this is how it feels

thought: encouragement from friends and family can push you past fear

a few times this week i have cried because i didn't know what else to do. and every time i was worried, a friend or family member came along (not knowing i was down) and encouraged me.

it's amazing how knowing that someone has your back gives you confidence. it is even better when you tell them what's going on in your life and they immediately jump on finding a solution.

this has happened to me countless times this week...i mentioned something that was going on and several people did some research about it or they told me to pursue an answer. what would i have done without these people?

well, i probably would still be hobbling around.

you never know the impact you have on someone. even the smallest gestures make big differences. knowing that i have people there for me helped me to get over being worried and to keep on truckin'. these people will never know how much i love and adore them. nor is there a way i can thank them enough for simply being there for me. i'm going to try my best to be there for them as much as they are for me. if that is the only way i can thank these people, then i'm gonna do it. not because i feel obligated...but because if i can give them the same encouragement they gave me, then i will feel, um, complete? is that a good word?

all that being said...for the first time in a while i know how it feels to be pain free. it's all thanks to those amazing people who told me i didn't have to worry...

restless

thought: something is stirring inside of me and soon i won't be able to contain it

the past few days i have been stir crazy. i know why, yet i don't. a few things have been going on. nothing major...HA...well some would say they are major. but i'm not worried about them. which is odd. i feel like i should be...

....but something is stirring in my soul...i'm tired of where i'm at and am hungry for more of God...

i was able to sit in a church service today. i love it. i was able to worship my Creator. same thing happened Friday night...i was able to worship. i go to church Sunday nights and its great. i really get a lot from the services...yet something is lacking and i know what it is. i've always known. i'm not worshipping how i want to. i am not fully giving my all to Him and surrendering, thanking, praising, rejoicing in the fact that He is my King.

but this morning in church, i didn't care. i was ready to burst out of my seat. then the message spoke to me and part of the topic played out in me tonight.

as i was in worship this evening, i was suddenly overwhelmed by His presence. i wasn't able to sing...so what did i do? threw my arms in the air and praised my King. then He challenged me and I know that something is going to happen. i don't know what, but He is going to do something. i'm afraid...nervous...ready...willing...anxious....

a hunger was re-birthed in me today...i never saw it coming. i want more...i want more of God. I wasn't expecting this to happen. every word preached; every song sang they were picked out for me. God knew what He was doing well before i made my plans for today. He knew what i needed to hear...what i needed to see. His peace overwhelmed me today and my fears and worry left. so much so that i have almost been moved to tears all day and now, in my room where no one can see me, i am letting them flow. it's not that i don't want people to see me cry but if they did they would assume it was over something else. God's goodness has overtaken me and right now there is no other way to express it.

i cannot describe how i feel right now. a weight has been lifted. yes, i am sitting here with a heating pad on my knee because it is hurting. and yes, i will need to put my wrist braces on here soon. and yes, i will probably have to take something to take the inflammation down in my body...but i'm not afraid. He is cradling me in His arms. the pain is still in my body and it is very real...but my fear is gone. He has it all under control and i'm not afraid.

what about the other piece of "discouraging news" i got today? i knew it was coming and i saw it happen. He keeps telling me to wait...my time will come. i'm not worried about that either. every time i think about it i give to Him and the most amazing feeling of peace takes over. my life is in His hands. He has set me on a certain path and i will not get in the way...

i'm just fine. i'm ready. i'm willing. i'm waiting. i'm restless.

"Lord, do something in me...through me...now...soon" "Be patient," He tells me. 2010 cannot get here soon enough. He is going to do something...i can feel it...i'm hungry God...i want more of You...

this weekend is going to be great. i need it. He will be there...things are going to happen...never before have i enjoyed being restless....

look out for the one on the left

thought: girls are vicious

...and competitive...and will take you out if you get in their way.

seriously, inside every woman is this sense of competition with one another. when we are young, do don't realize it's there. but the older we get and the more aware of it we are, the worse it gets. for real. i began to notice this a few years ago. it hit me that all women see each other as competition. once i realized that, it did make life easier...and it was easier to spot it within myself and to catch it.

why? because this competition brings on bitterness, jealously, and ruins friendships. really is it worth a friendship to be in competition with another chick? no. trust me, i've been down that road. it's not fun and leaves you feeling alone.

lately, i will admit, i've been feeling a bit of competition. i've never felt it like this before. and every time i do, i slap myself on the wrist and tell myself to get a grip. i have no reason to feel this way - really i don't. so why do i drop into them? well, no one is perfect. thankfully i am reminded that my time will come...that is what i tell myself all the time now. that phrase is plastered in my mind. as i'm learning to be patient, i'm also learning to surrender more and more of my life to Him.

yes, i've grown up in church and know that i must do this...but i keep finding new areas that i need to give up. He has a plan...and it will be amazing when He decides to show me more of it...it's all in His timing. He has not failed me thus far...

and until that time, i need to stop thinking so foolishly and focus. i am here to do His work not to play some stupid girlie game in which i snuff out my opponents to win a "prize" (even though we all know i could totally win....what? i couldn't help it...) c'mon, i have more to live for than that...He has placed me here for more than that.

