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Monday, June 29, 2009

what do you do when you don't have a title?

thought: people is nuts...no really.

there are so many things spinning through my mind right now. i can't even being to describe whats going on. i was going to write about secrets...then people and their indecisiveness and self-centeredness...then i thought about writing about the ever growing independence gaining people in their 20s go through. OH! and i had thought about timing and how the Lord puts people in your life at the perfect times.

so i went with a general thought and a cheesy title. let's see where this goes....

i have an amazing small group. those ladies are some of the best i have ever met. and they have been placed in my life for this specific season. i never thought i would "click" in so fast with them....but i do. i love and adore each and every single girl in that group. they are all unique and created in such a way that you know that only God could have created them. i really could go on and on about each of these women, but i won't.

they have totally been there for me. what is cool is that i am the youngest in our group (which is nice cause i've always been the oldest in groups!) and most of the girls have been where i am right now....but they don't treat me like i'm some young, stupid early 20s ditz...and when they talk to me, its like i'm an adult...oh wait, i am. go figure. never once have i felt talked down to by any of them. we have fun too. sometimes we are like little school girls running around giggling but there is a sophistication to it, so that totally makes it okay...doesn't it?

one we do have is a lot of inside jokes...ones that people will never guess. (SPOILER ALERT: can you see the rough transition coming for keeping and telling secrets??) we laugh for hours about things that no one will ever understand..but we totally get it. why? because we understand each other and we trust each other. trusting a person means that you can confide in them (can ya feel it coming on?) and sometimes confiding in someone means that you tell them things you don't want others to know....but you have to tell someone. and then they don't want you to tell which makes it worse for you cause then you feel like you have to tell it then....

really now, are you following me? cause this is serious stuff. secret keeping is major. think about when you were a kid and someone told you something important....it drove you batty knowing that you had to keep your mouth shut about the subject. it's great how the same feelings plague us when we are older. what's even better though, is the determination of the person trying to figure out the secret. oh boy do i like to keep them guessing. it turns into a game. i'll do that to kids, tell them something classified and tell them they cannot tell anyone else. well, then the other kids want to know what was said and try so hard to find out. usually, the secret keeper either tells or the kids give up. it's great watching their minds work as they try to guess.

man i am tired. i think i am going to call it a night!

NO! wait, i'm not....

i just realized today that a few of my posts had comments. yay! i didn't think that anyone actually looked at this aside from the one follower it tells me i have when i log in. that was a pretty cool ego booster when i saw that.

but more on self-centeredness tomorrow. yes, i think that is what i will write about. but don't hold me to it. it could very well change between now and then.

People, People, People

thought: i have the world's best hobby.

my hobby is people watching...i am sure i have blogged about it before. if not on here, then on another blog i had a while back. it may sound creepy, but it really is entertaining. i went to the mall friday night and had to buy a journal so that i could write about what i had seen.

in society today, we are all about watching what the celebrities do. their lives are on public display for all to see...every little detail. things that we shouldn't know about other people, we know about celebrities. they have no privacy. i cannot imagine what it would be like to have your every move scrutinized. which is funny coming from someone who watches people. i wonder what life would be like if we all took time to notice each other a little bit more. not go crazy like the paparazzi or the tabloids do, but what if we tried to "read" people..or observe them more? Heck, if we smiled at random people i'm sure the world would be a thousand times better.

really though, if we decided to take a small interest in the lives of people we know, we could learn a whole lot more about them. i kinda learned this tonight. i was talking with someone and they mentioned something about themselves...based on a reaction i got from them a few weeks ago, i had guessed that what they said was true. when i told them this, they were shocked i guess is the best way to put it. i had told them that their reaction time and the look on their face didn't match up with how they answered the question. what did i do? nothing really. i just watched their body language and their facial expression for that fraction of a second.

my favorite though, is watching two people who may have a romantic interest. the body language, facial expressions, and even what they say is great stuff. what's even better is when one party is interested and the other doesn't know it or isn't interested. the ultimate, however, is when a guy is trying to catch a glimpse of a girl. man will they look at her like there's no tomorrow. it's great cause you know that they are wanting her to look at him so their eyes can meet and he can try to woo her. most girls don't look though...they are either playing hard to get, don't care about the guy (in the romantic sense), or are simply too busy to see them.

yes, watching relationships blossom is one of the best observations one can, um, observe (haha!).
it doesn't matter what their outcome is either. if the people end up as friends or an item, lots of laughs, tears, and glances stolen will be exchanged along the way. all makes for a great book...

