Time to Share

A couple of years ago, I was asked to speak to a class of 6th-8th Grade girls about purity. It was supposed to be just a couple of minutes to pop into their class and tell them to save themselves for their husband, not to dress so revealing, and to think how God would want them to think. But it turned out to be so much more than that. I talked for a bit then opened it up for questions. What resulted was a lengthy discussion about things that would make one blush. Those girls, who are in middle school, were talking and asking questions about stuff that I didn't have to deal with until I was an adult. I left with a pit in my stomach. I met some friends for dinner after and I couldn't eat. The discussion affected me that much. Something was stirring deep within me. I didn't know what it was exactly, but I knew that I needed to do something for those girls.


About a year later, I was involved in working with refugees and international high school students. For 5 days over the summer of 2010, we took those students to summer camp. Being around those kids and hearing their stories also affected me. That fall, I heard the story of a 16 year old girl who just came to the States. Her family had been here for a few years and they had been patiently waiting for her. While talking with one of her sponsors about how to introduce her to life in the States, we began talking about her self worth. Not to us, but to herself. Things she experienced while waiting to come here I do not want to repeat. One can only imagine how her self worth had been annihilated. 


Most teenage girls I've met have had self issues. It is apart of growing up. After hearing the stories of the international girls and talking with those middle school girls, I knew what I needed to do. I turned to one of the things I love the most, writing. I bought a purple composition book and began to write. This book is being filled with things I have learned in my life about self worth, self confidence, and other things that girls struggle with. It isn't anything spectacular and by no means it is edited and finished. But it is there.


There are several books, websites, and tools out there for girls to look at. And while I'm not sure what sets this one apart, I think it's time I started sharing it with people...


November 29, 2010


Love. What is it? What does it mean? It is a word that means so much, has so much depth and meaning, yet it is used to describe the most mundane things.
"I love pizza."
"I love these shoes."
"I love this book."


The word "love" means "passionate". "Passionate" means to "have strong feeling or ruled by intense emotion." (dictionary.com) 


...It is quite possible to have an intense emotion for pizza, but it could also be heartburn....


I use the word "love" all the time. I have a great love for ham and pineapple pizza with extra sauce. I tell my pizza that right before I eat the entire thing. I do not use the word "love", however, when I'm talking to other people. 


What do I mean, exactly? Well, it took me two years before I said "I love you" to my best friend. When I'm dating a guy seriously, I don't say it unless I know I mean it. I've had it said to me a few times before, but it wasn't love they were feeling. I haven't said it to a guy yet (well, not in a romantic way. I've said it to friends before...but still, it took me a while). I don't take the decision to love someone lightly. It's a pretty big thing to love someone outside of your family. I'm not so sure how serious this concept/decision/choice is taken any more. 


It did get me thinking, though, how often do I tell myself that I love me?


The answer? Never.


Or at least not often enough for me to remember. And then, it hit me. How can I love others if I don't love myself? How can I understand this important decision when I can't decide whether or not I love myself? All of that got me to thinking about body image, how I present myself, and how I interact with others. Then, all of that got me thinking that if I'm thinking about these things that other chicks must be as well. It also reminded me of when I was younger and thought about stuff like this. I'm the oldest child. I have a great relationship with my mom but I couldn't or more, I sometimes felt like I could talk to her about certain things. I have some amazing aunts, but they lived 3,000 miles away. We didn't have Google and chat rooms and message boards were "scary" places.


So, what did I do? Try to figure it out myself. I would have loved to had a girl in her 20s to talk to. 


Well, now I'm the girl in her 20s. I talk to girls all the time about things they aren't comfortable talking to their moms about. Don't get me wrong, I strongly advocate talking to your parents. But I totally understand that sometimes it's pretty embarrassing. I figured I should write it all down in one place.


So, here I go. The following pages are going to be filled with my thoughts, favorite quotes, verses, stories, songs, books. You name it, I will put it in here. 


It's worth it.
I'm worth it.
You're worth it.


Part One: I love ME!!!
The older I get, the cooler I think I am. Seriously, every year I get more vain. I fall more and more in love with myself all the time.


Now, don't confuse me for being narcissistic. There is a difference. In Greek mythology, they tell the story of Narcissus. He was so beautiful that he was told not to look at his reflection. He was suppose to love this other person, but didn't. He decided to gaze upon himself. He gazed so much that he fell in love with himself and eventually died. I am not that way.
What I mean is that I'm constantly finding something new and exciting out about myself. It not only makes life really fun to live but I'm also learning that I can do so many different things!


I wasn't always like this. Typical right? Probably.


My life has always had some flare to it. I've always been the life of the party and a COA (center of attention). As a child, I was loud, probably obnoxious, and knew it all. I was writing and directing sketches and choreographing dances constantly. I was very comfortable with who I was. That's what you're suppose to do as a kid. But, when I was 12, we moved across the country. My world changed completely. I was living somewhere completely different, they talked funny, and I had to make new friends. This was a lot. Especially with painful growth spurts, molars coming in crooked, and hitting puberty. I was going from cute kid to awkward teen in a whole new surrounding. And it sucked. 


