disgusted

thought: simply put, i just don't care.

in my last post, i wrote about motivation...or more my lack of motivation. i am at the end of school and i don't care. i have been in school since i was 4 years old...almost 20 years later i'm still in. i am ready to be done.

i don't care if i flunk my classes...i'm still going to graduate. so what if i don't have a minor. i may go back in a few years to get a second degree anyway.

what's sad is that i am sure one day i will look back and wish i cared more. seriously though, i pushed my self all through college and now i am tired. all i have to do is one research project that i should have started a month ago and 3 finals. i could care less about the project.

i have never felt like this before. i'm disgusted with myself. but i don't mind that so much either. i am numb right now. my body hurts. my mind is frustrated. room is a wreck. i can't think. i really just want to cry. throw my hands up and cry. i just don't care and i'm making myself sick. i have never felt like this before. normally i can kick out a project in a few nights and it's decent. and i'm motivated. with this, i could care less...

...and that scares me. what's happened to me? where is my ambition and drive? i've let other things take over who i am...things that have probably been keeping me sane with how busy i am. but right now, in this moment, i just want to curl up and sleep. don't want to leave the house or look at any more books, websites, or databases. i'm done.

do i really want a second degree? yes. i do.

there is my drive and ambition.

that's also why i'm taking time off between now and then. to make sure i really want to do that.

but what about right now? right now, i want to sleep, get a massage, ride my bike, or dance. not read. i want to be active but my body says no and my mind is trying to focus on research.

yet everything in me wants to throw it all away and give up. because there is something in me that doesn't care at all about this.

this is really gross. i never would have thought i would have this feeling. it's the worst ever.