.....or sketch. my friends have an on going joke that everything they say or do will end up in a sketch one day. part of it is true...i do take people i know and put some of their traits into characters i create. writing is where i learned to watch people. every creative writing class i have taken says to watch people. in my acting classes too, they will tell us to observe someone and copy their actions. then you can put them away in your "character bank" and pull it out when you need it. well, i don't know if they phrased it that exact way, but you get the idea.

it's all fascinating stuff....even if i sound like a creepster for watching people....its the cheapest form of entertainment i can think of...i mean really, who needs celebrities and movies to entertain us...why not head down to the local mall and see who is around....but remember you could be getting watched yourself!

- I should mention that another celebrity of sorts passed away today. Billy Mays, the oxy clean and other things sold on TV guy, passed away today. The cause is still unknown...I think he was 50 years old.

Friday, June 26, 2009

today is the greatest day i've ever known...

thought: why live for tomorrow when you can give all of yourself to today?

i had planned on writing more about relationships tonight...obviously they are a huge thing on my mind right now. people deal with them all the time. but, some pretty major things happened today, so the theme of tonight's blog changed. it only makes sense.

Thursday, June 25 2009, we lost some pretty major pop culture icons. The first was the lovely Farrah Fawcett. She was 62 years old and died of cancer. Many people in the 1970s had the "Farrah hair" or watched her on Charlie's Angles. She was a very good actress and a beautiful woman. Many guys may admit to having that famous poster of her on their walls...yes, you know which one I'm talking about....the red swimsuit and that blanket. Don't pretend like you don't.

Also on Thursday, the one and only King of Pop, Michael Jackson, passed away. It looks like reports are coming in saying it was a heart attack. He was 50 years old. Jackson was known for being the youngest member of the Jackson 5, which consisted of him and his brothers. He then went on to become a star in his own right and sadly, like many child and teen stars, his career went down hill and so did his life. They are saying that he was about to make a huge comeback with a new tour starting in July.

It's interesting to see how the world reacts when we lose a star. The news covers it, tabloids are all over it, and fans go into mourning. It's like we've known these people our entire lives and feel close to them...even though we've never met. Makes me wonder how people are going to react when I die. Granted that's not for a long time, but still, what will they say?

People are sad about both of these deaths...but I've heard (and am guilty of this) different reactions. With Farrah Fawcett, it is sad and she will be remembered for the things I listed above, but she will also be remembered for how she has dealt with the illness. She handled it with grace from what I've read and she was a fighter. With Michael Jackson, on the other hand, people, especially younger ones, are reacting completely different from those who grew up listening to him. Jokes are being made and people are remembering him for the molestation accusations made against him..."boy scout troops can sleep safe again"...it's sad.

So, what about me? I haven't done anything like these two have. No one has posters of me on their walls. I haven't started a fashion trend or coined dance moves. Nor have I had a highest selling record or have I starred in a show that will be idolized for years to come.

What have I done? I listen to people and try to offer help and advice when I can...I like to make people laugh...I like being there for people and having them know that they can count on me...when it's all said and done, does it really matter if I make lots of money and am famous? No. It would be nice for a while I think, but those things aren't eternal. You can't take them with you...

Here I am, writing this blog at 1am so that I will try and sleep better. I am listening to a classical music station on pandora.com (which I am hooked on...pandora, not classical music) and am wearing sweats, glasses and a mouth guard. How will that inspire people? I mean, it would be cool if the "right" person stumbled onto this blog and I became famous...but what would people say about me? "That's the girl who wrote a blog before bed every night...shes so cool, I'm going to start wearing a mouth guard too!"??

No. That's not what I want. I want people to think of me in a good light...as some one who loved life and tried to live each day to the fullest. I want to be remembered as some one who defied the odds and over came challenges that were thrown at her. I want to be remembered as loving, kind, compassionate. I want to be remembered as someone who laughed...a lot...not obnoxiously...but because she was full of life. I want to be remembered for being the person God created me to be.

As I sit here and think about the grief those families must be having, I also am thinking about how much they must crave for one more day with their loved one. What about words left unsaid...things that could wait until later...there is always something else that could have been done with that person. That is why I don't want to live for tomorrow...I want to be all about the now and today. Yes, it is wise to think about your future and not to live spontaneously all the time...but don't worry about it. Jesus tells us not to worry...it's somewhere in Matthew...Chapter 6 maybe? (Yes, we definitely talked about worry in staff devotions today!) So I won't worry about it...Why waste the time and energy? It's not worth it...

