i didn't fall down

thought: never thought that day would come

i graduated on Thursday. never thought it would come...but it did. it's still a but surreal that i won't be going back to school in january but then again i'm ready to be done...

....for a while. i already planned my second degree. if i decide to get one that is. we will see.

but yeah, when i was a kid, i didn't think i would see this day...shoot, i didn't think i would see high school graduation. its only because i didn't think that far in advance. now that i'm, um, more mature, I am definitely thinking about the future.

it's weird.

on a completely different point, i didn't trip or fall during graduation!

disgusted

thought: simply put, i just don't care.

in my last post, i wrote about motivation...or more my lack of motivation. i am at the end of school and i don't care. i have been in school since i was 4 years old...almost 20 years later i'm still in. i am ready to be done.

i don't care if i flunk my classes...i'm still going to graduate. so what if i don't have a minor. i may go back in a few years to get a second degree anyway.

what's sad is that i am sure one day i will look back and wish i cared more. seriously though, i pushed my self all through college and now i am tired. all i have to do is one research project that i should have started a month ago and 3 finals. i could care less about the project.

i have never felt like this before. i'm disgusted with myself. but i don't mind that so much either. i am numb right now. my body hurts. my mind is frustrated. room is a wreck. i can't think. i really just want to cry. throw my hands up and cry. i just don't care and i'm making myself sick. i have never felt like this before. normally i can kick out a project in a few nights and it's decent. and i'm motivated. with this, i could care less...

...and that scares me. what's happened to me? where is my ambition and drive? i've let other things take over who i am...things that have probably been keeping me sane with how busy i am. but right now, in this moment, i just want to curl up and sleep. don't want to leave the house or look at any more books, websites, or databases. i'm done.

do i really want a second degree? yes. i do.

there is my drive and ambition.

that's also why i'm taking time off between now and then. to make sure i really want to do that.

but what about right now? right now, i want to sleep, get a massage, ride my bike, or dance. not read. i want to be active but my body says no and my mind is trying to focus on research.

yet everything in me wants to throw it all away and give up. because there is something in me that doesn't care at all about this.

this is really gross. i never would have thought i would have this feeling. it's the worst ever.

motivation

thought: i should be motivated and ready to do this

my motivation lately has been odd. i am so close to finishing school and should be motivated to get done but i am so tired i don't even care. is that bad?

i think so.

where has my motivation gone? i've done well for so long in school that now i don't even care...i just want to be done.

next month can't come soon enough.

see, i'm even too tired to blog. this sucks.

i wanna rock

thought: we all want to be a rock star

lately i have been singing like crazy. i don't ever stop. any song on the radio, in the car, shower, that other people are singing or humming...i sing all the time....and i'm loud! i don't do it quietly, i'm a belt it out sort of girl.

i've always loved music and have loved to sing. when i hear a song for the first time, i can pick up the melody line and hum along pretty fast. i don't know where i got the ability to do that but it happens a lot.

am i a great vocalist? no. but i don't suck either. yet, it has always been a dream to be on stage and wow a crowd. i think a lot of people have had this dream. we all want to be actors or rock stars or athletes.

or maybe you want to be a CEO.

i don't know. but whatever you want to do, go for it. will i audition for American Idol? no way - but i will never stop singing.

game on

thought: what fun would life be without games?



growing up, i can safely assume that we all played games. they could have been board games, relays, video games, computer games...you get it right? well, i think that as we get older, we change the games we play.

recently i found that people like to play mind games. is it right? probably not. is it fun? you bet.

but why is it so fun? because some people are not that smart. yes, i have fallen prey to mind games, but most often i am watching them happen. and when they do, it is quite entertaining.

i feel bad for the person it is happening to...but i can't believe they don't see it happening.

so my advice to these people? wake up and pay attention.

Life Lessons

Thought: You live and you learn. But if you don’t live you will never learn.

Hello dear blog. It has been a while. I have much to say in this post. This past month has been full of living life and learning lessons. Many realizations were made and I am going to try to attempt to share them with you. I can only hope that I am able to convey what I want to say!
I guess it makes sense to start at the beginning of the month and work my way through. So if you are ready, let’s walk through October 2009.

At the beginning of the month I went on a beach trip. The trip was amazing and something I definitely needed. I cried a lot though. You see, people are frustrating and downright annoying sometimes. “Well, yes” you’re thinking. Seriously though, I don’t think I will ever understand this one particular person or what they think. While on this trip, this person stared at me…like hard core watched my every move. What’s up with that? It wouldn’t be so bad but homeboy has a girlfriend! I can totally understand if you have a girlfriend and want to ignore me…or if you want to be a player and flirt with me. But taking no action and just staring? Dude, c’mon. I can feel your eyes burning holes through my body. Knowing that this was happening and that there wasn’t a thing I could do about it frustrated the heck out of me. So much so that I broke down a few times when it happened. Not knowing what else to do, I grabbed my bike, iPod, and pedaled around the island we were on. Riding, I came to several conclusions:
1. No matter what homeboy’s actions are, if I am myself no one can fault me for that. It doesn’t matter how he acts toward me as long as I don’t do anything to lead him on or make people think I am trying to take him away from his girlfriend. I’m not. I don’t want to do that. That is the worst possible thing I could ever do. Besides I think the girl he’s with is amazing.
2. Kelly Clarkson is amazing. I listened to her albums (I own all 4…you know you do too!) while riding and let me tell ya, I can’t get enough. Several of her songs convey how I felt that weekend.

After coming to those realizations, I went on a quest and asked several guys I know what they thought of homeboy’s behavior. They all have come to the conclusion that he must feel something for me. Worst part? This has been going on for a month…if it was for a little while I may have been okay with it. Then I didn’t know if I should be flattered or not. Now? I try to ignore it….but I can’t. So I am doing only what I know how to do: be myself and live my life. If someone wants to watch my every move so be it. At least I am having fun knowing that I am living life to the fullest.

Which brings me to a new topic: spending time with your girlfriends laughing is one of the best things ever. There are certain moments in life when you need to get dressed up, go out and laugh your head off. Not only does this bring you closer to your friends, but laughing is a great medicine. It fixes anything and takes your mind off of everything.

Going out with the girls, proved to make many memories…many of which I can’t describe. Not because they are inappropriate but because they probably don’t make sense to anyone but us! Our best moments have happened in restaurants when we get looks from wait staff or in Barnes and Noble when we were told we were a fire hazard. Some of them have been in IHOP taking pictures of our breakfast or while dancing the Cupid Shuffle. If you ask, I will attempt to tell you the stories. I will also attempt to do so without laughing.