Hello Geekdom
"Lanky" was my new favorite word. It described me perfectly:
Ungracefully thin and rawboned; bony" (dictionary.com)


Ungraceful? Check.
Thin? Check.
Bony? Check.


Ages 12 and 13 meant people thought I was 15 and played basketball since I was so tall. I didn't. Remember the ungraceful part? A friend once told me it was painful to watch me run.


This age also brought on braces. The dentist looked at my teeth and said "yep, you need braces." I wanted to ask if he really got paid to make such profound observations. I had an overcrowding problem. The orthodontist told me something I'd never heard before: I had a small mouth. So small, in fact, that I had 4 teeth pulled. Then, when my wisdom teeth came in a few years later, they pulled them as well. That's 8 teeth!!


I wore braces for 3 years, 2 months, and 5 days. That would have been from the beginning of 9th grade to the beginning of 11th grade. And I got glasses the fall of my 9th grade year as well. Not a new thing, I had been in and out of them my whole life.


But still, I was now a total geek...

Life Moves

August started with a bang. Seriously, August 1st was one of the toughest days I have experienced in my life. 


We put my dog, Abby, down.  


I got Abby for my 13th birthday when she was 4 months old. I had her for 12 1/2 years. I knew this day would eventually come. Abby always had problems. One of the funnier ones was that the vet wanted to give her braces to fix her teeth because she had too many for her mouth. We opted just to pull the teeth. (Funny thing about that was that it was around the same time I got my braces...for the same problem. I had too many teeth for my mouth!) I could go on and list her problems, but there is no point. She had several issues and my parents decided it was time. I agreed. Though, as much as I cried over the matter, one could beg to differ. I had been preparing myself for this day for about a year. And if it didn't happen now, it would be in 6 months or a year. The vet said that most people actually wait too long, because they're selfish and can't let go. He said that we did the right thing by doing it now. She was in pain and pretty miserable but had we held on longer, she would have suffered more. I didn't want that to happen. 


I think I'm better now. I cried the weekend before it happened, the day of, and a couple of days after. But life moved on. Though, every time I hear a dog story....you know, those ones where the dog was faithful to the end...I tear up. I'm crying now. It hasn't been that long since it happened. Someone asked me if I was ready for another dog a day or so later and I adamantly said I was not. Yes, I will get another dog one day. But not now. Someday, though. I miss my girl. She was a great dog

It occurred to me, in the midst of my crying that weekend, that I had not cried this hard since last August, when my Great-Grandmother passed away. Again, it was something the family had known was coming. For me, I was 3,000 miles away from her and hadn't seen her in almost 3 years so it was especially difficult. On the anniversary of her death, I was with family. We were not celebrating her life, however. We were celebrating something that was coming up...

...On the 14th, my sister got married. She was the absolute most gorgeous bride I have ever seen. Seriously, she rivaled any bride I have seen in a magazine. Words do not describe how she looked. 

The day was exciting, of course, but added elements like the weather, made it more exciting.  The ceremony was outside but there were a threat of storms. Not just our typical mid-summer storm but a tornado and hail producing storm. There was a lot of praying that day. Even as I was walking down the aisle to take my place as a bridesmaid the sky was growing dark and the wind was picking up. I prayed the whole time during my walk. Then during the ceremony, a gust came through and I thought the flowers on a pillar beside me were going to crash to the ground. They didn't and I'm glad because I would have busted out laughing. At the end of the ceremony, and this is the best part, right as Pastor said " you may kiss your bride" the skies opened up and the sun shone down on the happy couple. It stayed until they were announced as Mr. and Mrs. Then as soon as they got out of sight, the clouds came back and the sky turned gray again. The rain stayed away until everyone was inside at the reception. Then, the storm came and they had the best fireworks show I've ever seen. The lightening was going across the sky. It was horizontal not vertical like you're used to seeing. It was pretty spectacular.

This month started rough. Very rough. But life moves on. While I lost a dear friend, I was also able to see my sister start a life with her best friend. Those are both days I will never forget. Totally different in every way. But both left the same, lasting impression. 

Life moves on. Each day brings something new. This quote sums up how I've felt thus far this month. I like it, though, I'm not sure who said it and neither is Google...

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.  

cha-cha-changes

i was looking at the blog today and decided i wanted to change it the way it looked. so i did. 


some of the posts may start with a "thought"; some may not. don't really know. guess it will depend on the topic. 


think i will also break into my archives and play with some stuff that i have kept locked in my numerous notebooks.


just some stuff to look forward to! 

two months is a long time

thought: where do you start when you have so much to say?


it's been nearly two months since i've written last. in that time, i have been on vacation, learned some things about myself, started reading a great new book, thought more about my favorite writing topic, decided to pick up a new hobby, taken a ride on a motorcycle, seen people get married, seen people break-up,  cleaned out my room and had a bug in my ear for 16 hours.


now you can see why i haven't had a chance to write. so much stuff going on. i will update soon, i promise. i have much to tell and many thoughts to get out of my head and onto some paper...or a webpage for you literal people.


