It's Getting Close!

thought: where did it go?

It's getting close to the end of the year. It's really hard to believe that Thanksgiving was yesterday! What happened to the year? Seriously!

I was thinking that since Christmas lights and trees are up, that now is as good time as any to write my end of the year blog. Granted, I know that there is still one more month left in 2010. But if something big happens, don't worry, I will write about it.

The past few years have been growing years for me. By that, I mean I've been growing up, maturing. They say that is what happens as you get older. Never thought it would actually happen though. As a kid, I didn't think about those things. Then again, as a child, I was the one who was 5 going on 17...10 going on 20. I didn't need to think about growing up because I already was "mature". HA. Oh how things change!

2010 taught me a lot about life, just like the past few years, but it also taught me about love, the power of friendship, broken hearts, and, of course, myself.

I've always been told that love is more than a feeling or the pizza you ate last night. It is a decision. A choice. I've made the decision to love my family and friends. I love my job and where my life is and has been this year. But there is a whole different aspect of love that I know nothing about...well, that's not true. In January 2010, I didn't know anything about it. Right now, in November, I know a little more. It's still not 100% but I don't think you can really know about this type of love until you're experiencing it. So, what am I talking about?

Being single and having single friends, I see people go in and out of relationships all the time. It's a hit or miss game. We're all trying, one way or another, to find the one. When we think we have found this person, we go all out. We slowly make the decision to love this person. It starts small at first and I don't think you realize what's happening. But when you do, it's like a wave rushing over you. You want to make the other person happy. You laugh when their annoying habits start becoming cute. You begin to live and breathe for that person....I think. I don't even know. Like I said, you don't really know until you're in it. I can write about what I see in people who are in love but without experiencing it, I can't fully put it into the correct words.

Still though, I saw people make the decision to love someone. It could be argued that I was on the way of making that decision. Maybe not at the same depth as other people I know, but in retrospect, it was still there. I would say that making the decision to love someone was probably easier than I thought. There wasn't an "ah-ha" moment. I found that I didn't have to change myself to fit in with them. The fact that I was me was enough.

Then again, the fact that I was myself also brought on a lot of doubt when heartbreak kicks in. It isn't easy saying goodbye to someone. You begin to think that there is some major flaw in yourself. You wonder what is suddenly wrong with you that makes someone walk away.

Heartbreak happened a lot in 2010. It happened to me, to friends, it seemed like it was everywhere. Not everyone goes through it the same way. Some people just need to talk it out, others lock themselves in their rooms. Others need to get out and live their lives.

My thought is why dwell on what is in the past? Definitely learn from it. Definitely take something away from it. But, you can't change it. So why live there? Moving on doesn't mean you forget the heartache or the memories. It means that you pick up the pieces, go back to the starting line, and take off again. Usually, there is something new to be discovered about yourself in this time. But when you live in self-pity, you aren't able to find that.

And this is where the friendships come in. Friends are there before the relationships. They are there during. And they are definitely there after. Friends are the ones who let you cry when your heart hurts. They are the ones who make you go out when you don't want to.

This year, we have laughed, cried, been mad at each other. Spent too much time together, spent not enough. Sent countless texts. Misunderstood countless texts Gone shopping. Gone to concerts. Gone on road trips. Been to the mountains, beach, and everywhere in between. If it could be done, my friends and I did it. Life was experienced in a great way this past year. I could have done some of this stuff this year without friends. But they definitely made this year more memorable.

Learning more about my character was definitely the most memorable thing of 2010. I've written a lot about this journey. It seems to be a very common theme in my blogs. But it is something I can't get away from.

At the beginning of the year, I knew that a change was coming for me. I just had no idea what. I'm still not certain if it has happened yet. But there were a few things in life that did change for me. I was thrust into new situations and had to learn how to handle myself in them. Everything I was involved with, though, made an impact how I live though.

One of the biggest things that happened this year was that I became more transparent. It's not that I had a wall up before or that I was wearing a mask. But, I had this impression that people assumed or needed me to be a strong person with no hardships whatsoever. I thought people always thought I woke up on the right side of the bed and that nothing ever goes wrong for me. My life is fairly simple. Things are generally really fantastic and bad days are few and far between. My attitude is bright and bubbly and I'm the life of the party...why and when would I ever have a bad day?