Speaking of laughing, a friend made the remark to me the other day that had I not made some major changes last year at this time I probably wouldn’t have laughed as much as I have in the past year. October 2008 was a somewhat challenging month. I was in a relationship and thought that I was going to marry the guy. That, however, did not happen. We decided to end it. The night it happened was difficult. Through the pain, tears, and other emotions raging, I knew that it was the best decision (whether it was mine to make or not) I had ever done. Usually when one goes through a break-up they do not wake up the next morning singing hymns. That, um, ordeal changed me; it gave me a new lease on life and the decision was made to be the best I could be and to not be afraid to be in a relationship again. So since that time, I have allowed myself to have crushes. I have allowed myself to go through all of the girlie emotions and put myself out there. Let me tell you, there is no better confidence booster than rejection!

You must think I am a bit off my rocker by now. But by letting myself be interested in guys, and in most cases not have an interest returned, it made me almost determined to be more and more myself. Odd motivation? Perhaps. But it worked. I am completely and utterly confident in who I am. And I am not afraid to say it! Knowing this, made me value myself even more…

…which lead me to another realization this month. It is nice to get noticed for your looks or body but you can’t base a relationship on that. Well you can if you want it to be meaningless and unfulfilling. If you know me, then you know what I look like. Because this is a public blog, I’m not going to describe how I look…you can never be sure where the creepers are. HA! But I will say that I am somewhere between not needing a bag put over my head and Jennifer Aniston. Vague much? But being that I am somewhat decent looking (now I sound vain…nahh, it’s that confidence thing) guys are attracted to me for that reason alone. Normally I’m flattered because I never thought I looked good….but this time, it just pissed me off. Now, I’ve learned to ignore the cat calls and cheesy pick up lines…I’ve even went out with people thinking that they would go after me for my looks then fall in love with the real me…the quirky me…the smart me…and normally I am right. Not this time. One particular guy I ran into this month hadn’t seen me since August. Apparently he was smitten by my looks then…and this time was no different. We went out a few times and he was a nice guy. But quickly, I decided that he was only in it for my body. I didn’t think that he really wanted to get to know me…well, he did want to get to know me but not in the way I am talking about now. It started to make me mad after a certain point. Then it made me mad at guys in general…because they are kind of that way…all about wanting a girl’s body…and girls are totally different. We want to be respected and wanted for more than how we look. Being angry at all men lasted about 5 minutes though. Why? Because I caught myself checking out a guy. I didn’t want to feel hypocritical so I gave up on that one.

There has to be something else major I learned.

Oh yeah. There is.

If you are confident then you are sexy. And being “sexy” isn’t about posing the right way or wearing certain clothes. I get just as many looks in jeans and a hoodie as I do when I’m all dolled up. Being sexy is about having fun and not trying too hard. I have learned that when I try is when I fail. When I don’t care and have a fun is when I win. Seriously, that is applicable to every area of my life…especially my fantasy football team. I am kicking it and I haven’t done a thing! Anyway, when I am myself and not caring too much how others perceive me is when I get asked out or noticed. When I am trying to get noticed is when you’d think I was invisible. So I’ve come to the conclusion that sexy is being you. Thus making me sexy all the time because it is my life’s goal to be myself….

….and it just occurred to me that I essentially just said that it is my life’s goal to be sexy. That’s humorous right there…

All that being said, October taught me many things about life. Things that I am sharing with my friends and one day my kids…

….which reminds me – I also realized that I am in no rush to have a boyfriend or get hitched. I love my friends who are in relationships….that is awesome for them and they are totally happy. I wish them the best. But I know that I have some stuff to do before I settle down...granted, that makes it sound like I am going to go spread my wild oats and party it up but that is totally not what I mean. I like to think of it like I’m a missionary or something and have some work to do before I have a family. I say that knowing that everything I have experienced this month is preparing me for the time when I am supposed to settle down. I would rather learn all of this stuff about myself now while I am able to work on it and not hurt anyone instead of learning it and putting someone else through the hell of me not knowing who I am. That would be really bad. They get to know me thinking I am one person then they realize that I am not that way at all. Plus, my great-grandmother gave me some wise advice once. She asked if I had a boyfriend and when I told her I did not, she said “good, you’re young go out and have some fun”. Or something like that. She basically told me to enjoy my youth and to live while I am young. I will have the rest of my life to settle down. She was the first person to tell me it was okay to have fun and be single. I will never forget that.

I am quite certain that I am forgetting something. But, I think I will leave it be for now. Don't worry, I will not neglect blogging again for such a long time. I like it too much.

this is how it feels

thought: encouragement from friends and family can push you past fear

a few times this week i have cried because i didn't know what else to do. and every time i was worried, a friend or family member came along (not knowing i was down) and encouraged me.

it's amazing how knowing that someone has your back gives you confidence. it is even better when you tell them what's going on in your life and they immediately jump on finding a solution.

this has happened to me countless times this week...i mentioned something that was going on and several people did some research about it or they told me to pursue an answer. what would i have done without these people?

well, i probably would still be hobbling around.

you never know the impact you have on someone. even the smallest gestures make big differences. knowing that i have people there for me helped me to get over being worried and to keep on truckin'. these people will never know how much i love and adore them. nor is there a way i can thank them enough for simply being there for me. i'm going to try my best to be there for them as much as they are for me. if that is the only way i can thank these people, then i'm gonna do it. not because i feel obligated...but because if i can give them the same encouragement they gave me, then i will feel, um, complete? is that a good word?

all that being said...for the first time in a while i know how it feels to be pain free. it's all thanks to those amazing people who told me i didn't have to worry...

restless

thought: something is stirring inside of me and soon i won't be able to contain it

the past few days i have been stir crazy. i know why, yet i don't. a few things have been going on. nothing major...HA...well some would say they are major. but i'm not worried about them. which is odd. i feel like i should be...

....but something is stirring in my soul...i'm tired of where i'm at and am hungry for more of God...

i was able to sit in a church service today. i love it. i was able to worship my Creator. same thing happened Friday night...i was able to worship. i go to church Sunday nights and its great. i really get a lot from the services...yet something is lacking and i know what it is. i've always known. i'm not worshipping how i want to. i am not fully giving my all to Him and surrendering, thanking, praising, rejoicing in the fact that He is my King.

but this morning in church, i didn't care. i was ready to burst out of my seat. then the message spoke to me and part of the topic played out in me tonight.

as i was in worship this evening, i was suddenly overwhelmed by His presence. i wasn't able to sing...so what did i do? threw my arms in the air and praised my King. then He challenged me and I know that something is going to happen. i don't know what, but He is going to do something. i'm afraid...nervous...ready...willing...anxious....

a hunger was re-birthed in me today...i never saw it coming. i want more...i want more of God. I wasn't expecting this to happen. every word preached; every song sang they were picked out for me. God knew what He was doing well before i made my plans for today. He knew what i needed to hear...what i needed to see. His peace overwhelmed me today and my fears and worry left. so much so that i have almost been moved to tears all day and now, in my room where no one can see me, i am letting them flow. it's not that i don't want people to see me cry but if they did they would assume it was over something else. God's goodness has overtaken me and right now there is no other way to express it.

i cannot describe how i feel right now. a weight has been lifted. yes, i am sitting here with a heating pad on my knee because it is hurting. and yes, i will need to put my wrist braces on here soon. and yes, i will probably have to take something to take the inflammation down in my body...but i'm not afraid. He is cradling me in His arms. the pain is still in my body and it is very real...but my fear is gone. He has it all under control and i'm not afraid.

what about the other piece of "discouraging news" i got today? i knew it was coming and i saw it happen. He keeps telling me to wait...my time will come. i'm not worried about that either. every time i think about it i give to Him and the most amazing feeling of peace takes over. my life is in His hands. He has set me on a certain path and i will not get in the way...

i'm just fine. i'm ready. i'm willing. i'm waiting. i'm restless.