but what about the other girls who see me as competition and try to snuff me out? i will be nice to them and love them as best i can. as long as i'm myself and don't fall into those games, who can fault me?

and if i get snuffed out, i get snuffed out. so be it. my time will come. i will know when that time is. as i patiently wait, i will not play the competitive girlie games....at least i will try not to...it's so hard...yes, it is easier said than done!

but He will not let me fail....

it's always worse when you're tired

thought: your parents made you go to bed for a reason

it doesn't matter who you are but when you don't get enough sleep, your life becomes an array of emotions. not subtle ones either...it's one extreme or the other. yet, when you go to bed and sleep, you wake up refreshed and ready to start the day....the emotional roller coaster is gone gone gone...

i had a long weekend. both friday and saturday nights i was awake (or out) past 2am. it was a fun weekend and i loved it. however, today at 6am my body did not love and i did not love the sound of my alarm. but i got up and trudged to the shower. i knew that i was the one who had given up sleep for something "better". so i took note to be sure to stay level headed and to keep myself in check. this usually isn't a problem until i'm really tired. then i get agitated super easy.

some friends and i were talking about how we get when we are tired. the range of mental states was down right loony to so blah you'd make a snail bored. (guess which one i am!) ok, ok, so maybe we didn't talk about that exactly but that's the observation i made.

i know that i will have more days like today. when i didn't sleep enough and go through the day groggy and throbbing. (why throbbing? thats another blog) but if i can make i through and not go crazy about things then i will have done just fine. even now i am telling myself that things will all be good and am trying to not cry....but not in that cry myself to sleep sort of way...more of like a pity party sort of way....and i despise pity parties....

nonetheless - go to bed. please. do it for yourself...and the rest of us. you may end up way more pleasant.

[insert excited girlie scream and dance here]

thought: sometimes you can't contain your excitement and you just have to let it out

i had a girlie moment today. i got a phone call and when i was done i screamed and jumped around. then i ran through the house yelling something like "he called. guess who called. he called!"

extreme? maybe. but girls do this all the time. this is the first time i've ever done this. normally i can keep it cool but no. this one is different. it's hard to explain.

maybe i'm losing my mind though. i mean is each one worse than the last? no, i don't think so. yet it feels like it. i don't know what i'm going to do. i really don't.

only prayer can get the through this.

only God can get me through this.

i'm reading a new book by the way. it's amazing...and it's about dating. maybe the best one i've ever read. one of my friends is letting me borrow it and our small group is going to use it for study. i cannot wait. maybe it will help me with some of these emotions.

or maybe it won't.

i did have fun tonight running around like an idiot.

i cheated

thought: i think it's a guilty pleasure?

yes, dear blog, i cheated on you and have been a lot lately. with what you ask? an old fashioned pen and notebook.

i have been writing in a notebook instead of blogging some days. actually, i do this rather frequently. i have several notebooks that i write in for different things. most recently the "notes for my relationship book" notebook has been the culprit. i come up with so many ideas and i jot them down in there. some of them are really good thoughts and are ones i could post here...but i don't. please forgive me.

i will tell you, however, that some of my blogs will go into said book if i ever decide to actually publish it.

writing is a guilty pleasure of mine i think...perhaps i should look up the term to be sure i'm using it correctly...

nope, i misused it according to urban dictionary. granted, i kinda knew that i was.

anyway - i write because i like to do it. i don't act so much any more and sometimes it's hard to ride a bike or walk/run so i turn to writing. even when it hurts to write, i do it. in my room there are pages and pages filled with ideas, songs, stories, sketches...anything i can think of goes down on paper. deep down i know that if i really worked at it, i could have something published. but also deep down i know that if i wanted i could be an actress or be in a band too.

but do i desire them?

that is a question i don't think i can answer. i mean, i know that i desire to be the woman God created me to be and i desire to have a family. but do i desire to be famous?

no. i don't. not in those ways at least.

i think it would be cool to have something published. maybe a book of my sketches. it would be cool to put out a record. it would be cool to be in a play and act my brains out.

secretly, i would like to be known for my blog. i will say that...i would even say that it is a guilty pleasure.

what are some of my other guilty pleasures?

why if i told you, they wouldn't be fun any more.

besides, i've already revealed too much tonight. 1) i cheat on my blog. 2) i want to be known for my blog. 3) ...well i'm sure a third reason is in here somewhere!

i will try to be more faithful my darling blog. really i will. but if i'm not, don't hold it against me. i am only retreating back to what i have grown up doing...writing with an actual pen, paper, and no spell check.

my time will come

thought: being patient just plain sucks

the other day i was praying over a matter that i will not disclose...but i am sure that you can take a guess...oh shoot, i will just tell you...yes, it was about a boy..guy..man..whatever...i was praying about my future (not with this guy...it wasn't one of those "oh let him marry me" things...i did that before and well, that's a whole different blog!). anyway, i was praying and being frustrated because that is what you do when you are single and young and wanting to do more with your life than what you are currently doing. when, while driving to lunch, that my time will come...