I realized the problem was that I had placed myself on a pedestal for other people. I set the expectations for myself very high. It's been a life long thing. What I learned, however, is that it is okay to have bad days. That it's alright for people to know that I do wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I don't have to have on a happy face all the time. There are times when that is really hard to do. As long as I don't dwell in the sucky attitude, I'm okay.

Another defining moment came in August. In mid-August, my great-grandmother passed away. It wasn't a surprise to the family. We'd known it was coming for sometime. The last time I saw her was in 2007. We shared a very special moment together...and I knew it would be the last time I would see her alive. Mom and I flew to Washington the last week of August for the memorial. That is where the defining moment happened...

...Okay, so it was more like a defining week.

I got there Friday morning. The memorial was Saturday afternoon and the rest of the week was spent with family. You learn a lot about yourself when you're with family. There are traits every family has. Each family has their own sense of humor, way they handle crisis, and the way they celebrate big and small events. I learned a lot about where I came from and what I was made of. It's very different being around your family as an adult. Especially when you don't see them all the time. Again, I had this expectation for myself. I thought I had to be the same person I was as a child. She was an amazing girl. I love her. But I wouldn't ever want to go back. If you could compare adolescent April with adult April, you would see the same girl in many aspects. But a grown up version in many other ways. And for that, I'm thankful. Hanging out with family for a week will show you that. They don't hold anything back. If there was ever a time when I got told how good I looked, how mature I acted, how much of a goof I still am, it was that week.

I laughed and cried that week. Cracked jokes and cooked food. Went shopping and watched tv. I came home with a sense of who I am. A sense of confidence. And a sense of style. No, really, I bought some amazing clothes that week. I think I finally figured out how to dress! (If you've ever lived with me, been on vacation with me, or been around when I'm getting ready to go someplace you know how funny this is. For those of you who haven't, I will let you know that I change at least 8 different times because I have no clue what looks decent!)

Point being, that week cemented who I've become this year. There is still work to be done and I look forward to seeing what it brings. But for right now, in November 2010, I have never been happier with who I am. I don't know if people have noticed the change this year...but I have...I am definitely leaving 2010 with a new sense of confidence.

I've been writing this for almost 3 hours now. I'm still not sold I got across what I was trying to say about love and heartbreak...then writing about myself...good grief. That's nerve wracking. Still trying to get a grasp on this being transparent thing...

Here are a few other things that happened this year...
January - Began teaching ESL until May
February - It snowed...a lot.
March - Bought my first car!!! Went from a Cherokee with over 200,000 miles on it to a Kia with 13,000miles
April - I turned 24 and the countdown to 25 began.
May - My little brother graduated high school
June/July - Had back-to-back ministry with Camp Allelu, VBS, and Kids Camp
August - Washington Trip
September - 2 year anniversary at Calvary
October - I got side bangs and died them pink for breast cancer awareness month
November - My sister got engaged!
December - Well, we will see when we get there....

I always look forward to what a new year will hold. I think 2011 is going to be a great one. The calendar is already pretty full!!!

If you've stayed with me thus far, thanks. It's midnight, my stomach is talking to me, and I'm really nervous that this rambling will seem just that....like a rambling. Maybe I'll be better at not rambling in 2011.

HA!

stripped

thought: take it off

tonight, yet again, i had someone think i was 19 or 20. i'm totally okay with that. i have good genes and am thankful for them. but it got me thinking about looks, make-up, and changing appearances.

i'm getting closer to my mid-20s and am taking better care of my skin. wear sunscreen when i'm at the beach and it's even in my moisturizer i wear every day. great step in protecting my face. i wear make-up...most days. when it's on thicker, heavier, and more noticeable, those are the days i look my age...or so people say. but i really think that it doesn't have to do with how much (or little) make-up i have on that gives away my age....