"Lord, do something in me...through me...now...soon" "Be patient," He tells me. 2010 cannot get here soon enough. He is going to do something...i can feel it...i'm hungry God...i want more of You...

this weekend is going to be great. i need it. He will be there...things are going to happen...never before have i enjoyed being restless....

look out for the one on the left

thought: girls are vicious

...and competitive...and will take you out if you get in their way.

seriously, inside every woman is this sense of competition with one another. when we are young, do don't realize it's there. but the older we get and the more aware of it we are, the worse it gets. for real. i began to notice this a few years ago. it hit me that all women see each other as competition. once i realized that, it did make life easier...and it was easier to spot it within myself and to catch it.

why? because this competition brings on bitterness, jealously, and ruins friendships. really is it worth a friendship to be in competition with another chick? no. trust me, i've been down that road. it's not fun and leaves you feeling alone.

lately, i will admit, i've been feeling a bit of competition. i've never felt it like this before. and every time i do, i slap myself on the wrist and tell myself to get a grip. i have no reason to feel this way - really i don't. so why do i drop into them? well, no one is perfect. thankfully i am reminded that my time will come...that is what i tell myself all the time now. that phrase is plastered in my mind. as i'm learning to be patient, i'm also learning to surrender more and more of my life to Him.

yes, i've grown up in church and know that i must do this...but i keep finding new areas that i need to give up. He has a plan...and it will be amazing when He decides to show me more of it...it's all in His timing. He has not failed me thus far...

and until that time, i need to stop thinking so foolishly and focus. i am here to do His work not to play some stupid girlie game in which i snuff out my opponents to win a "prize" (even though we all know i could totally win....what? i couldn't help it...) c'mon, i have more to live for than that...He has placed me here for more than that.

but what about the other girls who see me as competition and try to snuff me out? i will be nice to them and love them as best i can. as long as i'm myself and don't fall into those games, who can fault me?

and if i get snuffed out, i get snuffed out. so be it. my time will come. i will know when that time is. as i patiently wait, i will not play the competitive girlie games....at least i will try not to...it's so hard...yes, it is easier said than done!

but He will not let me fail....

it's always worse when you're tired

thought: your parents made you go to bed for a reason

it doesn't matter who you are but when you don't get enough sleep, your life becomes an array of emotions. not subtle ones either...it's one extreme or the other. yet, when you go to bed and sleep, you wake up refreshed and ready to start the day....the emotional roller coaster is gone gone gone...

i had a long weekend. both friday and saturday nights i was awake (or out) past 2am. it was a fun weekend and i loved it. however, today at 6am my body did not love and i did not love the sound of my alarm. but i got up and trudged to the shower. i knew that i was the one who had given up sleep for something "better". so i took note to be sure to stay level headed and to keep myself in check. this usually isn't a problem until i'm really tired. then i get agitated super easy.

some friends and i were talking about how we get when we are tired. the range of mental states was down right loony to so blah you'd make a snail bored. (guess which one i am!) ok, ok, so maybe we didn't talk about that exactly but that's the observation i made.

i know that i will have more days like today. when i didn't sleep enough and go through the day groggy and throbbing. (why throbbing? thats another blog) but if i can make i through and not go crazy about things then i will have done just fine. even now i am telling myself that things will all be good and am trying to not cry....but not in that cry myself to sleep sort of way...more of like a pity party sort of way....and i despise pity parties....

nonetheless - go to bed. please. do it for yourself...and the rest of us. you may end up way more pleasant.

[insert excited girlie scream and dance here]

thought: sometimes you can't contain your excitement and you just have to let it out

i had a girlie moment today. i got a phone call and when i was done i screamed and jumped around. then i ran through the house yelling something like "he called. guess who called. he called!"

extreme? maybe. but girls do this all the time. this is the first time i've ever done this. normally i can keep it cool but no. this one is different. it's hard to explain.

maybe i'm losing my mind though. i mean is each one worse than the last? no, i don't think so. yet it feels like it. i don't know what i'm going to do. i really don't.

only prayer can get the through this.

only God can get me through this.

i'm reading a new book by the way. it's amazing...and it's about dating. maybe the best one i've ever read. one of my friends is letting me borrow it and our small group is going to use it for study. i cannot wait. maybe it will help me with some of these emotions.

or maybe it won't.

i did have fun tonight running around like an idiot.

i cheated

thought: i think it's a guilty pleasure?

yes, dear blog, i cheated on you and have been a lot lately. with what you ask? an old fashioned pen and notebook.

i have been writing in a notebook instead of blogging some days. actually, i do this rather frequently. i have several notebooks that i write in for different things. most recently the "notes for my relationship book" notebook has been the culprit. i come up with so many ideas and i jot them down in there. some of them are really good thoughts and are ones i could post here...but i don't. please forgive me.

i will tell you, however, that some of my blogs will go into said book if i ever decide to actually publish it.

writing is a guilty pleasure of mine i think...perhaps i should look up the term to be sure i'm using it correctly...

nope, i misused it according to urban dictionary. granted, i kinda knew that i was.

anyway - i write because i like to do it. i don't act so much any more and sometimes it's hard to ride a bike or walk/run so i turn to writing. even when it hurts to write, i do it. in my room there are pages and pages filled with ideas, songs, stories, sketches...anything i can think of goes down on paper. deep down i know that if i really worked at it, i could have something published. but also deep down i know that if i wanted i could be an actress or be in a band too.

but do i desire them?

that is a question i don't think i can answer. i mean, i know that i desire to be the woman God created me to be and i desire to have a family. but do i desire to be famous?

no. i don't. not in those ways at least.

i think it would be cool to have something published. maybe a book of my sketches. it would be cool to put out a record. it would be cool to be in a play and act my brains out.

secretly, i would like to be known for my blog. i will say that...i would even say that it is a guilty pleasure.

what are some of my other guilty pleasures?

why if i told you, they wouldn't be fun any more.

besides, i've already revealed too much tonight. 1) i cheat on my blog. 2) i want to be known for my blog. 3) ...well i'm sure a third reason is in here somewhere!

i will try to be more faithful my darling blog. really i will. but if i'm not, don't hold it against me. i am only retreating back to what i have grown up doing...writing with an actual pen, paper, and no spell check.

my time will come

thought: being patient just plain sucks

the other day i was praying over a matter that i will not disclose...but i am sure that you can take a guess...oh shoot, i will just tell you...yes, it was about a boy..guy..man..whatever...i was praying about my future (not with this guy...it wasn't one of those "oh let him marry me" things...i did that before and well, that's a whole different blog!). anyway, i was praying and being frustrated because that is what you do when you are single and young and wanting to do more with your life than what you are currently doing. when, while driving to lunch, that my time will come...