the thing that probably gave me the most memories was my vacation. it was a lot of fun but the day leading to it and the drive to my destination were nerve wrecking. there are few times in my life where i can remember being that nervous...but i put on my brave face, flashed my big teeth, and everything turned out great. granted, i also had my most embarrassing moment while there. but it was kind of a good thing. gave me some confidence. i mean, i worried a few times after that about the impression i made. and, honestly, i still do. i had the privilege of meeting and staying with an amazing family. i wanted them to like me very much...hope i didn't "try" too hard to be myself and mess it up.


can't worry about that now though. 


there is a life to be lived. i have definitely lived the past two months. that, perhaps, is my greatest accomplishment of the past two months. i've done stuff i have never tried before. i have done some stuff that i was very uncomfortable doing as well. it all turned out alright. seriously, the beginning of my summer has been fabulous. 


i can't wait to see how the rest of it shapes up...

can't shake it

thought: ever had a thought that won't leave you alone?

i feel as if i'm supposed to write, but what, i don't know. i've had this thought the past 24 hours about holding your thoughts captive. my pastor mentioned it in church yesterday and it won't leave me. it's been ringing in the back of my mind: hold your thoughts captive. you can do it. take hold of them.

but i'm not sure what that means exactly.

dictionary.com: captive
noun:
1) a prisioner
2) a person who is enslaved or dominated; slave: He is the captive of his own fears.

oh snap. did they really just use that word...

fears

i don't deny that i'm scared of the dark or being home alone. or that i'm worried about my health. i will deny it, if you ask me, that i dwell on those thoughts.

but the truth is that i do. i let them get the best of me. i've written before about taking control over my fears and i try. but for some reason, they keep getting the best of me.

you know, i've grown up in a Christian household. i can quote the verses about not having a spirit of fear. my mom used to say them to me all the time. i told her a while back how much that meant to me and that i still quote them to myself.

the new series we're doing with the kids at church is called 10 for life. they are the top 10 verses every kid should know. as i was looking over the list, i realized that i'm familiar with pretty much all of them. some of them are ones we learn the first day of Sunday School (John 3:16). others are ones we learn to lean on when we get older/more mature (2 Chronicles 7:14).

do you know how cool it is to quote scripture?

while watching the royal wedding ( I know, I know, I'll let it go eventually!) there was a few times where portions of the Bible were read. without thinking about it, i started quoting along with the people reading. i didn't think anything about it until later. i actually knew what they were quoting and very naturally started saying it. just as if i were singing my favorite song. i didn't become proud but i was impressed with myself for knowing the verses.

a few days later, at small group, i was asked to look up a passage and read it for the group. without thinking and without hesitation, i quoted the passage while turning to it. i wasn't doing it to be proud or to show off but simply because the words came flowing out of my mouth as soon as i heard the reference. the group looked at me, slightly shocked, i think, and i suddenly became embarrassed. i didn't want to seem pompous or holier than thou. i couldn't stop myself from saying it.

how much Scripture do i know? i mean, i can tell you some stories from the Bible. and can list some themes that are mentioned. but when it comes down to straight-up passages, i wouldn't do so well.

if you gave me the reference and maybe the first few words of those 10 for life verses i would be able to quote some and paraphrase the rest. i don't "know" all of them per se.

and i think, that is my problem. i read my Bible and spend time with the Lord but when was the last time I actually hid the Word in my heart? i haven't committed scripture to memory since high school. (thanks to the following: Awanas, M'Pact/Missionettes, helping my brothers with JBQ/TBQ)

my thoughts are taken captive by things i worry about not by things that bring me joy. God brings me joy. He brings me peace. He is where my mind should be dwelling. the things of this world are temporary. the stuff i worry about is legitimate to a point but it won't last forever.

last time my mind was in this place, these words came to me. i knew i had to share them and i figure they are worth sharing again:

if He was with Daniel, Noah, and Jonah. if He gave sight to the blind and made the lame walk. if His eye is on the smallest of things, then i know that He is with me and i have nothing to fear.

i posted it on facebook. one of my aunts commented on the status. she use Scripture (of course!):

cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you.

she also reminded me that God is in control. it doesn't matter if i am dealing with fear or worry. He is there to hold me up.

(let me take a moment to brag about my family! aren't they amazing?? i am blessed!)

so i've figured that in addition to making people feel special (to read about that, click here) i am going to also start committing scripture to memory. i think that if i can memorize the words of the One who gives me joy and if they are continually in my mind, that will make a difference. i'm still going to continue to pray about this. i know that He wants to best for me and i'm pretty sure that includes my thoughts being about Him and not stuff that will eventually fade away. i want to shake this thing. 

i think i will start with the list we're giving the kids.

