . Then I'm HALLELUJAHING!!!!! Wiping my tears. We all were. The

room was full even Grandpa

after the initial scare, i was a fairly healthy baby. i weighed in at 8lbs 1oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. they say i was cute. and a mess.

i was cute. and i was a mess. but look at that picture again. notice my eye? when i was born, my eyes were focused inward. you could say i have a lazy eye. well, yes, you could call it that. but i prefer to say that my eyes work independently. i used webmd to find the correct names for what i have. i came up with Strabismus which leads to or can cause Amblyopia. both my eyes work. both my eyes see pretty well (i had 20/20 vision when i was 12!) but one is nearsighted and the other is farsighted.

i had two surgeries as an infant (like before the age of 2!) to fix the problem. the doctors went in and clipped the muscles next to the eyes to try and retract them, or pull them outward. according to the doctors, my surgeries were a success. my eyes pulled out but not too far out. and i can still see.

as a kid, growing up, i didn't notice it so much. i was always in and out of glasses and never really cared how i looked. getting into high school, however, i noticed it more and more. people always asked why i hid behind my glasses. i didn't think that i did. i had them my entire life so they were natural to me. and once i got my braces, they just seemed to fit with the long, lanky, gawky teen i was.

i did, eventually, go to contacts...after i had gained some self confidence. but one morning, while driving to work, i suddenly couldn't see. i thought my contact was in wrong. i took it out while i was in the car. (what? i had gotten good at being able to take them out with one hand!) and i dropped it! when i got to work, i took the other one out too. it was bothering me a bit as well. i knew i would be able to make it through the day without my contacts in, plus it was about time to change them. so no worries in tossing them. i would put my glasses on later.

later never came. in fact, i went all day without anything. i was fine. i realized it the next morning. so, i decided to go that entire day without my glasses. i made it most of the day. soon after that, i noticed that my eyes looked "normal".

why normal in quotations?

remember the picture? my eyes looked like that my entire life. they only time they looked "normal" was when they were dilated at the doctor's office. normal for me is not normal for the rest of the world. something was happening to my eyes. i was a few months away from 23 and i looked, well, normal.

i didn't know how to take it. then it dawned on me. after years and years of prayer, my eyes were Healed.

i was elated. nothing like that had ever happened to me before...that i remembered. i heard the stories of my birth and of those times when i had seizures but i didn't remember them. i do remember this.

and i remember that no matter how bummed or melancholy i want to be on my birthdays that i can't be that way. i wasn't created to be that way. i shouldn't have made it past the first 5 minutes of my life. probably even though my toddler years. (i didn't go into the seizure and other not breathing stories. i don't know them as well!). and if i did make it, i could have grown into a non-confident girl who let her eye problem hold her back and played a victim.

but i didn't.

i wasn't wired that way. yes, there may be some circuits that aren't quite right. but Someone made me the exact way He wanted me. and He decided that i am on this earth for a reason. that alone is enough to make me want to celebrate.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

you formed me in my mother's womb.

I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

before I'd even lived one day

-Psalm 139:13-16 the message

caution, slow moving 20something ahead

thought: For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. ~Lily Tomlin

my 25th birthday is coming up. usually, i am super stoked about birthdays. mainly ones that belong to other people. i've always been real excited about mine too, but this year, for some reason, i'm not. for the first time in a while, i'm not planning a shindig or dinner with friends. to those who know me, it probably seems like i don't care about my birthday this year. i mean, it's 25. that should be a big one. right? it seems like it is one of those magic numbers. you know what the magic numbers are, don't ya?

5, 10, 13, 16, 20, 21, 25, 30, 40, 50

they are the milestone numbers. or so we are taught. i mean, i will now be able to rent a car without any extra fees and i am pretty sure my insurance rate is going to go down...but other than that, what else is there to look forward to? i will be 30 in just 5 years. so i guess that count down can begin?

i suppose you could say i have been in a reflective mood this year. the last few years, i have been discovering who i am as a woman, daughter, friend, sister, employee, and Christian. i've learned a lot and been through a lot. life has given me plenty of experiences to draw from. if i tried, i'm sure i could go back a few years and list some of the major things that happened. i could write out the situation, how i reacted, what the outcome was, and what i learned. some of the things would be significant. in others, you would have to look for the significance.

but going into my 25th year of life, there are some definite things i learned from years 21-24. the one that is on my mind right now is to slow down.

slow down and think about life.

slow down and enjoy the little things.

slow down and live your life. don't let life live you.

slow down and spend time with those you love.

slow down and take time for yourself.

slow down and spend time listening to God.

slow down and just listen to people.

i'm known for having a fast paced life. i love it, i really do. everyone knows i wouldn't trade it for anything. but, i have learned the importance of slowing down and taking care of myself. i cannot run 110% when i'm only 60% ready. slowing down hasn't been an easy thing for me. but, when i force myself to do it, i really actually enjoy it.

a couple of weekends ago, i went to the redbox grabbed 4 dvds. 3 i had intended on seeing in the theater and 1 i did see in the theater only because a friend made me go. for an entire day and night, i was parked in front of the tv. i moved a few times. other than that, i was under a blanket not doing a thing. after i got over the feeling of being completely lazy, it really felt nice. my body needed the down time.

i'm not sure how many of those days i can handle. but i'm sure i can think of other relaxing things to do that are a little more involved. (like, you know, laying on the beach)

i fully intend for the rest of my 20s to be spent living my life to the fullest and doing new and exciting things. however, don't be surprised if you hear i took a day and didn't do a thing. or if i put my phone on silent and disappear from social media for a day or two. i'm not able to be the best i can possibly be if i don't stop to make sure i'm well. or that my heart and head are in the right place.

i need to slow down in order to speed up.

writers block

thought: work brain work

i've had some severe writer's block. the idea for my previous post started on February 22nd. I edited it on February 28th. Then went back and did some more editing today and posted it 3 minutes ago. (Yeah, I know the post date says 2/28. I wanted to make myself look good. haha)

For some reason, I haven't been able to write lately. I don't know if it is because there is so much going on or if i lose the ideas as soon as i get them. i have no clue. i had an idea for another post but i just couldn't get the idea off the ground so i deleted it. i shoulda posted it. now i don't even remember what it was!

oh well. i guess it's good to get a case like this every now and then. i'm sure it means that my next idea is going to be one of my best...or maybe it means that i need to work some rough ideas out in public and see where they go...i have no clue...

i do know, however, that warm weather is on it's way and spring is coming soon. that excites me. it means that my adventurous, spontaneous self will be itching to go for some weekend road trips/day trips. that means that am sure to get some writing ideas. who knows, maybe i will branch out and throw some short stories in here and there. (never done that before...kinda makes me nervous, but maybe it's time to branch out??)

who knows! i am certain that more entertaining posts will come. right now i'm in a lull and i ask you to forgive me for that!

until next time...