...and when it does, it will be amazing!

so that got me to thinking about patience. i am not a patient person. some may think that i am, but that is because i work with kids and have learned the art of being patient. when it comes to my own life, however, i like to be in the know and going high speed most of the time...if not high speed then knowing what i am going to do next (combine that with a person who loves being spontaneous and you get a hot mess...quite amazing how my brain works sometimes!). i decided to google quotes about patience and after going through a few websites, i decided to post some that i found to be my favorite...

Patience and passage of time do more than strength and fury.
- Jean de la Fontaine

Patience, that blending of moral courage with physical timidity.
- Thomas Hardy

People in a hurry cannot think, cannot grow, nor can they decay. They are preserved in a state of perpetual puerility.
- Eric Hoffer

Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.
- Comte de Buffon

...i think this is my favorite:
The slow rhythm of waiting.
- Adrian Cowell

Some of these hit home...really hit home...but they all speak to me...

but what does the Bible say about patience? a quick look in my concordance and it looks like most of the passages deal with waiting on the Lord. which is what i'm doing right now. you see, i told Him that I want to finish school completely before I even think about starting another relationship...and while I know that is only a few months away, I also know that it will seem like forever...especially if i'm interested in someone. so what do i do?

I wait.

and, secretly, i have prayed that it will wait until then..as much as i don't want to wait...i know that it will be the best thing for me...and i already talked to Him about this. we talked about it a year ago. He knows where I stand and I think I know where He stands...it's hard with the Lord sometimes. especially if you don't take time to listen. anyway - i am waiting for my time.

it wasn't really until last year that I got the desire to get married. I always knew that it would happen but I never really thought it would. I have always been very career minded and independent. i wanted to be Jennifer Lopez in the Wedding Planner. Work, work, work, go home, have a cute apartment, maybe a dog, workout some, and then work, work, work some more. I knew that I would be happy. But then last spring/summer, something changed. I began to watch all of those wedding shows and started to plan a wedding in my head (what? all girls do.). I knew that it would happen and I couldn't wait. I thought I met the guy...but turned out it was only a step in the process. Now, here I am a year later, still wanting to get married, but this summer, I got hit with the desire to be a mom.

Yes. That's right. I can't wait to have kids.

Actually, let's back up. In the spring, I got the "I want to have my own house to come home to. A place I can raise a family, decorate, and entertain in" bug.

Then I got hit with the desire to be a mommy. I know that one day I am going to have kids and have an awesome family.

That got me wondering what the learning process for that one will be like. I mean really, there was a lot of heartache over the getting married one...not bad heartache, just frustrating heartache. But there was also a sense of peace in the entire situation.

So here I am. Trying to be patient. Waiting on His timing. Going through my days wondering when it's all going to happen. For someone who likes to go, go, go, this is difficult. But I am also loving the fact that I am slowing down and enjoying the time and the moments. They are all very precious to me!

OH! Speaking of timing, my friend that I wrote about in my last post, spoke to the person she was "hooked on" that very night I blogged. it was all in His timing. mind you, it had nothing to do with the blog...just a coincidence. but, she told this person she was praying for them and the Lord definitely took control of the situation. it's so amazing how He works.

I stand in awe of Him all the time...I stand in awe and I wait...I will wait and be patient. Why? Because when my time comes, it will be amazing.

i'd rather be hooked on phonics....

thought: why oh why do we get hooked on things that "waste" our time?

recently, a friend of mine has been "hooked" on someone. but it is "hooked" in a different way. she does not have a crush on this person, stalks them on facebook, or even googles them. her "hook" comes from a different source: God.

sometimes, the Lord places on the hearts of His people a burden to pray for someone they know. at times it is a joy to pray for these people..at other times it is so frustrating that you throw your hands up in the air and ask "why me God? what did i do to get this 'honor'?" (yes, there is all sorts of sarcasm layered in that!)

i experienced this once. a burden was laid on my heart to pray for this person and it wasn't general prayers, they were very specific. many nights of sleep were lost due praying...and don't even want to talk about how much this person made me cry. UGH! i wondered why it was me praying for this person. then it hit me, i knew what to pray. by having the relationship i did with this person i knew so much about their circumstances that it was easy to pray for them.

it is still unclear to me why i had a burden for this person and at times, they will randomly pop into my mind and i will pray for them. maybe i am supposed to keep praying for them?

but what about my friend? why is she praying for this person she is "hooked"on? we don't know but He does. i wish i could give her the answers and tell her that it is going to be alright and that this time may pass...but i can't. the only thing i could tell her was that when the timing is right she will be able to go to this person and tell them, in person, that she is praying for them. it will totally be one of those "God Moments", you know, the ones when you feel the Spirit prompting you to talk to someone and you don't want to but you know that if you don't you will get kicked in the pants. well, anyway, i told her that she will know when the timing is right and the words she is supposed to say will spill from her mouth and God will take total control of the situation.

and if the person refuses to accept the fact that you are praying for them? well, that's when you call 1-800-abcdefg and get yourself hooked on phonics....

you just know...

thought: as cliche' as it sounds, you really do "just know"

a friend asked me tonight to clarify something i mentioned to her the other day. i had said that i knew pretty much within the first 8 seconds of being alone with someone if it was going to work between us or not. how do i know? i'm not sure, but i just do. it is going to go one of three ways:
1. nothing at all
2. we could be great friends with potential later
3. this is totally going to work

i've had the first two several times. the last one is a bit harder to figure out, it takes more time. yet, you can easily figure out of there is something between you really quick. so that makes deciding between one and two insanely easy.

then i told her some of the things i looked for in those first few seconds:
-confidence
-body language (are they open or closed)
- are the engaged in what we are doing
- do i feel safe and protected around them, is he watching out for me

when i got home, i got to thinking more about it and decided that i was going to write some more things that help me when i'm factoring this. since i'm tired, i am just going to list them...describing them would take forever!

to be listened to and to feel like what is being said is being processed
for him not to be afraid to stand up and take the lead
to be able to have fun and be goofy
to have a good balance of both serious and meaningless conversations
to be able to laugh together and at each other
of course, i want them to be a Godly man and to lead a family like the Lord wants him to
to connect with each others family
to realize that my work is different and takes some getting used to
to minister together
to have an understanding of how each others jobs function
to have a hobby together

i think that's it...not a bad list if you ask me.

but still, how do i know? i'm not sure, i guess you find it out along the way. my friend asked me tonight how i felt about someone and i said that no red flags had gone up and that it looks like it is going okay for now. we are getting to know each other and from there we will see. i told her that the initial things were there (confidence, body language, engaged, feel safe) so that was good. but i really left her without an answer. it is different for everyone i suppose. i mean, those four things are somethings i think every woman should look for in a guy (number 5 being that he's a believer..actually that should be number one but whatever) so really that part is easy.

but when you know you know and when you don't know, you know. it's a gut feeling...unless you are in a situation where you lose all cognitive function when you are around a person...i would take that as a "you know".

what is my final suggestion? make your own list. that way you will have it set in stone...then maybe give a copy to someone you trust so that they can keep an eye out for you.