Proverbs 3:5-6

John 3:16

2 Chronicles 7:14

Isaiah 40:30-31

Joshua 1:9

Matthew 22:37-39

Philippians 4:13

Matthew 6:33

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

John 14:6

if you're reading this, i would encourage you to look up these verses. and, if you dare, memorize them. or write them down and put them somewhere you will see them often. 

i'm not sure what is taking you captive today, but i know Someone who has more in store for you than you will ever know. He wants to give you everything but can't if you hold yourself back. i know how hard it is to let Him in and give it up. i'm in the middle of it too. but i am also tired of not sleeping at  night because i'm worried about tomorrow. 

let tomorrow bring what it may. you have Someone on your side who loves you and is here to hold you up. grab on to His promises. cling to His words. commit them to memory. take control of your thoughts. you are more than a conquerer. 

princess? me?

thought: at some point in time, every girl wants to be a princess, for at least a day.


if you're reading this, it's either because you're an actual reader of the blog or because you saw me post this on facebook. no matter how you found it, chances are you know me personally. if not, then read a post or 2 and you will get a taste.


for those of you who know me, you know that in recent years i have undeniably become a hopeless romantic. i may not be the most hopelessly romantic person you know. but i love a good love story...a true love story. i have become, in recent years, quite a fan of hearing how people met. some of them are funny stories, other are filled with heartache. they all have happy endings though. i will sit down and cry at a chick flick. or get lost in a nicholas sparks novel (and yes, cry at the end of that too!).


another thing i also really enjoy doing is flipping through wedding magazines or watching something on tv about them. there is something about looking at the colors; picking out the dress, shoes, jewelry; tasting the cake; decorating the reception site and seeing people so crazy in love that i am drawn too.


it could be the storyteller in me. it could be the party/event planner part of my brain. and i'm not going to lie, i take notes. i have some ideas swirling around for my own wedding day.


most girls think about that day. some have it totally planned well before it happens.i seriously know girls who have notebooks already full of ideas. i don't have a notebook but i have some mental notes. 


one thing i know, is that no matter where i get married or the style of the dress, that one day will be my day to be a princess. as little girls running around playing dress up, we don old prom dresses, find something the be  a tiara and a scepter and we rule the world (namely our bedrooms!). then as we get older, the prom dresses are new, our hair gets done and we set out to rule prom night. somewhere between prom and getting married, we catch a glimpse of a wedding gown.


they are the gown to end all gowns.


we start to think about our wedding gown. what it will look like, how it will flow down the aisle, what shoes to  go with it. this day has got to blow all of the days out of the water. seriously. and while i know not every girl thinks specifically about their wedding day prior to being engaged, i am certain every girl has at one time or another dreamed about being a princess. maybe not princess for a lifetime, month, or even a year. but a day at least. and after the royal wedding of Kate Middleton and Prince William last friday (4/29/11) i am even more certain that being a princess is on the minds of girls everywhere. young and old.


i watched the royal wedding and all of the coverage before and after. it was an amazing thing to see. it blew every episode of my fair wedding out of the water. well, maybe not. i've seen some amazing things on that show. David Tutera is good at what he does. 


and he makes his brides feel like a princess.


i've spent so much time on this post that i've forgotten my original intent for writing it...


let's see...hopeless romantic...wedding tangent...all girls want to feel like princess...


oh yeah, i remember. 


being a princess means feeling special. the wedding day is an example. and so is playing dress up as a little girl. we do it to feel special...well, and because of the amazing clothes we couldn't normally get away with wearing. 


last week, someone made me feel pretty special. they sent me flowers. not just flowers. but roses. to me. at work. and there were a lot of them. i felt like a princess. i felt special. i blushed.


a lot. 


and i still do when i think about it. 


you never know what is going to make someones day. we all want to be appreciated and to feel special. i'm not so sure we do that enough to each other. sure, we do it on birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, and what not. but what about the rest of the time? i know i'm guilty of not showing enough appreciation to those i care the most about. feeling that way last week (and yes, i'll admit, it was my birthday) made me realize how good it felt to know that someone cared. it was a good feeling. a feeling i should pass along more often.


princess me? oh yes. 


making someone else feel the same way? my newest goal. 

I'm Still Here

thought: 25? really? i shouldn't be here.

the other day i wrote about slowing down and lessons i've learned in my 25 years. i'll admit, i'm not too crazy about the whole birthday thing anymore. in fact, i've been downright melancholy about my birthdays the last few years. i think, maybe, it's because somewhere along the way the whole birthday thing has lost its magic. i don't know when, but it did. i still love to celebrate other peoples birthdays and planning something great for them. but for me, i've began to see it as just another day.

last night, though, well it was actually this morning around 4am, i remembered that i do have a reason to celebrate.

you know how you hear those stories of people who shouldn't be alive? they went through some traumatic, life threatening experience and made it through. or how some people seem like all the odds are against them. yet, no matter what, they make a way and beat the odds.

i'm one of those people.

April 28th, 1986 at Whidbey General Hospital in Coupeville, WA is where it began. Mom was on her way there to give birth to her first child. I don't know the particulars of the pregnancy. But I do remember mom telling me once that she had a thing for pineapple pizza while she was carrying me. That explains why I love it so much.

I don't know how long mom was in labor. or even the time i was born. but i do know that i came into this world silent. and blue. and spotted.

i didn't breathe for the first few moments of my life. if you know me, you know that i definitely know how to make an entrance into a room. my entrance into the world wasn't much different. people knew i was coming, yes, but they didn't expect me to be silent about it.

a couple years ago, on my birthday, my grandma posted this on my wall:

I will never forget your grand entrance into the world.