...i'm fairly certain it has to do with how much confidence i have. and this too, got me thinking. you see, while reading about the top 100 hottest single stars the other day (don't hate. it's mind numbing) it dawned on me that the average age of the stars is, well, my age. it also occurred to me that a good portion of these people have had something done to alter their appearance. i mean, i dye my hair. the color has changed a few times this year. but how much has it changed my appearance? you always know it's me. seriously, think about Heidi Montag. prior to going under the knife, she was actually pretty cute. post knife she looks totally different. she had all the crap done and now at 24, she is like a younger Joan Rivers. who wants that?

so where am i going with all this?

chill out with the make-up, botox, plastic surgery...and even the hair dye. if they make you happy, then go for it. be happy. but if they change who you are, who you were meant to be, how you look, is it worth it? try taking a step back, maybe even go a day (or 2!) without make-up. or at least, go out wearing a little foundation, powder, and some brown mascara.

i don't plan on trying to make myself look older or different just because people think i'm 20. hopefully when i'm 40, they will think i'm 30. like i said, i'm totally okay with that. seriously though, if people don't watch out, they're going to look like this guy...who wants that? not this girl!

memories

thought: memories and photos do wonders

last time i wrote, my great-grandmother had been dead for 10 days and in 7 days i would be at her memorial service. she was an amazing woman, anyone who met her would agree. she meant a lot to many. the church was filled with people who shared stories about her life, her character and her impact.

here's mine:

it was Christmas 2007 and i was 21 years old. we were at mom's cousin's house. 2 of mom's siblings were there, her parents, aunts and uncles. the house was full...and things were chaotic in the living room. between the Wii, nerf guns, and games of tag the living room was a happening place. Gram made her way in there, how no one remembers, but she did. She planted herself on the couch and watched us. I saw an opportunity to have a moment with her. i'm named after her. my middle name is her first name and i also inherited her nickname. somehow i knew that this would be the last time i saw her alive. we sat on the couch, i protected her from some flying nerf darts and we had this conversation:

Gram: how old are you?

Me: 21.

Gram: do you have a boyfriend?

Me: (thinking: I saw this coming! I know where it's going) Nope.

Gram: Good. You're young, you don't need one. Don't do what I did. Go live your life. You have a long time to be married. Do things while you're young.

just like that the moment was over. I actually have a picture of us sitting on the couch where we talked. it was taken just before our conversation. i cried myself to sleep that night. it was the last memory i have of her and definitely the best one.

i figured that since i was going to travel 3,000+ miles for a memorial i would take some time to spend with family i never see. so i stayed for a week. so many memories were made. jokes that will last a lifetime are forever etched into my mind. when i see the pictures i laugh, cry, and think about my time spent "back home".

we were able to go to the house where my grandparents lived when i was born. i spent my infant and toddler years in this house. i see pictures and remember things that happened there...but driving down the road, seeing the house...and walking through the house (the owners remembered my grandparents and let us go inside!) brought it all back. again, we laughed, cried and took pictures. there is one picture of my aunts, mom, and myself from Christmas of 1986. we were next to the Charlie Brown Tree (called that because it was barely decorated and the ornaments were only on the top half of the tree. apparently I liked to pull them off!) in the living room. as soon as we all walked back into that room we went to the spot where the tree was, lined up how we were in the picture and took another one. why? because it was a good memory. who would get the chance to be in the same room from 24 years earlier with the same people? we seized the moment.

in fact, we seized several moments. pictures were taken left and right. jokes were always being made. serious conversations were being had. it was the first time i had been around family and felt like an adult. (compared to when i was there in 2001) things were different between me and my family. having the pictures and still laughing at the jokes are things to hold dear from that trip. it was really cool cooking in the kitchen with my grandma and actually wanting to be in there so i could learn a thing or two. i loved sitting on the couch laughing about nothing with my aunts...or sitting across from one of them in my pj's filling her in on my dating life and getting advice. there was definitely something special when i thought my grandpa was going to arrange a marriage for me. my favorite moment though? does an entire day spent in the downtown of my favorite city count? i was able to see my favorite sports team...do some killer shopping...earn a fantastic nickname...and laugh with 3 of the most amazing women in my life. it's something i'll treasure for a long time.

my memory bank is far from full...yet it is far from empty. every day is filled with moments that can be treasured for a lifetime. it doesn't have to take a special trip across the country to make something special. i carry a camera around to snap pictures of the everyday, not so epic moments. those are the ones that stop us in our tracks and make us realize what life is about. some of my favorite family photos are the ones where we're in the loft sprawled on the couch watching tv or playing video games. that is what my family does. it's who we are. those moments are just as important as the big ones at holidays or birthdays.

try to remember the smaller, every day moments. they just may hold something special.