....and one more thing, try not to make the list when you have a crush. it may be a bit biased.

if i could turn back time

thought: why do fools fall in love? because they are, well, fools.

now, by the looks of this title and thought, it may seem like i am going to write about why love stinks and how i wish i could go back and re-do some relationships...but i'm not. i am going to talk about the strange things people do when they are in love...or like...or whatever with a person.

for example, i made a fool out of myself today when writing to a friend to ask them a simple question. the question was, however, about someone i am interested in so i was all jittery and could not get my thoughts straight and sounded like a blubbering idiot. why? because i am human and am not calm, cool, and collected all the time.

yes, level headed-ness goes out the door when you have a crush. or when you are in love. but when you have a crush, it almost seems like it is worse. why? let me tell you - 1) you don't know if the person feels the same way back so it's like you are having these reactions for possibly nothing and 2) well, i forgot 2 so let's move on...

if i could turn back time today, i would definitely go back and re-write that e-mail...or maybe not even send it at all. you see, when i am, uh, twitterpated? yes, thats a good word. i get frazzled and can't think...which then leads to being hesitant in decision making and once i make a decision i end up looking like a goof ball...then i realize what i did, try and go back to fix it and look even more stupid...it is a process yes.

i think we should all get one re-do a day...and if we don't use it we can keep it...like roll over minutes. that way when we mess up real bad we can pull ourselves out of it.

but then again, how much fun would that make life? i am sure that one day, i am going to tell my
children and grand-children all of my crazy stories where i wish i had a re-do but looking back at them, i'm glad i didn't because i learned something from them.

what did i learn today? never type when you are twitterpated.

HA. this just came to me...what if said person who makes me this way finds my blog? go figure that would be ironic...then i'd feel even more like a doof....oh well, this is a blog and i chose what goes on it so it would be up to me as far as the content goes.

oh well - i will keep on keepin' on...and will keep with the idea that people do crazy things when they are in love/like/ or see potential in someone. irrational things will be done and [hopefully] grace will be given.

here is to no re-dos and running with you heart not your head.

here we are again

thought: there is no possible way to understand why things happen...you just have to have faith...

here i am again with the question of "why" or "what is going on". so many things have been popping up out of the blue and they don't make sense. i have tried to wrap my mind around them and have tried to process them but can't. that's the frustrating part, not being able to understand why or what is going on. that is when the faith part comes in. for a person who is independent and grew up doing things for herself that is the hard part. not being in control or at least having a clue as to what the plan is sucks sometimes. i mean don't get me wrong, surprises are great...but when life throws you a curve ball and there isn't a thing you can do...man oh man does that confuse the heck out of me. it is almost like it is planned...when you think you have it all figured out..BAM it changes without warning.

so the faith kicks in and you are fully dependent on the Lord. but what do you do when that doesn't seem like it's enough? cry? get mad? stop having hope? i mean really, when you are at wits end with something what do you do? when you want to be proactive about it...where do you go? who can you run to? time and time again, i have found that there is only one place to run. and when you get there, you either end up on your knees or on your face. and tears are involved but not mandatory.

i want to know why things are happening yet i don't. i like not knowing and going with it...but here lately, i have been looking up and just asking why. one of my friends put it this way "omg wtf". i don't think there is a better way to phrase things at the moment...granted life is horrible but things are popping up into mine, my families, and friends lives that make us stop in our tracks and wonder what is going on.

maybe when i figure things out i will share my secret...no, actually i won't. that wouldn't be any fun at all.

I know I said I wouldn't ask "why"....

thought: sometimes you can't help but ask "why"

the whole having faith and completely trusting in God is very difficult. yes, i wrote about it last night but then today something happened and i can't help but wonder why it has happened and what God is going to do by it.

what's the story? well, simply put, a really amazing friend of mine has had quite the past few months. from about, maybe, April until now, several things have happened within her family that have really shaken them up. their lives have gotten thrown around. i can't help but wonder what they are thinking and how they are dealing with this...actually, i know that they are in prayer all the time and they are asking for prayer. but really, there has to be more to it right? her family is full of believers and they are trusting the Lord for provision, safety, and health...but all of this stuff keeps happening.

why? what have they done to "deserve" this? is the Lord pulling a modern day Job? how much more will they have to go through? is this an all out attack on this family and if so, what are they going to do that is so threatening?

these are some of the things going through my mind right now...so much so that i am kind of irritated right now about it all. there is no possible way we can know the Lord's plans and frankly, i don't want to know them...but i would like to know why He does things the way he does sometimes. which, i realize, my mind cannot comprehend it...but don't you think He could at least dumb it down some?

at lunch today, the conversation turned to a woman who passed away last year. it was very sudden and we will be approaching the one year anniversary of her passing in October. the table got quiet as we each remember this saint. very quickly memories flashed through each of our minds as well as the rush of emotions we all felt when we learned of her death. we didn't know why it happened. she was not that old...she was an amazing woman, one who had no enemies and never met a stranger...but watching her family, they had peace. i am sure they had questions, but they had peace. talk about fully trusting and relying on the Lord.

that is my prayer for my friend now. that her family will experience that same peace.

God is faithful. i have learned that...and He always knows what He is doing...His plans may not make sense but we know that we won't ever have to ask why He is doing something.

This song has been on my heart the past few months...along with several others about the Lord's faithfulness....i haven't been able to get enough of it this week however.