You came fast, real fast, super fast. Or else your mom waited too long to get to the hospital.

The doctor smacked you, but you decided to hold your breath till you turned blue. The doctor threw you like a football to Glenda, the head nurse.

I'm praying in tongues, for 4 long minutes She massaged your heart, gave you her breath, I'm still praying, till you let out a scream . Then I'm HALLELUJAHING!!!!! Wiping my tears. We all were. The

room was full even Grandpa

after the initial scare, i was a fairly healthy baby. i weighed in at 8lbs 1oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. they say i was cute. and a mess.

i was cute. and i was a mess. but look at that picture again. notice my eye? when i was born, my eyes were focused inward. you could say i have a lazy eye. well, yes, you could call it that. but i prefer to say that my eyes work independently. i used webmd to find the correct names for what i have. i came up with Strabismus which leads to or can cause Amblyopia. both my eyes work. both my eyes see pretty well (i had 20/20 vision when i was 12!) but one is nearsighted and the other is farsighted.

i had two surgeries as an infant (like before the age of 2!) to fix the problem. the doctors went in and clipped the muscles next to the eyes to try and retract them, or pull them outward. according to the doctors, my surgeries were a success. my eyes pulled out but not too far out. and i can still see.

as a kid, growing up, i didn't notice it so much. i was always in and out of glasses and never really cared how i looked. getting into high school, however, i noticed it more and more. people always asked why i hid behind my glasses. i didn't think that i did. i had them my entire life so they were natural to me. and once i got my braces, they just seemed to fit with the long, lanky, gawky teen i was.

i did, eventually, go to contacts...after i had gained some self confidence. but one morning, while driving to work, i suddenly couldn't see. i thought my contact was in wrong. i took it out while i was in the car. (what? i had gotten good at being able to take them out with one hand!) and i dropped it! when i got to work, i took the other one out too. it was bothering me a bit as well. i knew i would be able to make it through the day without my contacts in, plus it was about time to change them. so no worries in tossing them. i would put my glasses on later.

later never came. in fact, i went all day without anything. i was fine. i realized it the next morning. so, i decided to go that entire day without my glasses. i made it most of the day. soon after that, i noticed that my eyes looked "normal".

why normal in quotations?

remember the picture? my eyes looked like that my entire life. they only time they looked "normal" was when they were dilated at the doctor's office. normal for me is not normal for the rest of the world. something was happening to my eyes. i was a few months away from 23 and i looked, well, normal.

i didn't know how to take it. then it dawned on me. after years and years of prayer, my eyes were Healed.

i was elated. nothing like that had ever happened to me before...that i remembered. i heard the stories of my birth and of those times when i had seizures but i didn't remember them. i do remember this.

and i remember that no matter how bummed or melancholy i want to be on my birthdays that i can't be that way. i wasn't created to be that way. i shouldn't have made it past the first 5 minutes of my life. probably even though my toddler years. (i didn't go into the seizure and other not breathing stories. i don't know them as well!). and if i did make it, i could have grown into a non-confident girl who let her eye problem hold her back and played a victim.

but i didn't.

i wasn't wired that way. yes, there may be some circuits that aren't quite right. but Someone made me the exact way He wanted me. and He decided that i am on this earth for a reason. that alone is enough to make me want to celebrate.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

you formed me in my mother's womb.

I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

before I'd even lived one day

-Psalm 139:13-16 the message

caution, slow moving 20something ahead

thought: For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. ~Lily Tomlin

my 25th birthday is coming up. usually, i am super stoked about birthdays. mainly ones that belong to other people. i've always been real excited about mine too, but this year, for some reason, i'm not. for the first time in a while, i'm not planning a shindig or dinner with friends. to those who know me, it probably seems like i don't care about my birthday this year. i mean, it's 25. that should be a big one. right? it seems like it is one of those magic numbers. you know what the magic numbers are, don't ya?

5, 10, 13, 16, 20, 21, 25, 30, 40, 50

they are the milestone numbers. or so we are taught. i mean, i will now be able to rent a car without any extra fees and i am pretty sure my insurance rate is going to go down...but other than that, what else is there to look forward to? i will be 30 in just 5 years. so i guess that count down can begin?

i suppose you could say i have been in a reflective mood this year. the last few years, i have been discovering who i am as a woman, daughter, friend, sister, employee, and Christian. i've learned a lot and been through a lot. life has given me plenty of experiences to draw from. if i tried, i'm sure i could go back a few years and list some of the major things that happened. i could write out the situation, how i reacted, what the outcome was, and what i learned. some of the things would be significant. in others, you would have to look for the significance.

but going into my 25th year of life, there are some definite things i learned from years 21-24. the one that is on my mind right now is to slow down.

slow down and think about life.

slow down and enjoy the little things.

slow down and live your life. don't let life live you.

slow down and spend time with those you love.

slow down and take time for yourself.

slow down and spend time listening to God.

