it got me

thought: no matter how hard you try, sometimes "it" wins

when i wrote last time, it was about fear. well, today, i let fear get the best of me. my attitude today was very different than it has been the past few days. i knew as soon as i woke up that i didn't want to fight it...so i let my guard down and gave in.

i felt like junk too.

defeated.

defeated is definitely how i felt.

but then i was reminded that i am loved. not only by people on earth but by Someone who knows every fiber of my being. there is a Creator who has a hand on all that i do. my Bible study is going through a book about myths that Christians often believe. the first one is that once you become a believer you're life is trial and tribulation free. our example was Joseph. think about it, guy was betrayed by his brothers...his family... then sold as a slave. He then picked up the pieces only to be falsely accused of rape and spent time in prison. He was there for a while, helped some people who forgot about him but ultimately he rose to a position of great power.

joseph never gave up on God. the bible never mentions anything about him questioning his circumstances. it seems like he just went along with it and was alright with his life.

i'm not so certain i could hold my composure like joseph did. actually, i know i couldn't. if you know me, you know that i often wear my emotions on my sleeve. what does that mean? if i'm happy you can tell. tired? written all over my face. mad? buddy, you better run. and if you can't tell, then allow me to recommend my optometrist. he's great.

seriously though, how joseph did what he did, i don't know. but i do know that the same person he clung to, had faith in, and didn't run from is with me as well. and, as funny as it sounds, i forget that sometimes. in the last post i said something about using the one i can't see to fight something i can't see. when my wits finally came to me, i did. i ran. things changed. i knew i would be fine. just had to put my heart and mind where they should have been in the first place.

so here i am, at the end of my day. not sure what tomorrow will bring but i am ready for it. i am ready for whatever will be thrown at me. i experienced some major fear and defeat today. but not tomorrow. tomorrow is a new day and i am going to approach it head on.

i can't be stopped.

God can't be stopped.

fear

thought: what is there to be afraid of?

i have always had a fear of heights. as long as i could remember, i've been afraid of being up in the air. not quite sure where it stems from and it has gotten better...but boy oh boy has it gotten the best of me.

we were planning a family trip to disneyland. i said i wasn't going to go because i didn't want to fly.

going to the top of the space needle, i cried. (i also thought my parents actually believed me that time and were going to leave me at the bottom by myself...which made me cry too! they didn't, by the way. i heard dad say 2 adult and 3 children's tickets. turns out, children under 5 were free.)

this fear has deprived me of some really cool things. like not looking out the view of a light house because i didn't want to climb to the top.

it has taught me things too...i did some high ropes courses and showed myself it was possible to complete it without breaking down.

i used to not ride roller coasters. i love them now.

i also love to fly.

what changed? not much, i don't think. i shudder thinking about climbing a ladder and don't like working on a catwalk (not the runway, model kind). i know i am safe, but i still have this irrational fear.

maybe, what has changed is my perspective on fear. maybe, i have experienced things that can really hold people captive to the fear. i'm not saying my fear of heights is anything less than it is or was. it was a very real thing. but i have learned to manage it. notice i said "manage" not "deal". those are two different things.

as i have gotten older, i have faced uncertainty in various areas. the "normal" things someone my age would face, i suppose. but what about the not so normal? one could say i have faced some not so normal things for someone at my stage in life. is it okay to be afraid of those things?

i have tried not to let that fear grip me. i have tried not to let my circumstances take over and hold me back. i think i have begun to live more if anything. or have tried, at least.

reading all of my past posts, one could make the argument that i have lived. i'm fairly honest in the posts...paint a good picture, i think. though, and i said this to someone earlier, that i am vague when i write as well. i covered the topic of transparency before...and there are some posts where it is quite obvious what i am writing about. but for the most part, i try to keep it neutral. that way it appeals to anyone...and i am able to get the idea off my chest.

have i been to neutral though? or have i been to descriptive? what if i have described things so vividly that i have attracted some unwanted attention? what if said unwanted attention is a computer wiz and can figure out my ISP address and find me.

thats a legit fear...which i never really thought about before...but, it probably stemmed from watching bits and pieces of the bodyguard last week. Whitney's character had a stalker. hence the reason she needed a bodyguard. (anyone want to be my Kevin Costner?)

will it make me delete the blog? no. i'm not too concerned about that. being a verbal person, blogging is a good thing for me. and if someone stumbles on this blog and gets some benefit from it, then, as a writer, i've done my job.

but back to the fear thing...dude, i have experienced some heavy stuff. some scary stuff. i've learned, however, that the only way through it is Faith. why not use something you cannot see to defeat something you cannot see?

having fantastic support helps as well. but, people can tell you all the right things all day long and if you don't believe them what good is it? going up those high ropes courses, people encouraged me. it was nice, but honestly, it didn't do much. if i didn't want to climb that tree and jump off i wasn't going to. you can tell me "you go girl" "it's easy, just move your feet" or "it's not that bad" all day long, but if i don't want to move, people, i ain't movin'.

stubborn? yes. determined not to live my life in fear? definitely.

so as i learn to face new fears in life, i keep in mind that i really have no reason to be afraid. i have a safe harbor that i can stay in. if i shift my perspective and look at it the way He looks at it, then i can overcome it.

i don't want to live my fear's life. i want to live my life.

song of the year

thought: i think i found my song of the year!

Christmas has come and gone.

The new year was brought in.

And now, I learn today that 5% of this year is already over.

Crazy.

"crazy" is actually a good word to describe the year thus far. i have been up and i have been down. i have spent hours laughing and hours crying. i have seen a bright future and i have seen a dismal one.

so what does all of that have to do with my song of the year? and how can i be so sure i have found it so soon? usually, my song of the year hits me in July...this year, i found it on January 16th. i heard it on 3 different radio stations in about 3 hours. it was nuts. i mean, every time i hear this song i get pumped. i laugh. i sing. i dance. it's fun...

..and totally cheesy. it's one of those songs that people hear the first line and then belt out the next line.

yes, i'm talking about the 1981 hit "Don't Stop Believin'"!

...i can almost hear the laughter and feel the judgement of people reading this now. i think it's kind of funny, actually.

if you look at the anthem of the song, it talks about pushing on. and with the start my 2011 has had, that is exactly what i am going to do. i'm not going to stop believing. i'm not going to lose heart. not going to lose faith.

besides, it really is fun to dance to.

Don't Stop!