...and when it does, it will be amazing!

so that got me to thinking about patience. i am not a patient person. some may think that i am, but that is because i work with kids and have learned the art of being patient. when it comes to my own life, however, i like to be in the know and going high speed most of the time...if not high speed then knowing what i am going to do next (combine that with a person who loves being spontaneous and you get a hot mess...quite amazing how my brain works sometimes!). i decided to google quotes about patience and after going through a few websites, i decided to post some that i found to be my favorite...

Patience and passage of time do more than strength and fury.
- Jean de la Fontaine

Patience, that blending of moral courage with physical timidity.
- Thomas Hardy

People in a hurry cannot think, cannot grow, nor can they decay. They are preserved in a state of perpetual puerility.
- Eric Hoffer

Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.
- Comte de Buffon

...i think this is my favorite:
The slow rhythm of waiting.
- Adrian Cowell

Some of these hit home...really hit home...but they all speak to me...

but what does the Bible say about patience? a quick look in my concordance and it looks like most of the passages deal with waiting on the Lord. which is what i'm doing right now. you see, i told Him that I want to finish school completely before I even think about starting another relationship...and while I know that is only a few months away, I also know that it will seem like forever...especially if i'm interested in someone. so what do i do?

I wait.

and, secretly, i have prayed that it will wait until then..as much as i don't want to wait...i know that it will be the best thing for me...and i already talked to Him about this. we talked about it a year ago. He knows where I stand and I think I know where He stands...it's hard with the Lord sometimes. especially if you don't take time to listen. anyway - i am waiting for my time.

it wasn't really until last year that I got the desire to get married. I always knew that it would happen but I never really thought it would. I have always been very career minded and independent. i wanted to be Jennifer Lopez in the Wedding Planner. Work, work, work, go home, have a cute apartment, maybe a dog, workout some, and then work, work, work some more. I knew that I would be happy. But then last spring/summer, something changed. I began to watch all of those wedding shows and started to plan a wedding in my head (what? all girls do.). I knew that it would happen and I couldn't wait. I thought I met the guy...but turned out it was only a step in the process. Now, here I am a year later, still wanting to get married, but this summer, I got hit with the desire to be a mom.

Yes. That's right. I can't wait to have kids.

Actually, let's back up. In the spring, I got the "I want to have my own house to come home to. A place I can raise a family, decorate, and entertain in" bug.

Then I got hit with the desire to be a mommy. I know that one day I am going to have kids and have an awesome family.

That got me wondering what the learning process for that one will be like. I mean really, there was a lot of heartache over the getting married one...not bad heartache, just frustrating heartache. But there was also a sense of peace in the entire situation.

So here I am. Trying to be patient. Waiting on His timing. Going through my days wondering when it's all going to happen. For someone who likes to go, go, go, this is difficult. But I am also loving the fact that I am slowing down and enjoying the time and the moments. They are all very precious to me!

OH! Speaking of timing, my friend that I wrote about in my last post, spoke to the person she was "hooked on" that very night I blogged. it was all in His timing. mind you, it had nothing to do with the blog...just a coincidence. but, she told this person she was praying for them and the Lord definitely took control of the situation. it's so amazing how He works.

I stand in awe of Him all the time...I stand in awe and I wait...I will wait and be patient. Why? Because when my time comes, it will be amazing.

i'd rather be hooked on phonics....

thought: why oh why do we get hooked on things that "waste" our time?

recently, a friend of mine has been "hooked" on someone. but it is "hooked" in a different way. she does not have a crush on this person, stalks them on facebook, or even googles them. her "hook" comes from a different source: God.

sometimes, the Lord places on the hearts of His people a burden to pray for someone they know. at times it is a joy to pray for these people..at other times it is so frustrating that you throw your hands up in the air and ask "why me God? what did i do to get this 'honor'?" (yes, there is all sorts of sarcasm layered in that!)

i experienced this once. a burden was laid on my heart to pray for this person and it wasn't general prayers, they were very specific. many nights of sleep were lost due praying...and don't even want to talk about how much this person made me cry. UGH! i wondered why it was me praying for this person. then it hit me, i knew what to pray. by having the relationship i did with this person i knew so much about their circumstances that it was easy to pray for them.

it is still unclear to me why i had a burden for this person and at times, they will randomly pop into my mind and i will pray for them. maybe i am supposed to keep praying for them?

but what about my friend? why is she praying for this person she is "hooked"on? we don't know but He does. i wish i could give her the answers and tell her that it is going to be alright and that this time may pass...but i can't. the only thing i could tell her was that when the timing is right she will be able to go to this person and tell them, in person, that she is praying for them. it will totally be one of those "God Moments", you know, the ones when you feel the Spirit prompting you to talk to someone and you don't want to but you know that if you don't you will get kicked in the pants. well, anyway, i told her that she will know when the timing is right and the words she is supposed to say will spill from her mouth and God will take total control of the situation.

and if the person refuses to accept the fact that you are praying for them? well, that's when you call 1-800-abcdefg and get yourself hooked on phonics....