slow down and just listen to people.

i'm known for having a fast paced life. i love it, i really do. everyone knows i wouldn't trade it for anything. but, i have learned the importance of slowing down and taking care of myself. i cannot run 110% when i'm only 60% ready. slowing down hasn't been an easy thing for me. but, when i force myself to do it, i really actually enjoy it.

a couple of weekends ago, i went to the redbox grabbed 4 dvds. 3 i had intended on seeing in the theater and 1 i did see in the theater only because a friend made me go. for an entire day and night, i was parked in front of the tv. i moved a few times. other than that, i was under a blanket not doing a thing. after i got over the feeling of being completely lazy, it really felt nice. my body needed the down time.

i'm not sure how many of those days i can handle. but i'm sure i can think of other relaxing things to do that are a little more involved. (like, you know, laying on the beach)

i fully intend for the rest of my 20s to be spent living my life to the fullest and doing new and exciting things. however, don't be surprised if you hear i took a day and didn't do a thing. or if i put my phone on silent and disappear from social media for a day or two. i'm not able to be the best i can possibly be if i don't stop to make sure i'm well. or that my heart and head are in the right place.

i need to slow down in order to speed up.

writers block

thought: work brain work

i've had some severe writer's block. the idea for my previous post started on February 22nd. I edited it on February 28th. Then went back and did some more editing today and posted it 3 minutes ago. (Yeah, I know the post date says 2/28. I wanted to make myself look good. haha)

For some reason, I haven't been able to write lately. I don't know if it is because there is so much going on or if i lose the ideas as soon as i get them. i have no clue. i had an idea for another post but i just couldn't get the idea off the ground so i deleted it. i shoulda posted it. now i don't even remember what it was!

oh well. i guess it's good to get a case like this every now and then. i'm sure it means that my next idea is going to be one of my best...or maybe it means that i need to work some rough ideas out in public and see where they go...i have no clue...

i do know, however, that warm weather is on it's way and spring is coming soon. that excites me. it means that my adventurous, spontaneous self will be itching to go for some weekend road trips/day trips. that means that am sure to get some writing ideas. who knows, maybe i will branch out and throw some short stories in here and there. (never done that before...kinda makes me nervous, but maybe it's time to branch out??)

who knows! i am certain that more entertaining posts will come. right now i'm in a lull and i ask you to forgive me for that!

until next time...

words

thought: choose your words wisely

we've all heard the quotes and sayings talking about how important words are. it seems like i am always hearing "choose your words wisely". and i do, for the most part. i place a high value on words and i take great care in picking them....

...except when, you know, i talk before i think....

i love it though when i get one word texts. text messages in general can be difficult to discern. meanings can get lost and some of those abbreviations are confusing. but every so often, a single word will pop up and the exact meaning of the word is known. no translation needed.

after watching the Academy Awards last night and hearing their speeches, it, again, made me think about the power of words. the winners have a set amount of time to thank everyone who made it possible for them to win the award or who made their performance possible. if they slip up, pause to laugh or receive an applause their precious time gets cut short and they miss out. the music starts and its sorry charlie, your time is up, get off my stage.

these people gotta know who they want to thank and in what order. they need to choose their words.

it isn't an easy task, picking words. in fact it down right sucks sometimes. then there is the inflection of the words. i can say "yes" a million different ways. sometimes it means "yes" other times it means "no" "i don't care" or "seriously, you want me to do what??"

then again, sometimes the words are perfect and the timing isn't. example. have you ever said "i love you" to anyone who isn't family or a close friend and gotten a blank stare back as the response? how often do we see this scenario in tv or the movies? all the time. at some point in our lives, we have been on either side of this statement. (me? i've been on the receiving end. i responded with a blank stare.)

i guess what i'm trying to say is that words make a world of difference so watch what you say....

an ode to dad and mom

thought: There is no such cozy combination as man and wife. - Menander

for the second time this week, i'm thinking about love...and marriage. today is my parent's anniversary and i was trying to think of a creative way to wish them a happy one.

i decided to do the best (and cheapest) thing possible...dedicate my facebook status to them.

thoughtful, right?

i wanted to make it creative though. not just a typical "happy anniversary! thanks for being a wonderful example of a married couple." which, they are. i took to looking for a quote about marriage. there were several wonderfully written ones. several cheesy ones. several profound ones. i wanted to find something that represented my parents well. it was a toss up between something by James Dobson and comedian, Rita Rudner.

rita won.

the status is this: I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - rita rudner. happy anniversary dad and mom! i love you guys!

if you know my parents you know how funny this is. their relationship is made of many things (and many years!). but one of the biggest things i see in it is humor. my parents know how to take a joke. and how to play joke on each other. oh the stories my siblings and i could tell of the practical jokes played by our parents.

their sense of humor together is great too. the creative genius between them is something rarely seen in couples. i've seen my parents write sketches, gather the props, rehearse, and perform them...all in about a 12hour time span. when it comes to costume parties, dad and mom can't be beat. give them a song and a parody will be written...then choreographed...then recorded, costumed, and taught to us kids for a performance. (all in the same week!)