Please, smile, laugh, and give that one more hug good-bye...you never know when it's going to be your last. A friend of mine mentioned that earlier. He said that he was laying in the street looking under a car and thought that if someone had come flying down the road that he would be gone...just like that. Oh all of the things he still could have done...the people he could have said "I love you" to one more time...what would have happened? Does he live his life in such a way that there would be no regrets about putting things off? I think he does...that is how I aspire to live me life. I am regret free. Say what? Yes, I don't have regrets...just things that I might could have done differently...I learn from everything. Even the really, really bad things. No regrets. No worries. It's all good...If I go now, I am know that people will say good things about me. I've lived a good 20something years...learned a lot...did a lot...overcame a lot...life has been good to me. No, I was never famous and probably never will be...and no one may ever read this blog...but does it really matter? Not at all.

Here is to living life to the fullest and not waiting until tomorrow to do things that can be done right now.

- And yes, I did use a Smashing Pumpkins lyric to name this blog...thank you Rock Band for introducing me to the song

- It also should be mentioned that earlier this week TV game show host and icon, Ed McMahon passed away. The past year of his life was filled with not so pleasant things and people again are remembering him for those headlines not for this famous opening line to the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson..."Heeeeeeres Johnny!"

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Sick Thoughts

Thought: Being sick makes one think a lot...and dream some very odd things.

And here you thought that this entry would be about something dirty or nasty. Shame on you, reader, shame on you.

I have been sick the past week and a half and let me tell you, I have had lots of time to think and sleep. Both things are good for me...but I was dreaming some odd things when I was sleeping. In the two I remember the best, I was dating someone who I know I would never date...actually it was more or less a combination of several people I know rolled into one super amazing person but someone I know I could never be with. It was odd. In the other one, I dreamt this this couple had a baby..but then I forgot that they already had one...so I dreamt that they had baby number 2.

Now, those may not sound so bad, but let me tell ya, they were. I woke up after both of those dreams and really wished I could feel better instantly! They were insanely interesting.

Another thing about being sick is that your brain isn't always in the right place...I was getting words mixed up, forgetting stuff, and all of that other good stuff that comes with it. I wasn't even taking medication to make me groggy (mainly because it keeps me awake instead...hyper active much? maybe). Anyway, I really don't like being sick. Right now, I have the lingering cough. I'm sure it will go away if I sleep more.

Speaking of sleeping more, I am going to start blogging every night before bed and am going to listen to classical music while I do so. I recently read that one should journal or write or sketch or something before they go to bed to calm their brain down. I thought that sounded like the perfect thing for me to do...since my brain is always going at high speed. I forget what the classical music is supposed to do...calming maybe? I don't know, but I somehow feel more enlightened listening to it. I am currently laughing at myself though. Here I am, blogging and listening to classical..it must be a sight...especially with my dark rimmed glasses on...oh how funny life is!

Anyway, one of the things keeping me up at night is something I wrote about last time: Relationships. With all of this down time, I have been thinking more and more about them...and I have been doing some people observing.

A thought that hit me last night was this: when dating someone, shouldn't they bring out the best in you? I mean, in a relationship, neither person should compromise who they are to impress the other person...then they are becoming who they think that person wants to date, not who they actually want to date. Right? Suppose I begin dating a guy who, i don't know, likes to wear those stupid shoes with the roller skates in them. I however, had a bad fall on those one time and have sworn never to own them or use them again. What if suddenly, I being to fall back into what I know is comfortable and being using those shoes...even if I know that they are going to bust me up when I fall? Is that a good thing? Maybe...maybe not. I tend to lean toward the latter...now, some of you may not think that is a good example, but remember, I a) work with kids and b) am still sick...so give me some grace. Haha. But substitute those dumb shoes with something like alcohol or drugs. Does that make the picture more clear?

Seriously, what is the point of a relationship? Eventually, in marriage, it is to serve the Lord and to serve one another...but how can you do that if you keep falling on your butt in those dang skating shoes? You can to a point do it, but you are not giving you best. You are letting that thing hold you back. If in a, lets say "good" for lack of better words...if in a good relationship, you are encouraging, uplifting, and not pulling the other down, then you will be able to do those tasks. They are hard to do when the person you are with is constantly influencing you to be someone you are not...or worse yet, someone you hate. i just don't see the point in being with a person who makes you into someone who you don't like being...unless of course, you like falling on your butt in those shoes, then by all means, go for it....

But why? What keeps you with that person? Their looks? Charm? Their hobbies? They gave you attention and you liked it? I mean seriously, you can do better. I think I need to observe more people and write more about this.

