It's Getting Close!

thought: where did it go?

It's getting close to the end of the year. It's really hard to believe that Thanksgiving was yesterday! What happened to the year? Seriously!

I was thinking that since Christmas lights and trees are up, that now is as good time as any to write my end of the year blog. Granted, I know that there is still one more month left in 2010. But if something big happens, don't worry, I will write about it.

The past few years have been growing years for me. By that, I mean I've been growing up, maturing. They say that is what happens as you get older. Never thought it would actually happen though. As a kid, I didn't think about those things. Then again, as a child, I was the one who was 5 going on 17...10 going on 20. I didn't need to think about growing up because I already was "mature". HA. Oh how things change!

2010 taught me a lot about life, just like the past few years, but it also taught me about love, the power of friendship, broken hearts, and, of course, myself.

I've always been told that love is more than a feeling or the pizza you ate last night. It is a decision. A choice. I've made the decision to love my family and friends. I love my job and where my life is and has been this year. But there is a whole different aspect of love that I know nothing about...well, that's not true. In January 2010, I didn't know anything about it. Right now, in November, I know a little more. It's still not 100% but I don't think you can really know about this type of love until you're experiencing it. So, what am I talking about?

Being single and having single friends, I see people go in and out of relationships all the time. It's a hit or miss game. We're all trying, one way or another, to find the one. When we think we have found this person, we go all out. We slowly make the decision to love this person. It starts small at first and I don't think you realize what's happening. But when you do, it's like a wave rushing over you. You want to make the other person happy. You laugh when their annoying habits start becoming cute. You begin to live and breathe for that person....I think. I don't even know. Like I said, you don't really know until you're in it. I can write about what I see in people who are in love but without experiencing it, I can't fully put it into the correct words.

Still though, I saw people make the decision to love someone. It could be argued that I was on the way of making that decision. Maybe not at the same depth as other people I know, but in retrospect, it was still there. I would say that making the decision to love someone was probably easier than I thought. There wasn't an "ah-ha" moment. I found that I didn't have to change myself to fit in with them. The fact that I was me was enough.

Then again, the fact that I was myself also brought on a lot of doubt when heartbreak kicks in. It isn't easy saying goodbye to someone. You begin to think that there is some major flaw in yourself. You wonder what is suddenly wrong with you that makes someone walk away.

Heartbreak happened a lot in 2010. It happened to me, to friends, it seemed like it was everywhere. Not everyone goes through it the same way. Some people just need to talk it out, others lock themselves in their rooms. Others need to get out and live their lives.

My thought is why dwell on what is in the past? Definitely learn from it. Definitely take something away from it. But, you can't change it. So why live there? Moving on doesn't mean you forget the heartache or the memories. It means that you pick up the pieces, go back to the starting line, and take off again. Usually, there is something new to be discovered about yourself in this time. But when you live in self-pity, you aren't able to find that.

And this is where the friendships come in. Friends are there before the relationships. They are there during. And they are definitely there after. Friends are the ones who let you cry when your heart hurts. They are the ones who make you go out when you don't want to.

This year, we have laughed, cried, been mad at each other. Spent too much time together, spent not enough. Sent countless texts. Misunderstood countless texts Gone shopping. Gone to concerts. Gone on road trips. Been to the mountains, beach, and everywhere in between. If it could be done, my friends and I did it. Life was experienced in a great way this past year. I could have done some of this stuff this year without friends. But they definitely made this year more memorable.

Learning more about my character was definitely the most memorable thing of 2010. I've written a lot about this journey. It seems to be a very common theme in my blogs. But it is something I can't get away from.

At the beginning of the year, I knew that a change was coming for me. I just had no idea what. I'm still not certain if it has happened yet. But there were a few things in life that did change for me. I was thrust into new situations and had to learn how to handle myself in them. Everything I was involved with, though, made an impact how I live though.

One of the biggest things that happened this year was that I became more transparent. It's not that I had a wall up before or that I was wearing a mask. But, I had this impression that people assumed or needed me to be a strong person with no hardships whatsoever. I thought people always thought I woke up on the right side of the bed and that nothing ever goes wrong for me. My life is fairly simple. Things are generally really fantastic and bad days are few and far between. My attitude is bright and bubbly and I'm the life of the party...why and when would I ever have a bad day?

I realized the problem was that I had placed myself on a pedestal for other people. I set the expectations for myself very high. It's been a life long thing. What I learned, however, is that it is okay to have bad days. That it's alright for people to know that I do wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I don't have to have on a happy face all the time. There are times when that is really hard to do. As long as I don't dwell in the sucky attitude, I'm okay.

Another defining moment came in August. In mid-August, my great-grandmother passed away. It wasn't a surprise to the family. We'd known it was coming for sometime. The last time I saw her was in 2007. We shared a very special moment together...and I knew it would be the last time I would see her alive. Mom and I flew to Washington the last week of August for the memorial. That is where the defining moment happened...

...Okay, so it was more like a defining week.

I got there Friday morning. The memorial was Saturday afternoon and the rest of the week was spent with family. You learn a lot about yourself when you're with family. There are traits every family has. Each family has their own sense of humor, way they handle crisis, and the way they celebrate big and small events. I learned a lot about where I came from and what I was made of. It's very different being around your family as an adult. Especially when you don't see them all the time. Again, I had this expectation for myself. I thought I had to be the same person I was as a child. She was an amazing girl. I love her. But I wouldn't ever want to go back. If you could compare adolescent April with adult April, you would see the same girl in many aspects. But a grown up version in many other ways. And for that, I'm thankful. Hanging out with family for a week will show you that. They don't hold anything back. If there was ever a time when I got told how good I looked, how mature I acted, how much of a goof I still am, it was that week.

I laughed and cried that week. Cracked jokes and cooked food. Went shopping and watched tv. I came home with a sense of who I am. A sense of confidence. And a sense of style. No, really, I bought some amazing clothes that week. I think I finally figured out how to dress! (If you've ever lived with me, been on vacation with me, or been around when I'm getting ready to go someplace you know how funny this is. For those of you who haven't, I will let you know that I change at least 8 different times because I have no clue what looks decent!)

Point being, that week cemented who I've become this year. There is still work to be done and I look forward to seeing what it brings. But for right now, in November 2010, I have never been happier with who I am. I don't know if people have noticed the change this year...but I have...I am definitely leaving 2010 with a new sense of confidence.

I've been writing this for almost 3 hours now. I'm still not sold I got across what I was trying to say about love and heartbreak...then writing about myself...good grief. That's nerve wracking. Still trying to get a grasp on this being transparent thing...

Here are a few other things that happened this year...
January - Began teaching ESL until May
February - It snowed...a lot.
March - Bought my first car!!! Went from a Cherokee with over 200,000 miles on it to a Kia with 13,000miles
April - I turned 24 and the countdown to 25 began.
May - My little brother graduated high school
June/July - Had back-to-back ministry with Camp Allelu, VBS, and Kids Camp
August - Washington Trip
September - 2 year anniversary at Calvary
October - I got side bangs and died them pink for breast cancer awareness month
November - My sister got engaged!
December - Well, we will see when we get there....

I always look forward to what a new year will hold. I think 2011 is going to be a great one. The calendar is already pretty full!!!

If you've stayed with me thus far, thanks. It's midnight, my stomach is talking to me, and I'm really nervous that this rambling will seem just that....like a rambling. Maybe I'll be better at not rambling in 2011.

HA!