(hope this works...if not, go to youtube and search for "faithful one" by selah)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dFF_n5MqHs

smile please

thought: sometimes all you have to do is laugh

have you ever had a moment or situation and you didn't know what to do with it? i have those all the time. life seems to throw them at me. there are a few things going on right now that i have no clue what to do about. my best solution? laughter.

no seriously, i love to laugh. i told someone the other day (who told me that someone else we know when asked what they think of me responded "she's full of energy") that i laugh and have fun so much because i love life. i have come across certain situations in my life that have threatened to take that away from me...i have seen it done to other people....God created this earth for us to enjoy it and i fully intended on enjoying it as much as possible. people have seen my always wanting to have a good time as immaturity or a lack of confidence. it is quite the opposite. not trying to blow my own horn but i am told all the time how mature i am...ok ok so maybe i am blowing my own horn...and i am very confident in who i am...mainly because i know who i am in Him!

tonight, i was with my small group girls and we were talking about several things...one of which being a curve that has been thrown at me. this one is pretty funny and i am amused by it. i totally want to see where it will go but i have also decided to give the entire thing up to the Lord. He has a plan for me...and past experience will tell ya that His plan is definitely the better one. but anyway...we were talking about this situation and i was cracking up over it. (what is it? well, it involves a guy and some match making...need more of a translation? they would like to match me with him...am i opposed? i won't say that on a blog :) i trust the Lord with the outcome....) this is one of those things where you can't help but laugh....

.....but what about those times when you can't laugh? when it feels like you are so deep in the valley that not even God can pull you out? well, i have been there too. in fact, there is something else going on in my life that totally has the potential to pull me down. and it did. for a couple of months, i was questioning the Lord as to why this was happening to me. then i realized that i was letting this thing win and it took away my laughter. it tried to take away my life. i didn't want to let that happen so slowly, i began to give it up. it was hard and it still is. i struggle daily with this, but i know that God has a plan. this morning someone was talking about a Tweet one of their friends posted. it said something about children never questioning God or asking Him "why" when something bad happens to them. they just go with it. that is what i want to do...in what seems to be a valley, i still want to find laughter and joy.

i've learned a lot while dealing with this. the past 9 months or so i have learned to be more dependent on other people...what does that mean? my pride has taken some blows and i have to ask for help a lot more..it's for simple stuff too, like opening soda bottles or pouring drinks. it really sucks when i am out and have to ask for help like that...or when i am not able to do an activity, simple or complex, because my hands will cramp...knees will pop....stuff like that. i have learned to chuckle at things, not out of self-pity, but because that is not my personality at all. i have always been very independent and had a "i can do it don't need no one else" attitude. it's humbling and when you learn those lessons it is easier to laugh.

i laugh a whole lot more now...probably more than i ever have in my entire life. i say it all the time, 2008 was a good year for me. it started me on a road toward change...more specifically maturing and growing up. i can see habits and character traits developing now that i will need one day when i am a wife and mother. the growing up and maturing doesn't scare me...it's knowing and recognizing it that does. why? because it's a sign that i am doing so. haha.

i know that one day i will look back, laughing most likely, at this time in my life and see how amazing it really was. i can already tell how much the Lord has done and can see why things have happened. i don't understand them and i will not ask Him "why". instead i will take delight in Him...doesn't matter if i am having a good day or bad day. i can still enjoy His creation and know that He has a plan for me.

so please, smile.

on an off note - i said that i would write more about Arts for Life...they are an organization that i stand behind 100%. they go into the hospitals and work with seriously and terminally ill children. they take the arts to them....and by arts i mean drawing, writing, painting, sculpting, photography, and music. they worked with a family at church and not only were with the child in the hospital but the siblings when they were there. i have always had a spot in my heart for children staying in the hospital. part of it is because i was one of those kids who frequented the children's hospital and so was my cousin. when i see children who are seriously ill i can only imagine what it is like for them and their families. bringing in this form of therapy is fun and opens up a way for the child to creatively express how they feel. i fully believe that anyway a child can express themselves through art should be encouraged...especially if they are going through a tough time. by working with this organization, it can "give them a break" from what is going on and allow them to be a kid...and to laugh. please, please, please visit the Arts for Life website (aflnc.org) and check them out. have some Kleenex ready because you will tear up while looking at it. they are amazing people doing amazing things. they do bring smiles to the faces of critically ill children and their families.

Busy Life = Good Life

Thought: don't ever expect less...especially from God.

So i haven't written in a while and it's been for some good reasons! Last week I was at summer camp with work...and it was AMAZING! (to read more about camp, check out the work blog: www.pastorsherri.blogspot.com)

Before that and this week...well, yeah, I've slacked off but I've been tired...lame excuse I know.

But anyway, things have been good. Tonight we had a bake sale to benefit Arts for Life, a great organization that works with critically ill children during their stay in the hospital. We were expecting to raise maybe $25 and match it with $25...let me tell ya, we far succeeded that goal! It was great. We didn't expect to do much and were blessed with a ton.

That's how camp was too. Some people were not expecting much and got more than they ever thought they could from a kids camp.

Amazing stuff. I would love write more, but I need to go. Will write more about Arts for Life later.

It's been a few days

thought: you never know when you are going to learn something new about yourself.

i've had an eventful week...so much so that i have neglected blogging. really, it wasn't that eventful but it was full of stuff that really made me think and, yet again, learn more about myself.

last wednesday evening, i had the opportunity to talk to some middle school girls about staying committed to Christ. the talk was only supposed to last 10-15mins with questions...it ended up being 45 and would have gone longer if their parent's hadn't started showing up. the things we talked about and the questions they asked were mind boggling. i literally was numb when i came out of there. i wanted to blog, but i didn't know what to say. i was in shock about the topics we covered. thankfully, between help from their teacher and the Holy Spirit i got through it. i had a great time, really but just hearing what these girls said and being the observant person that i am, i could tell that they were...not scared, but very concerned about lots of things in life. most of which i still struggle with as an adult. yes, they were worried about high school and what not...but things like fitting in, boys, family, how to dress and still look nice, what to eat, what not to eat, exercise....the list could go on and on. i was amazed. i don't remember thinking about half that stuff when i was their age. it goes to show that we are trying to grow our kids up too fast.

i don't remember thursday....which is sad....oh wait, i went to a friend's birthday dinner. that was fun. we went to celebration station which is somewhere between a chuck e. cheese and a dave and busters. haha. it was fun.

friday night i went to the beach with some friends. we stayed until saturday night. it was fun...i came back with the nickname "sun goddess". which i gave myself and that's kind of lame...but i said it as a joke and it stuck. haha. i do love being at the beach...gives me lots of time to think and to write. i had planned on writing this time, but decided against it. i did learn more things about myself this weekend though. so that was nice. i had tons of time to think while i was soaking in the sun.

i have decided also, that every time i try and plan something that will in some way or another change my life's course (no matter how big or small the affect it will have) that i come back home and am reminded how much i love my life. i totally get affirmed that i am where i'm supposed to be. which is great...and really good for me. i have a sort of free spirit and would love to do all kinds of things and go on adventures...but something bigger is being planned for my life and when i try and get in the way of that i get shot down and am reminded how amazing my life is right now.

with that end, i need to go. the computer battery is flashing at me.

more soon.

aw nuts

thought: i had a thought and now it's gone!