Oh, here's something that just popped into my head about it: maybe its an insecurity issue. Those can affect you majorly. Or maybe its just that you don't know how to break the pattern of your old life. Both of those things are bad news bears. I've seen them hold people back for years.

Yes, more research is coming soon..and with that will come more writing...

And don't think this applies to dating relationships...it also applies to your friends. They sometimes have more influence over you than a boyfriend or girlfriend does.

More will come on the topic of friends too....my book sure is shaping up!

Monday, June 15, 2009

relationships

thought: relationships are a funny thing

relationships. we can't live with them and we can't live without them. funny right? i think so. when writing, relationships are the main thing i write about. not only guy/girl relationships but family and friend relationships. very interesting stuff.

recently, i decided that i should write a book...but then again, who doesn't want to write a book, play, novel, screen play, blah blah blah. my book is going to be better though (HA!). seriously. it's going to be about relationships. i based my opinion on the fact that people ask me for relationship advice (or maybe i am giving it freely?). i came to this conclusion one night after talking to a friend for a while about a guy that she really enjoys being around. when i walked through the door of my house i laughed and proclaimed that i was going to write a book about relationships. one member of my family, as dry and flat as can be, said right back to me "well that's funny considering that you aren't in one." you may think that sounds harsh, but the delivery was hysterical! i've found that several relationship books (about dating) are written by single people. why? i don't know...but i can tell you why i'd do it.

i am a people watcher. i fully enjoy watching people interact with each other. seeing responses to actions is very exciting. you may think it sounds dull. maybe it is something i acquired? you see, i have had some assignments which require me to watch people and write a character sketch of them. been doing this since high school. go somewhere, watch a person and write down everything they do. sounds sketchy right? it probably is, but if you're good at it, then you can get some pretty amazing stuff like speech patterns or specific phrases. maybe even the way a person walks. great stuff!

so how does this play into my relationship book? well, with all of the lists out there about "50 things every guy should do for their girl" or "63 things every man loves" combined with people watching, i think i could have a new york times best seller. and so far, i haven't steered any one wrong when they ask (or i give!) my opinions. now, if they choose not to listen, well, that's a different story. haha.

really though, it just takes common sense. having read several of these lists and other books that is the biggest thing i've learned. what are the major keys to making something work? i will give them to you....(even if you didn't ask for it)

  • be your self - this is the most important. don't change for the person you are trying to impress/get to like or notice you. it's a turn off. big time.
  • don't talk so much - remember to listen...actively. girls like to talk and most guys will tune out. so give and take people. girls don't talk so much and guys listen when she does.
  • stay away from talking about your exes - not a cool thing. no one wants to hear you talk about how you got dissed by the last person you dated...or how you dissed them. it's just a bad thing.
  • did i mention being yourself? really. be confident and who you are around your friends...unless of course, you are still trying to figure out who you are. in which case, you probably should not be thinking about dating. seriously. that is a whole other blog....

granted, it's not as simple as this, but these are some really good foundations. respect and trust play big in to relationships...but those are built by getting to know someone and you get to know someone by being yourself. which brings up the one thing that plagues my mind. how is it that people who are so confident and know who they are are not in a relationship? i see this a lot. drives me crazy and my friends and i talk about it frequently. maybe when i figure that out, i will publish my book and make millions.....

......or maybe not.

writing a book is definitely a pipe dream. i tend to have several of those.

i can feel the rambling mode coming on...though, i'm sure i've already begun that.

more about this topic later. i will collect my thoughts and maybe have a better format.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Summers in the South

thought: something that once scared the junk out of me is now one of the things i love in life

living in the South, i have the chance to experience something called "lightening storms" or "heat lightening". they only happen in the summer when it's hot and muggy. driving home tonight, the sky was clear on one side of me then on the other, it was cloudy and there was flashes of lightening in the clouds.

as a child i was afraid of lightening, thunder, and wind storms. now though, i love sitting on the porch and watching the lightening. the rain isn't so bad either. growing up the the Pacific Northwest, it rained all the time so when it rains, it wasn't so much of a novelty when i first moved here...until the last few summers. i love listening to the rain, especially at night. or, waking up in the morning to the rain is really cool. my favorite though, is a thunder storm in the morning. it doesn't happen often, but it is pretty neat to wake up with the thunder rolling and lightening flashing.

so yeah, driving home tonight with my windows down and radio blasting was great stuff. the breeze was perfect too. if only i could have been on the high way on my way to the beach! those are the best times...being on the beach at night when there is lightening out over the ocean, the breeze is just right and the tide is rolling in. oh yes, that is the best. nothing to be afraid of there...except for getting struck by lightening or a sudden tidal wave...which is still a cool thing to see...unless it destroys your home....

