i have always had a fear of heights. as long as i could remember, i've been afraid of being up in the air. not quite sure where it stems from and it has gotten better...but boy oh boy has it gotten the best of me.
we were planning a family trip to disneyland. i said i wasn't going to go because i didn't want to fly.
going to the top of the space needle, i cried. (i also thought my parents actually believed me that time and were going to leave me at the bottom by myself...which made me cry too! they didn't, by the way. i heard dad say 2 adult and 3 children's tickets. turns out, children under 5 were free.)
this fear has deprived me of some really cool things. like not looking out the view of a light house because i didn't want to climb to the top.
it has taught me things too...i did some high ropes courses and showed myself it was possible to complete it without breaking down.
i used to not ride roller coasters. i love them now.
i also love to fly.
what changed? not much, i don't think. i shudder thinking about climbing a ladder and don't like working on a catwalk (not the runway, model kind). i know i am safe, but i still have this irrational fear.
maybe, what has changed is my perspective on fear. maybe, i have experienced things that can really hold people captive to the fear. i'm not saying my fear of heights is anything less than it is or was. it was a very real thing. but i have learned to manage it. notice i said "manage" not "deal". those are two different things.
as i have gotten older, i have faced uncertainty in various areas. the "normal" things someone my age would face, i suppose. but what about the not so normal? one could say i have faced some not so normal things for someone at my stage in life. is it okay to be afraid of those things?
i have tried not to let that fear grip me. i have tried not to let my circumstances take over and hold me back. i think i have begun to live more if anything. or have tried, at least.
reading all of my past posts, one could make the argument that i have lived. i'm fairly honest in the posts...paint a good picture, i think. though, and i said this to someone earlier, that i am vague when i write as well. i covered the topic of transparency before...and there are some posts where it is quite obvious what i am writing about. but for the most part, i try to keep it neutral. that way it appeals to anyone...and i am able to get the idea off my chest.
have i been to neutral though? or have i been to descriptive? what if i have described things so vividly that i have attracted some unwanted attention? what if said unwanted attention is a computer wiz and can figure out my ISP address and find me.
thats a legit fear...which i never really thought about before...but, it probably stemmed from watching bits and pieces of the bodyguard last week. Whitney's character had a stalker. hence the reason she needed a bodyguard. (anyone want to be my Kevin Costner?)
will it make me delete the blog? no. i'm not too concerned about that. being a verbal person, blogging is a good thing for me. and if someone stumbles on this blog and gets some benefit from it, then, as a writer, i've done my job.
but back to the fear thing...dude, i have experienced some heavy stuff. some scary stuff. i've learned, however, that the only way through it is Faith. why not use something you cannot see to defeat something you cannot see?
having fantastic support helps as well. but, people can tell you all the right things all day long and if you don't believe them what good is it? going up those high ropes courses, people encouraged me. it was nice, but honestly, it didn't do much. if i didn't want to climb that tree and jump off i wasn't going to. you can tell me "you go girl" "it's easy, just move your feet" or "it's not that bad" all day long, but if i don't want to move, people, i ain't movin'.
stubborn? yes. determined not to live my life in fear? definitely.
so as i learn to face new fears in life, i keep in mind that i really have no reason to be afraid. i have a safe harbor that i can stay in. if i shift my perspective and look at it the way He looks at it, then i can overcome it.
i don't want to live my fear's life. i want to live my life.
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