if you haven't guessed, when my parent's do something, they do it big.

explains a lot about me, doesn't it?

seriously though, my parents met when they were 15 and 16 years old. they've been together longer than they've been apart. every year i see them love each other more and more...and it never ceases to amaze me. i really enjoy watching them...and seeing how they handle things. i'm taking notes. i'm not so sure how i'm going to react when my kids call me at 11pm saying they've been rear-ended, the guy got away, and now the car won't start...oh, and that tuition is due in a week. but i know how my parents reacted. thankfully, it was with grace.

i've seen them bend over backwards for their kids, family, and friends. my parents know how to give...and serve. i don't know of anyone who would say a bad word about them. they are beyond cool.

then again, i'm biased.

i've always been a daddy's girl. i love it when we're able to catch each other and talk. doesn't happen much now that i'm older and our schedules are totally different. but i sure do love talking to and hanging out with my daddy.

mom and i have always talked too. the older i've gotten, the better the conversation has become. i'm blessed to see her everyday at work...

...and that i can shop in her closet when i want something different to wear!

i wouldn't trade my parents for the world. they are two of the most amazing people i have ever met. watching them with each other is a treat. i'm excited to see what their future holds. between a wedding and all four of their kids being in their 20s, this year alone will be epic.

happy anniversary dad and mom. i love you guys and would be lost without you. thanks for all the advice, always listening to me, and still telling me to make my bed and take out the trash. it all means the world to me.

that's amore

thought: love is in the air...

or so, hallmark is trying to make people think it is. yes, it's that time of year ladies and gents... February 14th is seven days away.

but don't worry, this isn't a hate blog about valentine's day...nor is it a hint for anyone who reads my posts...just simply some observations.

personally, i think valentine's day is a sweet gesture. i mean, i know plenty of guys who forget about birthdays or anniversaries or other important dates. this one if hard to miss, however. stores are decked out in pink, red, and white hearts. the flower, candy, and card commercials are abundant as are the jewelry ones. the only way to miss it is if you're living under a rock.

let's face it, i'm a bit of a sap so i get into the whole flower, candy jewelry thing. there was a time when i thought ill of the whole thing, found it silly even. but the older i get, the more i really think it's sweet...even if it is a hallmark holiday. people want to know that they are loved, thought well of, and cared for. is that too much to ask? i think not.

have i ever had a valentine? nope. mom gets us a card every year and it lists all of the things she loves about us...i don't count that (love ya mom, but aren't you obligated to tell me how great i am??). i think, maybe, i'm holding out.

you know what's funny is that i'm listening to love songs while typing this. there is a cheesy smile on my face and i'm thinking back, remembering, seeing friends fall in love and find their forever

valentine. it was a very cool thing to witness.

love is one of my favorite topics to write about. the stories are abundant. they end sweetly...or not. they can be happy or sad. uplifting or outraging. predictiable or unpredictable. you never know really...and everyone has one. it's a universal thing that everyone, to some extent, can relate to. i think that's why i'm a fan of February 14th. it's a free, totally acceptable day to love people without question.

valentine's day can be celebrated with anyone you care for...not just that special, romantic relationship. i've spent several with friends, out at dinner, laughing up a storm...and those were the best. i was with people i really loved being with. eventually, i will have the rest of my life to be with my forever valentine. and, i'm sure, so will many of you who may happen to read this.

so, with all of this love in the air, make the most of it. if you have a special someone, let them know how much you care. if you don't, well, call your friends, strike up the band and have a ball. but for the skeptics, you may have a point, you know. this whole thing could be overrated...kind of like a kiss at the stroke of midnight for the new year.

or not. i'm a sap, remember.

whatever your situation, share the love. buy chocolates for yourself...buy flowers and give them to random people. it's a day of love. share it.

it got me

thought: no matter how hard you try, sometimes "it" wins

when i wrote last time, it was about fear. well, today, i let fear get the best of me. my attitude today was very different than it has been the past few days. i knew as soon as i woke up that i didn't want to fight it...so i let my guard down and gave in.

i felt like junk too.

defeated.

defeated is definitely how i felt.

but then i was reminded that i am loved. not only by people on earth but by Someone who knows every fiber of my being. there is a Creator who has a hand on all that i do. my Bible study is going through a book about myths that Christians often believe. the first one is that once you become a believer you're life is trial and tribulation free. our example was Joseph. think about it, guy was betrayed by his brothers...his family... then sold as a slave. He then picked up the pieces only to be falsely accused of rape and spent time in prison. He was there for a while, helped some people who forgot about him but ultimately he rose to a position of great power.

joseph never gave up on God. the bible never mentions anything about him questioning his circumstances. it seems like he just went along with it and was alright with his life.

i'm not so certain i could hold my composure like joseph did. actually, i know i couldn't. if you know me, you know that i often wear my emotions on my sleeve. what does that mean? if i'm happy you can tell. tired? written all over my face. mad? buddy, you better run. and if you can't tell, then allow me to recommend my optometrist. he's great.

seriously though, how joseph did what he did, i don't know. but i do know that the same person he clung to, had faith in, and didn't run from is with me as well. and, as funny as it sounds, i forget that sometimes. in the last post i said something about using the one i can't see to fight something i can't see. when my wits finally came to me, i did. i ran. things changed. i knew i would be fine. just had to put my heart and mind where they should have been in the first place.

so here i am, at the end of my day. not sure what tomorrow will bring but i am ready for it. i am ready for whatever will be thrown at me. i experienced some major fear and defeat today. but not tomorrow. tomorrow is a new day and i am going to approach it head on.

i can't be stopped.