well crud, i was going to write about something and i totally forgot what it was!

oh well.

i took a step toward being more active today. went to the batting cages with a friend. boy do i need some work. i am looking forward to it though. my arm is sore...guess we will see what tomorrow brings.

you know, funny thing is that even though i didn't do so well, i am still happy i went. i got out there and did something. i had to let my guard and pride down to do it. i'm glad i went. this will have to become a weekly thing or something.

here is to jumping off the high dive into the deep end...just the beginning of many adventures i hope to have.

i lost my gum

thought: i want to try things i've never been able to do before

so i bought a bag of blow pops tonight and when i was done with the hard candy part, i was chomping on my gum and realized that i have never blown a bubble! sad isn't it? i have never done that. so i tried. after i messed with it a few times, i had a small one for a second. then i tried and blew harder. well, that made the gum fly out of my mouth and onto my floorboard! i laughed so hard i almost went off the road!

but that got me thinking. what other things do i want to try to do? there are things like tying a cherry stem with your tongue or doing a cartwheel. i'd love to play a sport...like a team sport. so maybe i will try and get better at basketball, volleyball, or even baseball. who knows. it's all about having fun.

fun was definitely had over the weekend. i got together with several sets of friends and played games, had water balloon fights, and ate lots of good food! i ran around and was even semi-athletic on the 4th! (and i am still paying for it. i have no clue why i'm so sore!)

i think it was fun because it was carefree fun. it was like all responsibility was gone for a while and we were kids again...but only kids who stayed out into all hours of the night and have cars.

that is one thing i was reminded of this weekend: it's okay to totally let loose and have fun. throw water balloons at people who are defenseless. trash talk during a game. laugh, laugh, and laugh. there are definite times in life when you should be serious and there are definite times in life when you should accidentally spit your bubble gum on the floor board of your car!

what went down at the food lion

thought: the smallest things can set people off

i have two examples of this that have happened within the last 5 hours. one is hysterical for those who saw it happen and the other is not so much. so i will write about the former rather than the latter.

this story was relayed to me and it's about what went down at food lion earlier this evening (as i am beginning to type this, Quintet for 2 violins, 2 violas & cello No. 4 in G minor by Mozart is playing and it swelled to a dramatic point...i had to laugh). apparently there was a family making a grocery trip who had 2 carts full of stuff and tons of coupons. the coupon scanner was messing up and back-up was called in...but not before another family got angry. thus madness ensued. it should be noted (just for laughs) that the coupon happy family were red necks and the other family was Hispanic. as a second line opened the insults were still flying as was the swearing. this continued on into the parking lot! the people who told me this story had parked next to the red necks and while Mr. Redneck apologized to these people. they made no eye contact and told him it was alright...his wife and the Hispanic girls were still going at it....

what set these people off? really, why even get mad about stuff like that? is it worth it? i don't think so.

some people are just touchy though. i am not sure why. maybe there is some drug out there that makes people uber sensitive...if so, i've met several people who are on it...i just don't understand. i mean, i have my moments where things get on my nerves but i don't make a huge deal about it. i just try to go with the flow and be chill most of the time. there are times when it is alright to get angry about stuff...but in the grocery store line when someone is using a ton of coupons is not that time. save it for something important.

i tend to look at people who are this way like they are the little boy who cried wolf.

you do know that story right?

there was a little boy who tended sheep on the edge of town. he got bored and would cry "wolf, wolf" and the townspeople would come to save the flock. after doing this a few times, the townspeople finally stopped coming. one day, a wolf really was after the sheep and though the boy cried out, no one came to help save the flock. why? they did not believe him. he had falsely cried wolf too many times before; how did they know this one was real?

so my friends, how will i know if you are really upset over something if you get upset over everything? it is not easy to always sit there and listen to you go on and on about something when you do it all the time. you torture yourself by talking about it and you torture others by having to make them listen to it...dear people, it is not all about you...

....and if you know me, there is a running joke in my family that says that everything is about me. i have pajamas that say it, chap stick, pins...lots of stuff...but it is a joke....

.....and i never cried wolf, i was just the center of attention for a bit because i liked to entertain people...and make it all about me...hahaha...guess you had to be there....

but yes, there are how many billions of people on this planet? we all can't get along all the time, but we can try. and we cannot all be the center of attention all the time. share the spotlight kids...really...you're life isn't that interesting to us. unless we ask about it...even then, i'm not sure we want to know every detail...which, i am guilty of doing so i am speaking to the choir on this one...but i am working on it so bare with me!

really guys, let's get better at this and not let small stuff set us off...there is so much more stuff in the world to be passionate about. let's not worry about how many coupons the person in front of us has. it doesn't really matter.

on that note, stay safe people do some interesting things.

stir crazy

thought: i have more free time now than ever and i don't know what to do with myself

i am fast approaching my mid-twenties and i think my life is beginning to slow down. since accepting a 40/hr a week job last summer and being (nearly) finished with school, my life has slowed down and sped up in many different ways. my leisure time is getting larger by the second and i do not know what to do with myself. currently, my body is telling me to sleep. i need it. i know i need it. i've had a horrible cough for about a week and a half. i do not need to see a doctor...i just need life to slow down enough to where i am able to sleep for a long period of time without being bothered. i have that time, but it sometimes get interrupted. maybe this weekend i will be able to catch up on Friday and Saturday.

prior to last summer (mainly during college) my schedule would be something like: wake up around 6:45am. Go to school all day. Work all night. Sleep for a few hours. Repeat. Weekends were filled with working in the morning and hanging out with friends at night...or working Friday night, Saturday morning and afternoon, then maybe hang out with friends...or go back to work. then work from 7-1 on Sunday at an internship and go to work that evening. i never stopped going, you see. i was at 110% all the time. now that i have some "down time" i am noticing that i do love it a lot. i wouldn't trade my fast paced life for anything...but let me tell you it would have been nice to slow down a bit back then.

it's funny how much i have changed in a year. last summer i would have never thought about relaxing or making an effort to blog every night while listening to classical music. i was go go go all the time. i don't remember ever being tired either. maybe it's because i didn't have time to think about it! now, i find myself coming home from work and wanting to go right to be some nights! hence why i am trying to keep myself busy. this week, it has been cleaning. my car is completely cleaned out. i do not think it has been this clean since it was bought by it's first owner. it really is pretty. before that, i did all of my laundry...everything...my drawers are full now. not that i didn't have clothes or wore dirty clothes before, but i have a habit of putting clean laundry on my bed and leaving it there...then my dog gets into it and my clothes smell like her. not cool. so i changed that. my next task is to clean out my room. maybe even re-arrange it...no, probably not that. but give it a good scrub down and put some pictures up definitely. then i will sort through the clothes i am giving away and see what is fit for donations and what can just be tossed. after that, who knows.