wow, where did that come from? oh yeah, my bad attempt of trying to be funny...my joke telling skills need some improvement...

but back to the lightening and storms and stuff. they are so amazing to watch. like i said before, i used to be afraid of them...i used to be afraid of a lot of things. but then i realized that i had no need to be afraid of them. so i began to watch them and by watching them, i fell in love. summers in the South are some of the greatest. yes, it is humid and there are bugs, but those are nothing compared to the awesomeness of seeing a storm.

plus, storms are another way the Lord shows Himself through creation!

Monday, June 8, 2009

last year

thought: where do the years go?

one year ago today, something pretty significant happened. someone decided to take an opportunity.

the past few days i've thought a lot about this. i've thought about how much i've changed since then...good change? bad change? depends on who you ask i guess.

i can't believe it's been a year. i don't remember all of the details of that day, but i do remember a few brief moments.

crazy stuff.

sometimes i wish i could forget it...but then again, i wouldn't give my memory up for anything in the world. maybe i will write about some of this one day and publish it. ha. that would be a trip.

where has the past year gone? into my personal history book. i will say it again, it was the year that totally defined who i am. i meet more people, took more risks, and faced a lot of things that could have taken me down.

but here i am, reminiscing...and smiling. it was a good year.

.....the song playing right now is "you raise me up"....the selah version...sums me up right about now. the Lord has definitely raised me up to be more than i can be. without Him, who knows where i would be at this moment......

i guess it is true, the older you get the faster the years fly by.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

opportunities

thought: some times in life we have an opportunity to do something that will change us forever.


...there are times in life when we are given an opportunity to do something that will completely change some portion of our lives forever. there are times when we decided to take that opportunity and there are times when we don't take it, either because we are afraid or there is a circumstance that doesn't allow us to seize the opportunity.


this blog has been sirring in me for a while and i haven't sat down and written it. it has been written and re-written hundreds of times in my mind. each time it began and ended different. every combination of the blog was thought of and i finally decided just to sit down and write. the direction is still unknown.


what is known, however, is that one year ago i was in an interesting situation. some would think that my heart was broken, but it wasn't. i was just angry. what happened was nothing major. but it was the result of seizing an opportunity. i decided to take a risk and step out of my norm. i'm glad i did, don't get me wrong. the anger and tears were a part of the risk. would i do it again? absolutely.


as this was happening someone else had decided to seize an opportunity. in a few days, it will be one year since this person made the decision to seize an opportunity. an opportunity that definitely changed me.


i didn't see this coming and i later found out that it took a long time to make the decision to do it. but when it did, i made a decision to react and again step out of my comfort zone. i jumped into something that i thought i understood. while this decision was something that again, i don't regret, i may have changed some of the things that happened within the situation.


both of those are things that definitely changed who i am. they shaped me and taught me things about others...but mainly i learned more about myself. though it hurt at times and tears were shed, i wouldn't take them back or ask for a "do over".


here recently, another opportunity was "missed" you could say. while on a recent vacation, there were some opportunities for me to meet new people. one of them, i didn't take. i'm chicken. really, i mean it. meeting new people, especially those of the opposite sex terrifies me sometimes. i get nervous, stutter, sweaty palms...it's bad stuff. so there i was, had an opportunity and i didn't take it...but that is totally fine because i did make a new friend...well actually 3 new friends....still though, one of guys was very cool and pretty good looking. i won't deny it! but it wasn't until after the vacation that we really clicked. did we miss an opportunity while on the boat? i don't think so. they ("they" being the experts!) say that to really get to know someone you should watch them interact with their friends. that is totally what happened. so while there wasn't a romantic walk on the beach or on the boat at sunset, there were several hours of laughter and lots of memories made. that is worth way more than being romantic....right?
sure, but i'm a girl and sometimes i can't help to think how neat it would have been to say that i had a romantic walk with a guy....they don't write this stuff in real life. it would have been a fairy tale....
...wait, i've been in those situations before. where the whole thing seemed too good to be true and it was like a fairy tale. or what about the one where it was like something you'd see in a move? no thank you. i would much rather stick with the real life, lets laugh and make jokes, eat pizza and have fun relationship.
so, opportunities....take them. you never know what will happen. the risk may be great and it may hurt for a while. but the pain will go away and something else will come along. or, it could be the best thing to ever happen to you. who knows? just go for it.