God can't be stopped.

fear

thought: what is there to be afraid of?

i have always had a fear of heights. as long as i could remember, i've been afraid of being up in the air. not quite sure where it stems from and it has gotten better...but boy oh boy has it gotten the best of me.

we were planning a family trip to disneyland. i said i wasn't going to go because i didn't want to fly.

going to the top of the space needle, i cried. (i also thought my parents actually believed me that time and were going to leave me at the bottom by myself...which made me cry too! they didn't, by the way. i heard dad say 2 adult and 3 children's tickets. turns out, children under 5 were free.)

this fear has deprived me of some really cool things. like not looking out the view of a light house because i didn't want to climb to the top.

it has taught me things too...i did some high ropes courses and showed myself it was possible to complete it without breaking down.

i used to not ride roller coasters. i love them now.

i also love to fly.

what changed? not much, i don't think. i shudder thinking about climbing a ladder and don't like working on a catwalk (not the runway, model kind). i know i am safe, but i still have this irrational fear.

maybe, what has changed is my perspective on fear. maybe, i have experienced things that can really hold people captive to the fear. i'm not saying my fear of heights is anything less than it is or was. it was a very real thing. but i have learned to manage it. notice i said "manage" not "deal". those are two different things.

as i have gotten older, i have faced uncertainty in various areas. the "normal" things someone my age would face, i suppose. but what about the not so normal? one could say i have faced some not so normal things for someone at my stage in life. is it okay to be afraid of those things?

i have tried not to let that fear grip me. i have tried not to let my circumstances take over and hold me back. i think i have begun to live more if anything. or have tried, at least.

reading all of my past posts, one could make the argument that i have lived. i'm fairly honest in the posts...paint a good picture, i think. though, and i said this to someone earlier, that i am vague when i write as well. i covered the topic of transparency before...and there are some posts where it is quite obvious what i am writing about. but for the most part, i try to keep it neutral. that way it appeals to anyone...and i am able to get the idea off my chest.

have i been to neutral though? or have i been to descriptive? what if i have described things so vividly that i have attracted some unwanted attention? what if said unwanted attention is a computer wiz and can figure out my ISP address and find me.

thats a legit fear...which i never really thought about before...but, it probably stemmed from watching bits and pieces of the bodyguard last week. Whitney's character had a stalker. hence the reason she needed a bodyguard. (anyone want to be my Kevin Costner?)

will it make me delete the blog? no. i'm not too concerned about that. being a verbal person, blogging is a good thing for me. and if someone stumbles on this blog and gets some benefit from it, then, as a writer, i've done my job.

but back to the fear thing...dude, i have experienced some heavy stuff. some scary stuff. i've learned, however, that the only way through it is Faith. why not use something you cannot see to defeat something you cannot see?

having fantastic support helps as well. but, people can tell you all the right things all day long and if you don't believe them what good is it? going up those high ropes courses, people encouraged me. it was nice, but honestly, it didn't do much. if i didn't want to climb that tree and jump off i wasn't going to. you can tell me "you go girl" "it's easy, just move your feet" or "it's not that bad" all day long, but if i don't want to move, people, i ain't movin'.

stubborn? yes. determined not to live my life in fear? definitely.

so as i learn to face new fears in life, i keep in mind that i really have no reason to be afraid. i have a safe harbor that i can stay in. if i shift my perspective and look at it the way He looks at it, then i can overcome it.

i don't want to live my fear's life. i want to live my life.

song of the year

thought: i think i found my song of the year!

Christmas has come and gone.

The new year was brought in.

And now, I learn today that 5% of this year is already over.

Crazy.

"crazy" is actually a good word to describe the year thus far. i have been up and i have been down. i have spent hours laughing and hours crying. i have seen a bright future and i have seen a dismal one.

so what does all of that have to do with my song of the year? and how can i be so sure i have found it so soon? usually, my song of the year hits me in July...this year, i found it on January 16th. i heard it on 3 different radio stations in about 3 hours. it was nuts. i mean, every time i hear this song i get pumped. i laugh. i sing. i dance. it's fun...

..and totally cheesy. it's one of those songs that people hear the first line and then belt out the next line.

yes, i'm talking about the 1981 hit "Don't Stop Believin'"!

...i can almost hear the laughter and feel the judgement of people reading this now. i think it's kind of funny, actually.

if you look at the anthem of the song, it talks about pushing on. and with the start my 2011 has had, that is exactly what i am going to do. i'm not going to stop believing. i'm not going to lose heart. not going to lose faith.

besides, it really is fun to dance to.

Don't Stop!