i am going to say that it is the weather that is making me restless. i normally get like this in the spring but i didn't notice it so much this year. i attribute it also to having some free time. i almost feel flighty. yes, i would love a good adventure. see, that is the young person in me talking. a road trip for an extended amount of time would be the best thing in the world. it is on my list of things to do some day...as is going to as many major league ball parks as i can. i think that those trips would be combined. a massive road trip around the country to see ball games and to stop in quirky towns that are definitely set up for tourists who still road trip. they are my favorite.

but i can feel the responsible, working woman in me saying that that is not economical or responsible and that my body probably cannot take such a trip. AS IF. i can totally do that...when i find the time...which is ironic since i am writing about all of the free time i have.

wouldn't that be a cool honeymoon? roadtripping. just stay in the master suite of a bunch of different hotels for a few weeks. dang...that's a really cool idea. especially if you get married when there is generally nice weather all around the country. dude, i am totally going to talk some guy into that some day. haha. i will let you know how it goes. it will be a very long time until that happens, but keep the idea stored somewhere. it shall return!

with that, i am going to sign off. instead of spending my time now on the internet, i am going to try and get rid of this cough...it is not fun at all.

silly girls

thought: girls do some silly stuff

let me tell you, as a girl, i've done some goofy stuff to get guys to notice me. it's laughable but c'mon, we all do it. start rooting for their team...listen to their music....cook their favorite food. oh yes, we do it all. wear their favorite color...you name it and i've either done it or helped a girl do it.

i do not know what propels us to this craziness but once start, we can't stop. then, one day, we will wake up and realize how silly we have been and we will stop.

....if only that one day didn't come after heart ache, tears, jealously, and eating 18 pints of cherries garcia.....

oh well, what can ya do? i mean i think we are wired this way. fortunately for me, i have learned to play it cool around guys and can coyly get their attention without causing a scene...is anyone else laughing with me right now? because you should!

to all of the guys out there: pick up the hint when girls suddenly start having all of the same interests as you. they are either trying to get you to notice them or, even better, are asking you to ask them out....

...now, unless the girl already had all of the same interests as you when you met her, then you may be alright...unless of course she found you on facebook, read your profile, and made herself perfect for you before meeting you...then you may have some trouble.

think about these things guys...and be more observant. you will see life totally different.

gender roles?

thought: why can't i spit in public?

no seriously, it dawned on me tonight that as a female, i should not do certain things in public. (no, i am not realizing this for the first time. i've known it for a while wise guys.)

you see, when i was playing t-ball many years ago, my dad or my uncle...maybe a combination of both thought it was appropriate to teach me how to spit...i was playing 3d base and had nothing better to do. plus, if i ever was going to make it as a pro ball player, i had to know how to spit properly. thus, at the age of, i don't know, 7, i master spitting like ball player. if i were to go around spitting however, i doubt it would be looked upon as cute.

it is funny how we have certain things that are gender specific. certain job positions, certain ways to walk and compose oneself, certain ways to eat and what to eat...the list goes on and on. the obvious ones are those in relationships and in the household. the man is the bread winner and the woman is the bread maker. i totally agree with...

....but what i wonder is why is it alright for a guy to yell at the game on tv and not me? "it's unattractive" i've read. well, so what...i have pent up frustration just like they do when my team is down by 3 with 45 seconds to go. but if i show this, i am suddenly not seen as a girl but as one of the guys...a pal...buddy...chum? the male mind is nuts.

or how about this - how come guys can make bodily noises and girls can't? granted, i would never let one go in public...but i would burp if i knew i had enough umph behind it. they can be proud...why can't we? i mean, we do it when it's just the girls. sorry guys, hate to ruin the image for you. and girls, really, you honestly believe that guys think we don't do that stuff? one of my brothers has a theory: if a person doesn't burp or fart they will eventually combust from the gassy build up within their bodies. how true this is, i don't know, but it's funny to think about.

anyway, my battery is running low on my computer so i need to make this quick.

i am not complaining and i most certainly am not going all feminist here, i simply want to be able to yell at a game when it's not going my way...or to be able to clear my throat (aka spit) without being looked at as one of the guys. which, i have always been the girl who is labeled that way and it's great, it really is. i wouldn't trade it for the world...but still, it would be nice to be seen as the bread maker and the girl who can cheer her team on....or rip on the refs for a bad call. but i guess you can't have the best of both worlds right?

what do you do when you don't have a title?

thought: people is nuts...no really.

there are so many things spinning through my mind right now. i can't even being to describe whats going on. i was going to write about secrets...then people and their indecisiveness and self-centeredness...then i thought about writing about the ever growing independence gaining people in their 20s go through. OH! and i had thought about timing and how the Lord puts people in your life at the perfect times.

so i went with a general thought and a cheesy title. let's see where this goes....

i have an amazing small group. those ladies are some of the best i have ever met. and they have been placed in my life for this specific season. i never thought i would "click" in so fast with them....but i do. i love and adore each and every single girl in that group. they are all unique and created in such a way that you know that only God could have created them. i really could go on and on about each of these women, but i won't.

they have totally been there for me. what is cool is that i am the youngest in our group (which is nice cause i've always been the oldest in groups!) and most of the girls have been where i am right now....but they don't treat me like i'm some young, stupid early 20s ditz...and when they talk to me, its like i'm an adult...oh wait, i am. go figure. never once have i felt talked down to by any of them. we have fun too. sometimes we are like little school girls running around giggling but there is a sophistication to it, so that totally makes it okay...doesn't it?

one we do have is a lot of inside jokes...ones that people will never guess. (SPOILER ALERT: can you see the rough transition coming for keeping and telling secrets??) we laugh for hours about things that no one will ever understand..but we totally get it. why? because we understand each other and we trust each other. trusting a person means that you can confide in them (can ya feel it coming on?) and sometimes confiding in someone means that you tell them things you don't want others to know....but you have to tell someone. and then they don't want you to tell which makes it worse for you cause then you feel like you have to tell it then....

really now, are you following me? cause this is serious stuff. secret keeping is major. think about when you were a kid and someone told you something important....it drove you batty knowing that you had to keep your mouth shut about the subject. it's great how the same feelings plague us when we are older. what's even better though, is the determination of the person trying to figure out the secret. oh boy do i like to keep them guessing. it turns into a game. i'll do that to kids, tell them something classified and tell them they cannot tell anyone else. well, then the other kids want to know what was said and try so hard to find out. usually, the secret keeper either tells or the kids give up. it's great watching their minds work as they try to guess.

man i am tired. i think i am going to call it a night!

NO! wait, i'm not....

i just realized today that a few of my posts had comments. yay! i didn't think that anyone actually looked at this aside from the one follower it tells me i have when i log in. that was a pretty cool ego booster when i saw that.

but more on self-centeredness tomorrow. yes, i think that is what i will write about. but don't hold me to it. it could very well change between now and then.