here we are again

thought: there is no possible way to understand why things happen...you just have to have faith...

here i am again with the question of "why" or "what is going on". so many things have been popping up out of the blue and they don't make sense. i have tried to wrap my mind around them and have tried to process them but can't. that's the frustrating part, not being able to understand why or what is going on. that is when the faith part comes in. for a person who is independent and grew up doing things for herself that is the hard part. not being in control or at least having a clue as to what the plan is sucks sometimes. i mean don't get me wrong, surprises are great...but when life throws you a curve ball and there isn't a thing you can do...man oh man does that confuse the heck out of me. it is almost like it is planned...when you think you have it all figured out..BAM it changes without warning.

so the faith kicks in and you are fully dependent on the Lord. but what do you do when that doesn't seem like it's enough? cry? get mad? stop having hope? i mean really, when you are at wits end with something what do you do? when you want to be proactive about it...where do you go? who can you run to? time and time again, i have found that there is only one place to run. and when you get there, you either end up on your knees or on your face. and tears are involved but not mandatory.

i want to know why things are happening yet i don't. i like not knowing and going with it...but here lately, i have been looking up and just asking why. one of my friends put it this way "omg wtf". i don't think there is a better way to phrase things at the moment...granted life is horrible but things are popping up into mine, my families, and friends lives that make us stop in our tracks and wonder what is going on.

maybe when i figure things out i will share my secret...no, actually i won't. that wouldn't be any fun at all.